0
Share on bsky
View this post on Instagram
People often find me at a crossroads in their lives.
As a physician assistant in psychiatry, in a culture that teaches us to wait until a crisis is upon us before we take action, clients are often at their breaking point when we meet.
They might seek my help following the loss of a job, or a failed marriage, at a point when they’re struggling with lassitude of depression or battling debilitating anxiety. They come to me hoping that I have the magic pill that will bring them back to life, or perhaps the life that they perceive others are living.
So they sit in my cozy office, with my welcoming plants and natural sunlight, and tell me everything that’s going wrong in their life. I listen and take notes, then based on my assessment, I do my best to prescribe what I think will solve their problems—but it’s not always a medication.
A common problem I see from people who are suffering is that they have lost their voice.
Somewhere along the way—usually when they were very young—they were taught that their opinions and feelings didn’t matter as much as someone else’s. So they quietly shrink inside and keep themselves small to avoid the discomfort of conflict or confrontation.
When someone gets to this point, telling them to just speak up for themselves isn’t going to work. They’ve spent so long trying to blend in to keep the peace that they don’t even know what they want anymore. Speaking up feels scary; dangerous even. So we have to get back to basics and start over from the beginning.
For transparency, I’ll share that I can spot this stifled state in someone from a million miles away because I’ve been there myself—keeping it small and quiet so I could please everyone around me and not infringe upon their happiness (or so I thought). And I’m able to guide clients through the process of finding their voice because I’ve taken painstaking efforts to find my own. That being said, it’s something I’m still working on (after all, years of practice can’t be undone in a snap), but I’m getting closer and closer to the goal of truly healthy expression all the time.
Ok, back to the basics—what exactly does this mean when it comes to finding your voice? Awareness of your preferences and opinions. When we become skilled emotional chameleons, we lose sight of what we want. We spend so much time feeling pressured to go with the flow that we lose sight of how to even identify our own wants and needs.
Step 1: Find Your Compass
When we’ve essentially misplaced our compass, finding it again is the first step. But speaking up feels scary, so how do we start? We need to take the pressure off by exploring our preferences without any expectation to behave differently from our norm. After all, the reaction from others is what we have come to fear, so let’s take that out of the equation for now.
Start by asking yourself, “What do I want in this situation?” If there were no consequences—financially, socially, morally, etc.—what would you choose, or what outcome would you hope for? Do you like the song that’s playing, or not? When friends are trying to figure out what to eat, ask yourself “What would I like to have?” Remember, this step occurs entirely within yourself, which is hard enough on its own when you’ve become adept at ignoring yourself for your own protection.
Expect to feel confused at first. This is a new skill, so just like any other, it requires practice. Don’t be surprised if at first you ask yourself this question and it feels like the answer flip-flops, or is nowhere to be found at all. If you’re not sure, that’s ok, make a mental note that this was a tough one and try again later.
For those who really want to lean in with this exercise, notice what you feel in your body when you’re listening internally for an answer. Phrases like “it broke my heart” or “my stomach was in knots” came into existence because our body will tell us when our brain can’t. Connecting with your body will help guide you.
Step 2: Make Your Preference Known
Once you develop awareness of your opinions and preferences, you can start to express them.
Start with low-stakes situations. For example, you might say that you don’t like the song that’s playing, or that you’d prefer Chinese food instead of pizza.
Key point: this step is about making your preference known, not asking for change. (That comes later because asking for change is scary!) This means you’re saying you don’t like a song, not asking for the song to be skipped. Or you’re saying you’d rather have Chinese, but you’re not asking to get Chinese instead. If the person offers to accommodate—great, do what you want with that. But the point of this step is simply to make your preference heard by another person, not to change the outcome.
Just as learning to walk requires lots of start and stops and falls and bruises, you can anticipate discomfort with this step. Others may not agree with your preference, and that’s ok. Expect that after you speak up your brain will tell you that you said the wrong thing or that you shouldn’t have said anything. This is all part of the process, and proof that you’ve stepped out of your comfort zone, which is the whole purpose anyway.
Step 3: Ask For What You Want
Now that you’ve warmed up with deciding what you want and expressing your preference, it’s time to ask for what you want! Sometimes when we’ve been stifled for a long time, asking for what we want can feel like confrontation, so I want to take a moment to stress that this can be done without being rude or confrontational—even if your brain doesn’t believe it right now.
So in this step you might say, “I don’t love this song, can we skip it?” Or “I’ve been craving Chinese, do you mind if we get that?” In this step you are noticing what you want, stating your preference, then asking for what you want.
More necessary clarification: this step is about asking for what you want, not getting what you want. Getting what you want is out of scope here and requires more skill building, holding boundaries, and understanding what you have control over (yourself) and don’t have control of (others). So if you’ve asked for what you want, you can go ahead and consider it a win, regardless of the outcome.
Again, expect discomfort. We don’t grow when we’re firmly planted in our comfort zone. Progress is always made outside of our comfort zone. Anticipate that your brain will tell you that you’ve said the wrong thing, or you shouldn’t have asked for change, and those thoughts can exist without you changing your course.
Once you’ve progressed through all the steps for small-stakes scenarios, you can start the process over again with higher stakes situations—where you’d like to go on vacation, that promotion you want at work, or that other city you’d rather live in. Again, start with practicing awareness of your preferences, then sharing that preference with another human being, then asking for what you want when the opportunity presents itself.
Speaking up for yourself takes a lot of work when you’ve been taught that your voice doesn’t matter. It’s uncomfortable, yes, but so is that constant nagging constricted feeling that creeps in when we keep our true selves hidden away inside. And personally, if I’m going to be uncomfortable either way, I’d rather get the discomfort out of the way up front and know that others saw me for me instead of who I had guessed they wanted me to be.
So I invite you to lean in and reconnect with your voice.
Advocate for yourself.
Take up space.
Let the world hear the real you.
~
This account does not have permission to comment on Elephant Journal.
Contact support with questions.