CoDA Weekly Reading

 

Inside Job

I was raised to hide who I was.

Growing up with same sex parents I was told to not talk about my family out of fear of retaliation from the outside world.

I was the good kid.

That means I was good at keeping my codependent mother happy and learning how to avoid my sister's behaviors from her undiagnosed mental health disorders. I became skilled at molding myself to what I thought other people wanted of me. I shaped my external self into whatever version would create the least amount of conflict. I became accustomed to accepting abuse and having low self-esteem to make myself into how I thought others viewed or wanted me. I was programmed to think my worth depended on how well I could manage others’ thoughts and feelings about me.

I’m grateful for that programming because it brought me to CoDA and closer to my higher power.

This programming set me on a path of trying to fix my inner discomfort by controlling the outside world. I thought I was kind. I thought I was generous. But honestly, I was being selfish by trying to earn something: love, approval, admiration, safety.

I was constantly adjusting my behavior to control how others saw me, hoping that if I got it right, I’d finally feel okay inside. I truly believed that was not selfish at all. Trying to manage others to soothe something within me. The hubris of it is comedic to me now. How could I really even know what people wanted from me? I made assumptions and estimations, but I had no real idea of what was going on in other people's heads and even if I got it right how was that going to fix that feeling inside me? That’s the insanity of it.

I knew I was codependent for a decade. But knowing wasn’t enough. I hadn’t done the work.

Then I found Codependents Anonymous and started working the 12 Steps. Something shifted in me especially during inventory of my codependent patterns, and the amends to myself.

For me so much anger came up during the patterns inventory. How could I be hurting myself and others like this over and over? I was mad at myself and ready to let it go.

I was really uncertain how I would live any other way though. I mean I had been doing it my whole life!

I just continued to do the work and something changed.
I stopped having to guess what people want.
I stopped having to shape-shift to earn connections.
I started telling the truth.

Not a curated version of the truth that I think they want to hear. Just the truth.

And that has been deeply liberating. Surprising. Exciting. Powerful.

I don’t fully understand how it works, but I know how it feels. I feel like a mystical material that is simultaneously lighter and stronger. I’m more connected to myself and to my higher power. There’s an uncomfortable clarity that comes from not trying to manage everyone else. To say things I know people don’t want to hear. Wowee! Who am I? I am someone that 
communicates what is happening inside honestly. I feel proud of myself every time I do it!

My CoDA date is April 20, 2025. And even in just a short time, I’ve experienced something powerful:

I don’t hide anymore.
I don’t people-please.
I don’t try to control the outside to fix the inside.
Instead, I do the inside job.
I take inventory.
I make amends.
I stay connected: to myself, other codependents, and to something greater than me.
And through that, I’ve found the freedom to be me within me.

Torey A.
3/28/2026