If you’ve ever been in a relationship
with someone emotionally unavailable, you know the pain of not being able to
get close to the one you love. They’re evasive, make excuses, or just inept
when it comes to talking about feelings or the relationship. Some use anger,
criticism, or activities to create distance. You end up feeling alone, depressed,
unimportant, or rejected. Usually women complain about emotionally unavailable
men. Yet many aren’t aware they’re emotionally unavailable, too. Getting hooked
on someone unavailable (think Mr. Big and Carrie Bradshaw) disguises your
problem, keeping you in denial of your own unavailability.
There are several types of
unavailability – both temporary and chronic. Some people have always been unavailable due to mental illness and/or a troubled childhood. Others temporarily
make something a higher priority than a relationship, such as a family
obligation, education, project, or a health concern. People recently
divorced or widowed may temporarily not be ready to get involved with someone
new. In the middle, are those who are too afraid to risk falling in love
because they’ve been hurt by one or more relationships, which may include being
hurt by a parent when they were a child. Often these different reasons for
unavailability overlap, and it’s difficult to ascertain whether the problem is
chronic or will pass.
If you’re looking for a close, committed
relationship, a person living in another state, or who is married or still in
love with someone else is not going to be there for you. Similarly, addicts,
including workaholics, are unavailable because their addiction is the priority
and it controls them. Still, some people give the appearance of availability
and speak openly about their feelings and their past. You don’t realize until
you’re already in a relationship that they’re unable to really connect emotionally
or make a commitment.
Here’s a list of more subtle red flags
that may signal unavailability, especially when several add up. They apply to
both genders. Following them are questions to ask yourself to find out whether
you’re ready for a committed relationship.
1. Flirting with flattery. Men
who are too flattering. Like snake charmers, these wooers may also be
adept listeners and communicators. Often good at short-term intimacy, some
allure with self-disclosure and vulnerability, but they prefer the chase to the
catch.
2. Control. Someone
who won’t be inconvenienced to modify his or her routine. Typically, commitment
phobics are inflexible and loathe compromises. Relationships revolve around
them.
3. Listen. Your date may
hint or even admit that he or she isn’t good at relationship or doesn’t believe
in or isn’t ready for marriage. Listen to these negative facts and
believe them. Ignore vulnerability, bragging, and compliments.
4. The Past. Find out if
the person has had a long-term relationship and why it ended. You may learn
that prior relationships ended at the stage when intimacy normally develops.
5. Perfection Seekers. These
people look for and find a fatal flaw in the opposite sex and then move
on. The problem is that they’re scared of intimacy. When they can’t find
imperfection, their anxiety rises. Given time, they will find an excuse to end
the relationship. Don’t be tempted to believe you’re better than their
past partners.
6. Anger. Notice rudeness
to waiters and others, revealing pent-up rage. This type of person is demanding
and probably emotionally abusive.
7. Arrogance. Avoid someone
who brags and acts cocky, signaling low self-esteem. It takes confidence to be
intimate and committed.
8. Lateness. Chronic lateness is inconsiderate, and can also indicate the person is avoiding
relationship, but don’t assume that punctuality means he or she’s a catch.
9. Invasiveness or Evasiveness.
Secrecy, evasiveness, or inappropriate questions too soon about money or
sex, for example, indicate a hidden agenda and unwillingness to allow a
relationship to unfold. Conversely, someone may conceal his or her past due to
shame, which may create an obstacle to getting close.
10. Seduction. Beware of
sexual cues given too early. Seducers avoid authenticity because they don’t
believe they’re enough to keep a partner. Once the relationship gets real,
they’ll sabotage it. Seduction is a power-play and about conquest.
Be honest with yourself about your own
availability.
1. Are you angry at the opposite sex? Do
you like jokes at their expense? If so, you may need to heal from past wounds
before you’re comfortable getting close to someone.
2. Do you make excuses to avoid getting
together?
3. Do you think you’re so
independent you don’t need anyone?
4. Do you fear falling in love because
you may get hurt?
5. Are you always waiting for the other
shoe to drop? Although people complain about their problems, many have even
more difficulty accepting the good.
6. Are you distrustful? Maybe you’ve
been betrayed or lied to in the past and now look for it in everyone.
7. Do you avoid intimacy by filling
quiet times with distractions?
8. Are
you uncomfortable talking about yourself and your feelings? Do you have secrets
you’re ashamed of that make you feel undesirable or unlovable?
9. Do you usually like to keep your
options open in case someone better comes along?
10. Do you fear a relationship may place
too many expectations on you, that you’d give up your independence or lose your
autonomy?
If you answered yes to some of these
questions, counseling can help you heal in order to to risk getting close. If
you’re involved with someone emotionally unavailable, pressuring him or her to
be more intimate is counterproductive. However, marriage or couples counseling
can change the relationship dynamics and help you to have a more fulfilling
intimate relationship.
Copyright, Darlene Lancer 2012
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