Most of the adult children of alcoholics
who I know, underestimate the effects of being raised in an alcoholic family.
Perhaps it’s wishful thinking. Perhaps it’s denial. More likely it’s
shame and simply not knowing that adult children of alcoholics (ACOAs), as
a group, tend to struggle with a particular set of issues.
If you’re an adult child of an
alcoholic, you feel different and disconnected. You sense that something
is wrong, but you don’t know what. It can be a relief to realize that some
of your struggles are common to ACOAs.
You don’t outgrow the effects of an
alcoholic family when you leave home.
If you grew up in an alcoholic or
addicted family, chance are it had a profound impact on you. Often, the
full impact isn’t realized until many years later. The feelings, personality
traits, and relationship patterns that you developed to cope with an alcoholic
parent, come with you to work, romantic relationships, parenting, and
friendships. They show up as anxiety, depression, substance abuse, stress,
anger, and relationship problems.
The effects of growing up in an
alcoholic family are varied. Many ACOAs are very successful, hard-working, and
goal-driven. Some struggle with alcohol or other addictions themselves.
Others become codependent.
An alcoholic home is chaotic and
unpredictable.
Children crave and need predictability.
Your needs must be met consistently in order for you to feel safe and develop
secure attachments. This didn’t happen in your dysfunctional family. Alcoholic
families are in “survival mode.” Usually everyone is tiptoeing around the
alcoholic, trying to keep the peace and avoid a blow up.
Denial is prolific. You really can’t
understand addiction as a child, so you blame yourself, and feel “crazy”
because your experiences didn’t line up with what adults were telling you
(namely that everything is fine and normal).
Home could be scary. Addicts are often
unpredictable, sometimes abusive, and always checked-out emotionally (and
sometimes physically). You never knew who would be there or what mood they’d be
in when you came home from school. Stress levels were through the roof. There
may have been a lot of overt tension and conflict. Or you might have sensed all
the tension just below the surface, like a volcano waiting to erupt.
Growing up in an alcoholic home, you
feel insecure and crave acceptance. The constant lying, manipulation, and harsh
parenting makes it hard to trust people. It also leaves you highly sensitive to
criticism and conflict. You work hard, always trying to prove your worth and
make others happy.
Because as a child life felt out of
control and unpredictable, as an adult you try to control everyone and
everything that feels out of control (which is a lot). This leads to
controlling behaviors in your relationships. You struggle to express yourself,
subconsciously remembering how unsafe it was to speak up in your family.
9 Common struggles for adult children of
alcoholics:
Being rigid and inflexible
You have a hard time with
transitions and changes. A sudden change of plans or anything that feels out of
your control can trigger your anxiety and/or anger. You thrive on
routine and predictability. These things help you to feel safe.
Difficulty trusting and being closed off
People have let you
down and hurt you. It’s natural to close off your heart as a form of
self-protection. It’s hard to trust people (including yourself). You hold back
emotionally and will only reveal so much of your true self. This limits the
amount of intimacy you can have with your partner, and can leave you feeling
disconnected.
Shame and loneliness
Shame is the feeling that you’re bad or
wrong and unworthy of love. There are so many things that alcoholic families
don’t talk about – to each other and especially to the outside world. These
secrets breed shame. When there are things so awful that they can’t be talked
about, you feel there is something awful about you and that you’ll be judged
and cast away. When you feel unworthy, you can't love yourself and
you can’t let others love you either.
Self-criticism
External messages that you’re bad,
crazy, and unlovable become internalized. You’re incredibly hard on yourself
and struggle to forgive or love yourself. During childhood, you came to believe
that you’re fundamentally flawed, and the cause of the family dysfunction.
Perfectionism
You try to be perfect in order to avoid
criticism (both internal and external). This sets you on a treadmill of always
having to prove your worth by achieving more and more. But your achievements
aren’t satisfying. Perfectionism and low self-esteem force to you set
your goals higher and continue to try to prove yourself.
People-pleasing
You have a strong need to be liked and
accepted. This again stems from experiencing rejection, blame, neglect, or
abuse, and a core feeling of being unlovable and flawed. People-pleasing is
also an effort to avoid conflict. Conflict was scary in your family.
Being highly sensitive
You’re actually a highly sensitive
person, but you’ve shut down your emotions in order to cope. You’re
sensitive to criticism, which fuels your people-pleasing. But you’re also a
highly compassionate and caring person.
Being overly responsible
Out of necessity, you took on some of
your parents’ responsibilities. These may have been practical (like paying
the bills) or emotional (like comforting your siblings when Mom and Dad
fought). Now you continue to take responsibility for other people’s feelings or
for problems that you didn’t cause.
Anxiety
ACOAs have high levels of anxiety.
Childhood fear and trauma left you in a hyper-vigilant state. You
often sense problems when there aren’t any. You’re on edge, tense, and
full of worry. Anxiety keeps you trapped as whenever you try to move away from
the other eight traits, it flares up.
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