Codependency relapse

At the suggestion of a friend in recovery I wanted to write in and share my experience of what recovery has meant to me this week. I have recently been experiencing many stressors in my life and have been struggling to stay on top of them, as well as my recovery. 

Thanks to Coda i have found the awareness and courage to change what i can relating to my life's circumstances, and i am feeling some relief from my tiredness beginning to filter through into my life again in the form of more energy and more awareness.

I have gained awareness a few things taking place in my life and was reflecting on the fact that they all resemble my pre-recovery unmaneagability. These things include but are not limited to - my intimate relationship becoming more volatile and challenging, my motivation to focus on my self care dwindling, numbing out of my experience with the use of various compulsive behaviors and obsessive thinking becoming a large part of how i am spending my day. 

It occurred to me this week that so far in my recovery from codependency - i have not come across any information regarding a relapse - what it is, what it looks like, how to identify one, how to recover from it and most importantly how to see when one might be imminent. I started thinking about why that might be important to me. When i consider how other fellowships are addressing addictions i can see that some are easier to define than others - ie if you are an alcoholic then you can count yourself sober if you have not had a drink - its more measurable i feel than the grey territory that i find myself in when dealing with my addiction of codependency. I got to thinking that would be a handy knowledge to have in relation to my codependency, so went on a quest to find content. 

What i found is information on slips and relapses and upon listening to these recordings (not coda but 12 steps) i have been able to identify that i have actually been in a Codependency relapse and didn't even know it - or i guess there may have even been denial of that truth causing me to numb as described earlier. I heard others describing their 'slip' as looking similar to mine - a return to old behaviors that where pre recovery, taking my partners inventory, becoming increasingly resentful, losing the focus of my own recovery and instead placing that energy into blaming outside factors for my feelings rather than recognizing and working on what i can change within myself. 

The event that led me to this work was a nasty fight with my partner where i let my pent up resentments out in the form of blaming, belittling and detaching with indifference. The argument was not at all pretty and i regretted what i had said as soon as i had opened my mouth. The emotional hangover was a big one, and my actions have harmed me, my 'sobriety' and my serenity just as much as they have harmed the space that is my intimate relationship and hurt my partner. 

What i have learned from this experience is vast but i will summarize it as best as i can to wrap this up.

I awoke this morning with new thoughts in my head " i have to make an amends here" and thanks to steps 4 through 10 i have a way of putting that thought into action in my life - which i did.

Thanks to the work of the first 14 days around boundaries and self worth i have been able to gain serenity back in my life. I can accept that i have slipped (now that i know what that looks like), and using the program i can work on changing my actions and make it right - rather than berate myself for not being perfect - i am still worthy even if i am a codependent. I do certainly have a right to my feelings and have the right to voice them, but i'm aiming to do that in ways that are safe for me and respectful of others - not in the codependent and better than way it happened last night. 

I can also acknowledge that i began slipping far earlier than last night in many ways. I have had feelings around the way my partner has been behaving and have not been honoring them and i have not had the courage to voice them. I have instead chosen to be dishonest and quiet about them and began obsessively pointing the finger at my partner in blame rather than being authentic and speaking my truth. These behaviors have been occurring in me - unacknowledged -  for many weeks and i suppose if i were to compare that to alcoholism (not to pick on alcoholics - i just find it easier if i can visualize this stuff) i imagine it is similar to the thoughts of wanting a drink growing stronger and my actions taking me to the bar or bottle shop in search of that comfort. I have been "standing at the bar, trying not to buy a drink" for weeks and i didn't even realize it. These behaviors are my disease - the disease of Codependency. They are not me - my Authentic self - but they are my responsibility to recognize and manage - just as any other addict. 

Warning signs i will look for in light of this new awareness are - focusing on and blaming my partners actions, motivation to engage in self care diminishing, increasing resentments, feeling the need for others approval and obsessive thinking. 

The tools that have helped me today are - Step 10 (which to me is a condensed way of working steps 4 - 9 and a quick way to make an amends, Affirmations around self worth, Calling others in program and turning to literature and meetings for content on all of the above. 

The last thing i will mention that has helped is that after all this work i can see more clearly than ever my progress in my recovery - I know i don't have to deny my feelings, i don't have to make others wrong for me to be right, i have the 'right to be wrong' and make mistakes, i choose not to try and work through this stuff alone anymore and even though the argument that led to this work was not pleasant to experience - the frequency of these episodes and the intensity of them is almost non existent to what it was prior to me finding recovery. Progress not perfection is what i'm looking for here. 

So thats me - less than 24 hours "sober", reconnecting with my fellow Coda travellers by shouting out to all of you "I had a relapse, here's my experience, I am a recovering Codependent and just for today - I am enough"

Thanks for letting me share.

T