Because of decades of
struggling in and out of recovery, sometimes believing that I could do recovery
by myself, Consciousness did for me and others like me what we could not nor
would do for ourselves: create internalized, spiritual change. Exhaling.
Letting go of what I no longer need and creating space for what Consciousness
has meant for me to have within my spirit. The contention I was dealing with
earlier was a pattern I've had with the opposite sex since I became sexual as a
young adult. Sex first, then I'll get to know you later, only to find out I
don't really like you or I don't want to invest the time to get to know you.
The reality was that I didn't know me.
It was only through the
rooms, the 12 Steps, the literature, the fellowships, the leading of groups—I
put myself up there to be of service to others when I didn't even know what it
meant to be of service to others—the lamentations, and the identifications that
I came to know myself. Thanks to the CoDA member who shared how the icebergs
around our hearts were thawing. Well, I find that the frozen circle I had
placed around my heart after the dissolution of the relationship with my last
romantic impulse twenty years ago has once again begun to thaw. This time there
hasn't been any sexual activity because I've learned to ask Consciousness to
make known to me why this person I'm lusting after has been brought into my
personal space. It was to show me how, in the 5th grade, I learned to associate
feelings of love for a person when that older person sexually molested me.
Again Consciousness did for me (and probably others like me) what I could not
do for myself: unearth the source of my unhealthy behaviors. Now that a
weakness has been uprooted, looked at and cleaned, I can delve into my arsenal
of CoDA strengths and use an appropriate behavior, never to repeat the bad one
again.
Peace & Joy - Ernestine
7/8/17
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