Weekly Reading

Love is knowing when to walk away.

Love is finally understanding 
that love isn’t putting someone in a box.

It’s choosing the ache of silence
over the regret of putting my own foot in my mouth.

It’s the nights I stay up making lists of pros and cons
To try decide 
If it’s worth this risk for a simple, “Hey.”
It’s the relief I feel in the morning that I did NOT do that. 

You see, love isn’t in the ache of wondering
But In the choice of not choosing impulse.

It’s in the patience for forgiveness—
That may never come.

It’s the knowledge that
when I repeatedly harm someone I love
The best way to fix it is to leave it alone.
It’s knowing that I can no longer justify reasons
That it’s okay for me to transmit my trauma 
That love isn’t a return to the womb but instead 
learning how to hold myself strong so that you can be you.

Love is recovery.
And recovery is knowing the difference between 
breathing onto a fire to give it life
And dousing the whole bedroom with gasoline.

Love is remembering
that love isn’t the number of times you made me cry
But instead the number of times you held up a mirror
So that when I went looking for you, I was really getting to know myself better. 

Love isn’t trying to get you back
but instead 
it’s allowing myself to fall apart
So what is ready to die can fall away. 

Love is bowing down to what I don’t understand.
It’s knowing that being powerless does not mean weak
And Controlling does not make me safe. 
It’s being humble to all the ways in which I can’t see.
Love is stopping the impulse to go back and fix it. 
Love is letting you be.
Love is being humble enough to ask 
for something larger than me
To show me a map
so that I can find my way out.
So that I can stop blaming 
And start changing.

Love is finally accepting
The things I can’t change.
Love is finally accepting
That I don’t know how to love you.

Love is knowing when to walk away. 

- Madison 9/12/2017