Weekly Reading

No doubt my years of recovery work had primed me for this. However, I was taken aback by how much another person’s story triggered my recognition of my own life. It was a story read in a meeting about chaos and addiction, of acting out and careening from person to person, job to job and place to place. All seemingly an effort to block the childhood pain of abandonment. I had recognized my own patterns of avoidance for years; and worked diligently with Higher Power and sponsors to let go of these character defects to feel the pain in my soul. And yet, something materialized after hearing this story that was qualitatively different. 

I saw my whole life in one glimpse - one vision of continuous attempts to feel better in the face of the everyday hostility, control and rejection I had experience growing up. I saw myself as a compulsive achiever and workaholic, trying all my life to restore my shattered self esteem. I saw myself jumping from relationship to relationship, avoiding emotional intimacy, trying to create in fantasy the loving other I had not found in childhood. I saw myself battling depression, anxiety and fear all my life, pretending all was well, or was about to become so, never truly admitting to myself how bad I felt inside. 

I’ve listened to many stories read and told in my CoDA meetings. I’ve gained immensely from the sharing of others, learning I was not alone in my suffering, discovering new tools to work my recovery. But, this particular story hit the bullseye in my soul. I must have been ready to receive its wisdom. 

As I write this, feeling a thousand pound rock has dropped into my lap, I know this week’s revelation is one more step in my long recovery. I know to pray for God’s guidance and to turn this over, to let go, and trust the process I’ve been in for years. I know to share with trusted others this further, although deeply painful, step in discovering my true self.

Ron W – 12/3/17