CoDA Weekly Reading

So how did I get here? Many years ago I was given clear signals (to me anyway) by my parents that I was unlovable and didn’t deserve to be cared for. I had two fairly functional alcoholic parents whose primary consideration was themselves. At one point, with my father being in the armed forces I had to be flown to Germany for bunion surgery. I was 9 years old. My dad dropped me off at the hospital the day we flew in and never came back until I was discharged two weeks later. The first several days weren’t bad but when I had my surgery, which in those days consisted of crushing the bones in your foot and resetting them, they put me in another ward. A scary ward. There was a boy that unfortunately was out of his mind and was restrained by arms and legs to the bed. He had gouged out his own eyes and lay making animal noises all night. Absolutely terrifying for a young child.

Anyway, as life went on and I became a teenager I got involved with another woman. It was a somewhat controlling relationship so at the age of 18 I broke it off. I told my family about it and moved on. That opened the door to be abused verbally by my mom and sister every time they were annoyed with me. So I grabbed the first guy and married him. I stayed for 33 years in a marriage that should have never taken place. He was lazy. He couldn’t read and refused to learn. He was also an alcoholic. I was too codependent to realize he wasn’t my responsibility. When I was at my wits end I sought a counselor who told me there was really nothing he could do for me and recommended I go to Al-Anon. So I went to Al-Anon but it never really fit. I attended meetings for about 10 years and never felt comfortable.

My high school girlfriend looked me up in the meantime and we reconnected and I moved a few states away to Arizona and divorced my husband to start a new life. Well of course I brought all my issues with me and soon found myself in another mess. I began counseling and after a year my therapist pulled out a book about codependency. Well I’ve been facing it ever since and IT FITS! I attended my first CoDA meeting and this is where I belong. I’ve begun making some positive changes in my life and I have a long way to go but I feel like I’m finally where I’m supposed to be. It feels good. I am new to the meetings. I’ve been to about 5 meetings and a boundaries workshop. I love the meetings and feel comfortable. I am now looking for a CoDA sponsor.

Cathy D – 5/17/18