The term “dysfunctional family,” once used only by
professionals, has become popular jargon in America where dysfunctional
families are the norm due to cultural values, a high divorce rate, and
widespread addictions – from prescription drugs to exercising, working, and
shopping.
A healthy family is a safe haven – a place of
sustenance and nurturing – that has an air of openness, spontaneity, and
playfulness, and allows for freedom of expression. There may be
occasional arguments and expressions of anger, but peace returns and
individuals feel loved and respected. It functions smoothly like a well-run
company. The executives – the parents – make and agree upon rules, which are
consistent and reasonable.
Jack Welch, former CEO of General Electric transformed
a company that had a closed, inward focused mentality, an unresponsive
bureaucracy, and uncommunicative employees. He realized the importance of
making each employee feel like a valued participant whose voice mattered, and
prided himself on having an “open door” policy that encouraged freedom of
expression. Welch democratized the company, giving thousands of employees
regular opportunities to challenge their supervisors and share their ideas in
decision-making. This empowerment style resulted in surged performance and
employee satisfaction. They felt part of a team and that their voice mattered.
He abhorred secrecy and denial, and wanted problems faced and solved. He wanted
employees that were free thinkers and outspoken about their ideas and beliefs,
even when uncomfortable – when it “might sting.” Employees were given direct
feedback – positive and negative – and they in turn evaluated their bosses. He
organized debates and problem-solving trainings. G.E. was a model of an open
system both inside and out. It looked worldwide for new ideas from other
companies, and shared the knowledge it gained, which motivated its suppliers.
Of course a family shouldn’t function to maximize
production and profit, but you can readily see that Welch’s ideas of openness,
direct communication, and egalitarianism enhanced employee self-esteem, which
happens in healthy families. In dysfunctional families members have lower
self-esteem and tend to be codependent. Some of the symptoms are described
below, but not all are necessary to create dysfunction.
1. Denial. Denial is a way to ignore or pretend that a
painful reality doesn’t exist. Parents try to act normal amidst family problems
and crises – such as a parent’s absence, illness, or alcoholism. It never gets
talked about, nor the problem solved. This makes children doubt their
perceptions and sends a message that they can’t talk about something strange
and frightening – even to each other.
2. A Closed System. A closed family, unlike G.E.,
won’t allow differing or new ideas to be discussed among members or with
outsiders. Members aren’t allowed to talk about the family to others, and might
not allow guests from another race or religion. Some families are isolated and
don’t interact with the community. Others do, but appearances are everything,
and the truth about the family isn’t shared. At bottom are fears of dissimilar
ideas and shame.
3. Secrets. Some secrets are kept for generations
about a family shame – whether addiction, violence, criminal activity, sexual
issues, or mental illness. The shame is felt by children – even when they don’t
know the secret.
4. Dysfunctional Communication. This can take many
forms – from an absence of communication to verbal abuse. Talking is not the
same as functional communication, which involves listening, respect,
assertiveness, and understanding. In dysfunctional families, communication is
neither assertive nor open. People don’t listen and verbal abuse predominates.
(See my blogs “Six Keys to Assertive Communication” and “Emotional Abuse –
Beneath Your Radar.”) Children are afraid to express their thoughts and
feelings, and are often blamed, shamed, or scolded for self-expression. They
are told directly or indirectly not to feel what they feel and may be labelled
a sissy, bad, dumb, lazy, or selfish. They learn not to question their parents
and not to trust their perceptions and feelings.
5. Rigid Rules. In some families where there is
physical or mental illness, parents are too lax or irresponsible, children lack
guidance and don’t feel safe and cared for. Generally, however, there are
restrictive and sometimes arbitrary rules. Many are unspoken. There’s no room
for mistakes. Some parents take over decisions that children should make and
control their hobbies, school courses, friends, and dress. Natural independence
is seen as disloyalty and abandonment. They prohibit talking about things
deemed “inappropriate,” such as sex, death, the holocaust, grandpa’s limp, or
that father was married before. Some families have rules restricting the
expression of anger, exuberance, or crying. When feelings can’t be expressed,
children learn self-control and become overly controlled or controlling adults,
all contributing to low-self-esteem.
6. Arbitrariness and Inconsistency. What are worse
than rigid rules are arbitrary and inconsistent rules. Children never know when
they’ll be punished. Rules that don’t make sense are unjust. This is cruel and
breeds learned helplessness and rage that can never be expressed. Children are
in constant fear, walk on eggshells, and feel hopeless and resentful because of
the unpredictability and unfairness. Their sense of worth and dignity is
violated. They lose respect and trust in their parents and authority in
general. Because they’re forced to comply, some act-out with rebellious or
delinquent behaviour, by doing poorly in school, or by using drugs.
7. Role Confusion. This happens when a parent is
emotionally or physically absent or is irresponsible and a child takes on
parental responsibilities or becomes a companion or confidante to the other
parent. This is frequently the case after a divorce, but also happens in intact
families where parents lack intimacy. This is age-inappropriate and damaging to
the child psychologically, who must now act like a little adult, repress his or
her needs and feelings, and may feel that he or she is betraying the other
parent.
8. Unpredictability. People feel safe when family life
is predictable. If children never know what mood Mom or Dad will be in, they
can’t be spontaneous and are always anxious. Even worse is chaos, where the
family is in constant crisis, often due to addiction, mental illness, or
sexual, physical, or emotional abuse. Instead of a safe haven, the family
becomes a war zone to escape. Children may take develop somatic complaints,
like headaches and stomach aches.
9. Inability to Problem-Solve. Resolving problems and
conflicts is key to a smooth-running organization. But in dysfunctional
families, children and parents are blamed repeatedly for the same thing and
there are constant arguments or silent walls of resentment. Nothing gets
resolved.
In contrast, healthy families are safe because open
self-expression is encouraged without judgment or retaliation. Love is shown
not only in words, but in empathic, nurturing, and supportive behavior. Each
member, down to the youngest, is treated as a valued, respected member.
Feedback is allowed, and there’s a sense of equality, even if parents have the
final veto. Parents act responsibly and are accountable for their commitments
and hold children accountable for theirs. They correct and punish misbehaviour,
but don’t blame their children or attack their character. Mistakes are allowed
and forgiven, and parents acknowledge their own shortcomings. They encourage
and guide their children and respect their privacy and physical and emotional
boundaries. These ingredients build self-esteem, trust, and integrity.
Today companies, young families, and nations are
becoming more open and egalitarian – a hopeful sign for the future.
© Darlene Lancer, MFT 2011
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