I used to drink with my
boyfriend almost every other night. That was our main hobby, drinking. I felt I
needed revenge on him so many times because he'd let his phone die and would go
out drinking till almost the next day. Meanwhile I worried, cried, and broke up
with him, only to return to the same cycle.
I have forgiven an
unbelievable amount of mistakes in this relationship as well as made an
unbelievable amount of mistakes. I manipulated him as much as he has
manipulated me.
I recently sobered up a bit.
After I stopped going out as much I tried to control my boyfriend into doing
the same and I would drive myself insane when I realized he wasn't changing. He
fought me for his right to go out and drink with his friends no matter what I
did.
At the end of last year he
tried to leave me and I made myself so helpless to him that he stayed. He said
he would make changes, but he never did. One night I yelled at him so loudly I
almost had the cops called on me.
Advice from friends and family
never sufficed because I felt no one attempted to relate, only judge. It was
easy to say: leave him! But for me the fear of leaving was too overwhelming.
His sister gave me a copy of a
well-regarded book on codependency, a book she said helped her deal with her
mother's alcoholism.
After just a few chapters I am
more enlightened than I've ever been. I am ready to DETACH and allow life to
occur without gripping tightly and controlling things I can't control. I am
learning that worrying fixes nothing. I am learning that overreacting only
harms ME. I am learning that I AM IMPORTANT. My peace of mind is the only thing
that I can control. I am learning that I am amazing and able. I have a lot of
love and passion to give. I just need to get better!
I have not left my boyfriend,
yet I am taking steps to detach from my obsessive thoughts, taking steps to
avoid reacting, and I am hoping this allows me to breathe and make a final
decision about how productive my relationship truly IS, not what it CAN be and
not what it HAS BEEN.
Monica M. – 6/12/18
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