It’s not you, it’s me
But it’s also you
I guess in reality it’s in our combo
~
Again in a jail of deep reflection
I am not angry
Thankful only six weeks were wasted in limbo
~
Caught between your actions pulling me into your hearts cozy cabin
Fraught when words weren’t offered up,
I had to pull them out from your gut
Which then broke the mental rut,
And confirmed you were only one foot in
~
I know myself
My aspirations
My dreams
Downfalls and tendencies
~
Frustrated by all the time I spent in my head
Trying to figure out your feelings
Thoughts and intentions
~
Desperate to know all the reasons
~
Why you went from bringing me everywhere
Unable to break a stare in my direction
Or keep your finger from reaching into my jeans
And under the top seam of my underwear
To barely engaging with me in places we were previously bare
~
Was it something I said, or did
To extinguish the fire?
~
Or did I ignite something you’ve been afraid we would aspire?
My tender embrace, nurturing a taste of what we could be
I happily held that space dancing freely in each embrace
~
Possible my affections made you fear I would eventually disappear
~
Are you avoidant?
Afraid of abandonment?
~
If the later is true
All that remains is my need to undo
What was built fresh and new
And now come unglued
From you
~
It feels as if our shared time meant more to me than it did for you
~
Your indifference
Created this dissonance
~
You could only muster the lackluster response
Of “I understand your perspective”
What the f*ck
Please offer me something more resonant
~
I too can be avoidant but your withdrawal pulls me into anxious attachment
~
Why can’t I simply not care?
~
I was vocal
I shared
I asked
Was vulnerable
~
For you to reveal
But I got little in return
It was up to me to discern
The subtleties of your energy
~
Your unspoken ways to communicate
All the things unsaid
All the signs read and misread
The general confusion
~
Deciphering different colored flags
Of your misrepresentation
Complicating my interpretations
~
My life and heart still remain open
Seeking one who is willing
To address
That love is a mess
Of patterns and attachments
Limitations from past relations
~
Feeling and knowing the scars
Left behind by those unkind
You’re a coward, too chicken to jump in
~
So I’ll sit, wait for another date
To catch sight
Of all I bring to the table
And bravely meet the fright
~
Of those feelings that trigger
Freeze, fight, or flight
~
And are willing to stay present and awake anyway
For our hearts to grow bigger, stronger together
~
Even if it’s due to you
Ultimately it’s me
~
I won’t accept less
Than I offer, need, or confess to desire
~
It’s not about becoming healed
It’s about wanting to see what someone reveals
To you
And in you
~
Without running away, or keeping them at bay
Instead pulling them in deeper
Through the revelations of past adaptations
To discover the wonder of loves
New adventure
~
I thank you for this opportunity
To clarify where my line is drawn
I will continue to honor myself now
And simply move on
~
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