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At the beginning of a relationship, we tend to stay away from conflicts to keep the peace.
However, sooner or later, most couples realize it’s impossible. We can’t avoid conflicts; we can only learn how to efficiently manage them.
But not everyone knows this. Most of the time, we get triggered, act defensively, and become flooded with overwhelming emotions. Our partner then becomes our enemy, and instead of focusing on the problem, we get stuck in a defensive loop that keeps repeating itself whenever an issue crops up.
This pattern in relationships is more common than we think:
>> We avoid conflicts.
>> We get stuck in conflicts.
>> We repeat the same conflicts.
Whether it’s a surface conflict or a major one, most couples don’t know that the outcome depends on them. The nature of our problems doesn’t dictate conflict resolution. What really determines if a conflict is manageable are our internal and external reactions.
We resolve conflicts when we focus on what we can control: our actions. At first, we may not be aware of them, but eventually we can learn how to manage issues through our own behavior. The more we focus on others, the more the conflict escalates. The more we focus on ourselves, though, the more we succeed in downsizing the problem.
To keep a conflict under control, work on these four T’s:
1. Tone. We tend to overlook our tone of voice when speaking to our partner. When we are triggered or upset, our tone might sound harsh or critical, and we fail to notice the energy behind it. The truth is the way that we deliver our words is more important than the message itself. Oftentimes, our well-intentioned message comes across harshly and escalates the problem in a matter of seconds.
Even when we are upset, we need to pay attention to the energy behind our words. Regardless of how we feel, remaining mindful of our tone of voice keeps our conflicts in check. When we remember to say things kindly, we maintain peace and lessen the probability of emotional outbursts.
2. Timing. When we are triggered, we often discuss the problem impulsively without minding the where and when. I’ve learned there’s always a right place and time to discuss problems, but we often dismiss it when we are in the midst of emotional suffering. Choosing the right time to manage problems can significantly decrease the intensity of conflicts by at least 50 percent.
We can either schedule difficult talks with our partner or wait for them to be in a welcoming and open state of mind. Instead of reacting immediately to perceived emotional danger, we can practice mindfulness and trust that eventually we will get to the heart of the problem when it’s time.
3. Teamwork. Conflicts tend to escalate when couples focus on the problem instead of the solution. Focusing on the problem indirectly forces us to prove ourselves right and attack our partner. Even if we don’t mean to, we may blame or accuse our partner just so we can justify our point of view.
Working as a team during conflicts is highly necessary so we don’t engage in finger-pointing. Teamwork reinforces empathy and responsibility and teaches couples that conflict resolution is more important than being right.
4. Tracking emotions. When we keep track of our emotions, we can de-escalate conflicts and prevent overreaction. We can pause when triggered or ask questions when something feels off so we don’t make false assumptions. Emotional regulation helps us move from mindless reactivity to constructive communication.
Together, couples can help each other stay grounded and move away from negative, aggressive behavior when triggered. They can also focus on validating each other’s emotions and practice active, open listening to keep things clear and honest. Conflict resolution becomes easy and manageable when we practice empathy, mindfulness, and willingness.
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author: Elyane Youssef
Image: Alina Rossoshanska/Pexels
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