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I was in the self-help section of the bookstore, hopefully filling my shopping cart.
In big, bold letters, every book screamed the same message (A New You in 30 Days, Instant Confidence, and Instant Anxiety Relief)—namely, instant solutions, with guaranteed, instant transformation.
I had been experiencing panic attacks for months.
My heart would race during meetings. I couldn’t sleep. My mind was like an internal ticker tape that never stopped. My existence felt pointless, and I was desperate for anything that could pull me out of it.
That night, I started reading my first “miracle cure” book. The author swore that if I followed his plan precisely, I would be free from anxiety in just 21 days. I was optimistic. Finally, I had found an answer.
The first day went great. By the fifth day, I noticed some significant improvement. However, by the 15th day, I was right back where I started. The anxiety not only returned but came back even stronger.
Now, I was not only anxious but also a failure at a “guaranteed solution.”
I won’t soon forget the scene of myself sitting on my kitchen floor at 2 a.m., surrounded by self-help books.
I had tried every kind of solution from quick fixes and instant results to magic formulas, and none of them worked. I was broken, perhaps a lost cause.
This wasn’t a sudden epiphany. It was delicate and subtle, like a whisper from the wiser part of myself, “What if my anxiety wasn’t an obstacle to be overcome in a day, but rather a part of me? One that needed my gentleness, care, and patience.”
It was difficult for me to understand that seeking quick fixes was creating even more problems for myself. I learned it the hard way. The “glittering trap” wouldn’t let me go.
Whenever quick fixes didn’t yield the desired results, I would sink into deep shame and despair. For example, I once followed a “7-Day Self-Esteem Booster” program that guaranteed I would be so self-motivated by day six that nothing could stop me. On day eight—when I was still anxious during my work presentation—I not only felt more anxious, but I also felt like a failure who couldn’t even follow instructions.
It wasn’t just anxiety anymore. I genuinely felt shame and self-doubt. Was this who I had become? I couldn’t even focus. I had such low self-esteem, and my new “quick fix” for my low mood offered me a flicker of hope for a time, but I always fell back into another low mood, and became depressed again.
Each failure to feel better made me feel like I was missing something important.
I was so impatient that I looked forward to everything with excitement. To find a way to improve, I watched self-help videos for hours every weekend. I became a hoarder of information instead of taking time out each weekend to continue to develop positive habits.
The thing is, I became so busy looking for solutions that I forgot to live. The life I was searching for had to be perfect; the possibilities I wanted to explore had to be exactly as I imagined them. There was no room for anything…real. I was so focused on finding ways to change my life that I missed countless opportunities to be grateful for the good moments in my life.
Instead of finding true emotional relief by understanding the root causes of my needs, I was suppressing negative emotions with temporary solutions.
Whenever I felt overwhelmed by stress, I would immediately look for a “5-minute stress fix,” without ever asking myself why I was stressed in the first place.
For example, when I felt anxious because of work deadlines, instead of sharing my concerns about my workload with my boss or improving my time-management skills, I would suppress the feeling of anxiety by doing some exercises that promised relaxation. This would work for a short time, but my real problem remained.
I spent my whole life waiting, never truly living, because I felt I had to fix myself first. I convinced myself that I wouldn’t prioritize myself or connect with people until my anxiety was under control. I promised myself I would be “confident enough” before attending a school reunion. I turned down new opportunities because I “wasn’t ready yet.”
My only mistake was treating my life like a broken machine that couldn’t function until it was completely fixed, like a car. However, humans don’t work that way. Humans can move forward, grow, and enjoy life, even while they are still healing.
The real consequence of this was that the desire for instant solutions trapped me in a cycle of always feeling incomplete and feeling as though I was never “good enough.” Every time I started a new “quick fix,” I assumed that my current problems hadn’t been properly addressed.
As an example, I started going for walks in the evening to help me feel less stressed. However, when I found a “game-changing anxiety technique,” I decided to try that instead of the walking. After it didn’t work, I felt worse since the thing that was making me feel miserable was still there, even if the walks had been helping me sleep.
The main issue wasn’t that I lacked good ideas. Rather, I was sabotaging my own efforts by associating negative feelings with a perceived deficiency that needed immediate fixing.
Once I understood this, everything started to make sense.
Instead of viewing anxiety as a threat that needed to be eliminated immediately, I began to see it as an informant that needed to be listened to patiently.
This small shift helped me break free from the vicious cycle of desperately wanting to get better quickly and ultimately failing. As a result, I experienced less anxiety (i.e., I was getting better).
When I stopped relying on clickbait, my entire existence transformed. Here’s a breakdown of the small steps that contributed to my success:
Step 1: I Started Measuring Progress in Small Moments.
Instead of expecting to become a new person in a short time, I started taking baby steps:
>> After receiving a difficult email, I paused and took a few moments to breathe.
>> I was overwhelmed for 15 minutes instead of staying up late the night before
>> I didn’t use my phone immediately after waking up.
>> In fact, I was surprised by these moments in my busy day.
These small things are crucial and contribute to self-improvement programs. Looking back, I realized how minor changes eventually made a major impact on making me more at ease. This gradual therapy naturally promotes deep, steady breathing.
Step 2: I Accepted Myself as a Work in Progress.
The desire to be “fixed” was actually the root of my problems. When I accepted that improvement is an ongoing process, a huge weight was instantly lifted from my chest.
My first shift was: “I don’t need to fix my anxiety. I can manage it,” instead of still saying: “I can only manage my anxiety by fixing it.” This was a powerful shift in my life. I was no longer chasing perfection, but embracing humanity.
It was around this time that I realized: “This is what growing up is all about. It’s messy, it’s slow, but this is it.”
Step 3: I Stopped Looking for Miracles and Started a Daily Practice.
My search for a quick fix ended, and instead, I found a daily routine:
>> 5 minutes of deep breathing in the morning
>> Practicing doing one thing at a time during breakfast (for example, mindfully eating)
>> Walking or running for a few minutes before sunset
>> Writing a few lines in my gratitude journal about one thing I was grateful for that day
To be honest, none of these healing activities was a sudden miracle. Besides, they didn’t take much time. Yet, with consistent effort, gradually, I found immense peace within myself.
As expected, the first week was the hardest. By the second week, it had already become a routine, and by the beginning of the third month, I realized that these simple practices were the key to my stability. Instead of quick solutions, they were my interpersonal companions at hard times. A few months later, I was no longer the same person: anxious and depressed.
>> Anxiety never went away entirely, but I had specific tools to help me relax.
>> The possibility of failure no longer painted my bad days in a negative light.
>> My new skills, acquired through consistent practice, truly paid off.
>> I was content with what I already had instead of constantly seeking new things.
>> I also became kind to myself for the first time.
>> When I stopped putting pressure on myself for results, my new way of being anxiety-free finally spilled over into other aspects of my life.
I Wish Someone Had Also Told Me This:
I wish someone had told me that healing is like learning a new skill, like riding a bicycle, not like taking a pill to get rid of a headache. You don’t feel better instantly. You practice, you wobble, you fall, you get up, and then you ride comfortably. I regret that no one told me that immediate change is not only unrealistic but also counterproductive, as I kept expecting miracles and criticizing myself.
Most of all, I would have liked to have been told that the extra slow progress still adds up, and that the involvement and consistency of work always win the day.
When I consulted a psychiatrist, I learned that medication, while often necessary, isn’t a magic wand that provides instant and permanent results. Rather, it’s a helpful tool that, when combined with other healthy habits, aids in the healing process, and that process takes time.
I used to think that needing time to heal was a sign of weakness. However, today I understand that it’s one of the most beautiful and pure human qualities we possess.
The lasting changes in my life didn’t come from a 30-day program or happen overnight. They came from consistently showing up for myself, day after day, with patience and compassion, doing the work I needed to do.
There’s nothing wrong with you that needs fixing. There’s no need to find the perfect solution. Just need to be mindful and gentle with yourself as you grow, slowly but surely.
Healing is a journey, not a race to the finish line. You are on your way, and you’re doing great.
~
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