Narcissistic parents will never understand
the breadth of their impact on kids.
The topic of narcissism begs the following
question flashing in neon lights: Why would a narcissist want a child to begin
with? Aren’t they so focused on themselves that they wouldn’t have the
slightest interest in paying attention to others, much less attending to a
needy young child who craves constant attention and praise?
Alas, the question presumes a type of
normalcy and natural order of the parent-child relationship that betrays the
root of narcissism. The truth is, narcissistic parents don’t
have children because they want to nurture and guide their offspring through
life; they have children so that they have an automatic, built-in relationship
in which they have power, one in which the narcissist can write the rules
without any checks and balances. Understand this: Control over someone else is
the ultimate jackpot every narcissist works so hard to win.
The reality of
narcissistic parenting couldn’t be sadder:
The child of the narcissist realizes early on that he exists to provide a
reflection for the parent and to serve the parent - not the other way around.
If you comb through online relationship
forums and chat rooms devoted to the subject of adult children of narcissists,
you'll find that all of the posters of comments have suffered similar bruises
at the hands of a narcissistic parent. To read some of the comments is
heartbreaking, and calls into question how strange and illogical it is to
create such rigorous adoption laws when an ill-fit individual can procreate
whenever they want – and mess up the life of a child without suffering a
consequence. The real tragedy occurs behind closed doors at home, much like the
process of physical abuse. The problem with being a child of a narcissist is
that it takes these children so many years of frustration and anguish to figure
out that Mom or Dad isn’t quite right; until that point, these children are
merely dancing as fast as they can, trying to please the impossible-to-please
narcissistic parent. It takes years to finally see that the type of parenting
they’ve been receiving is wrong – if not emotionally abusive.
Young children of narcissists learn early
in life that everything they do is a reflection on the parent to the point that
the child must fit into the personality and behavioral
mold intended for them. These children bear tremendous anxiety from a young age as they
must continually push aside their own personality in order to please the parent
and provide the mirror image the parent so desperately needs. If these children
fail to comply with the narcissist’s wishes or try to set their own goals for their life – God, forbid
– the children will be overtly punished, frozen out or avoided for a period of
time – hours, days or even weeks depending on the perceived transgression in
the eyes of the narcissistic parent.
With young children, the narcissistic
parent is experienced as unpredictable and confusing. After all, narcissists
are awfully difficult to understand for adults, so just imagine how confusing
the capricious narcissist is in the eyes of a young child! Because young kids
can’t make accurate sense of the narcissist’s interpersonal tricks and stunts,
these children internalize intense shame (‘I keep failing my Mom’)
which leads to anger that the child turns on
himself (‘I’m so stupid,’ ‘Something’s wrong with me’). The overall quality and
strength of the bond between the narcissistic parent and young child is poor
and weak. Deep down, the child doesn’t feel consistently loved, as the child is
taught the metaphoric Narcissistic Parenting Program: You’re only as good as I
say you are, and you’ll be loved only if !ou’re fully compliant with my
wishes. Simply put, it’s truly heartbreaking for the child – though the
narcissistic parent is sinfully oblivious.
It’s not until many years later that the
life experiences of the child of the narcissist start to make a little more
sense. Friends often catch glimpses of the kind of ‘crazy’ parenting these
individuals received, so he or she starts to get a healthy reality check like
this: “Your mom is insane,” or “Your Dad is seriously messed up.”
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How narcissistic parenting impacts the
adult relationships of children of narcissists
Because the narcissistic parent-child bond
was so distorted and corrupt, the offspring as adults tend to gravitate toward
drama-laden, roller-coaster relationships – especially with romantic
partners. Because they didn’t grow up with the belief that they were
intrinsically okay and good, it makes perfect sense that these individuals
would gravitate toward stormy romantic partners later. These adults would feel
like a fish out of water in a relationship with someone who loved them
consistently, and the experience would be so unfamiliar that it would cause
major anxiety.
Accordingly, these individuals tend to seek out partners who are
emotionally unavailable, critical or withholding – just like Mommy and/or Daddy
was in the past. In short, the only kind of relationship the adult child of a
narcissist really fits in with is one with a highly skewed dynamic: The child
of the narcissist must cater to and keep their partner happy, even when that
involves squashing her own needs and feelings.
It’s not until the adult children of a
narcissist get (a lot of) psychotherapy or have a
life-changing experience that pulls them away them from the disturbed parent
that these adult children can truly begin to heal – and then create better,
more normal relationships that offer the give-and-take reciprocation most of us
have and value in our relationships.
What’s interesting to note is the
narcissistic parent’s reaction to witnessing healthy psychological change in
their child. Once the child or adult child of the narcissist starts to get
psychologically healthier and begins to distance himself a bit from the parent,
the narcissistic parent experiences a sort of existential panic. Often, it’s a
psychotherapist, colleague or friend who plants the seeds of change, declaring
to the child that the parent is toxic and emotionally abusive. Thrust into
fight mode, the narcissistic parent feels furious and works to ostracize the
individual suspected of inducing the change and pulling the child away from the
parent’s tight grip. Though it can initially be confusing to the adult child
why the narcissistic parent verbally tears apart his closest confidants, the
parent’s reaction ultimately shows the adult child what matters most to the
narcissistic parent: his or her own emotional needs – not those of the adult
child.
If you happen to be someone who has
suffered at the hands of a narcissistic parent, talk to your friends and other
family members about your experience, and consider talking to a mental health professional. After years
of dealing with the inconsistency of a narcissistic parent, it can be extremely
healing to have a therapist help you make sense of the craziness.
Feel free to check out my book on
dysfunctional relationships, Overcome Relationship Repitition Syndrome and Find the Love You
Deserve, (link is external) or to follow me on Twitter (link is
external) for regular mental health updates!
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