“The ‘People-Pleasing Virus’: Understanding & Breaking Free”
By 
 
In People-Pleasing
By Aine Belton
As a recovering people-pleaser in the most dis-empowering sense, I’ve done a lot of digging into the roots of what I call the ‘people-pleasing virus’.
What’s ever wrong with pleasing people?
It all depends on where that pleasing is coming from. If it’s a genuine giving/responding/loving/respecting/caring, etc., obviously nothing at all!
Dysfunctional people-pleasing can come from a less true or healthy place. It can stem from fear, sacrifice, guilt, shame, a desire for approval, giving to get, the avoidance of possible judgement/anger/unkindness/being disliked, a lack of self worth, family patterns, poor boundaries, as examples.
It can actually hinder your capacity to give and serve by potentially placing being approved over being you. The greatest gift you have to give is you!
People-pleasing can block you from expressing your true self, from being all that you are and all you have come to be, from living a life fully aligned to your values, principles, passions, preferences, and joys.
Seek not to be accepted, seek to be you, and accept yourself for who you are.
You also don’t help anyone by agreeing with them in-authentically, not voicing your truth, or turning a blind-eye to something you feel is inappropriate. Disagreeing and saying no can be very much a part of loving and respecting both yourself and another, and obviously part-and-parcel of living your truth.
Furthermore, the only way you’re going to experience real intimacy with people that are a true fit for you is to be that you and abide by that truth.
Being conscious helps; to reflect, to self-inquire, to ascertain possible hidden agendas, undercurrents and intentions.
What feeds the people-pleasing virus?
Fear for one. Fear of judgement, rejection, humiliation, losing something/someone, confrontation, an argument, not fitting in, being disliked, etc.
Feeling unworthy and not good enough can also lead to people-pleasing if you place another’s well-being/value/values, etc. above your own. Feeling overly or inappropriately responsible for another’s feelings can do too.
If you’ve had a ‘not enough’ belief in some way, you may also seek to attain that enoughness through the validation of others, which, of course, is a futile quest. Self-esteem comes from within; no amount of approval or validation ‘out there’ will ever give it to you. You can though.
People-pleasing can also stem from feelings of guilt and shame, sacrifice or martyrhood, and family patterns with learned behaviour.
For some of you people-pleasing can be rooted in a lack of boundaries (certainly has been with me). If highly sensitive or overly empathic, you may experience another’s discomfort/pain/disappointment/anger, etc. to such an extent that you attempt to placate or avoid that through appeasing behaviour.
Don’t be hard on yourself or others if you spot the ‘people-pleasing virus’. It’s love that helps unhinge it, not judgement!
Being loved and accepted, belonging, and so on, are very natural core human needs. If those needs weren’t met as a child, or aren’t being met within, there can be an impulse to have them met externally. People-pleasing is an epidemic it’s easy to have compassion and understanding for.
For dealing with people-pleasing, address what may lie at its root for you personally. Have a reflect on some of the possibles above.
The greatest people-pleasing healer is self-love.
Practice breaking free from unhealthy people-pleasing.
Learn to comfortably say no (without excuses).
Set boundaries if/where necessary.
Listen to your truth fully in the moment. Honour and abide by that, particularly if a people-pleasing urge is rising.
Know that you may feel uncomfortable, guilty, scared, etc. when you begin to not please if it’s an entrenched pattern. Face any feelings that surface. Those feelings are essentially people-pleasing drivers, so feel and process them to move through. What can they teach you about what’s going on inside, including possible beliefs? Self-reflect to become more aware of why you may feel compelled to please in a way that doesn’t serve you.
Note: Loving and giving are the greatest of human joys. The last thing I want to encourage here is any cynicism about what may be genuine pleasing you/others are experiencing and enjoying, giving or receiving.
“Watch what people are cynical about, and one can often discover what they lack.” ~ George S. Patton
Breaking free from dysfunctional people-pleasing also isn’t about not having consideration or empathy for other people’s feelings. Withholding, unkindness, judgements, being rude, disrespectful, hurtful, etc. under the banner of ‘honesty’ or ‘authenticity’ can just be making an excuse for the ego.
“Honesty without kindness, humor, and goodheartedness can be just mean.” ~ Pema Chodron
♥ Aine Belton