Weekly Reading

Step 7: Humbly asked God to remove our shortcomings

 

When I first started coming to the CoDA meetings, I was definitely in crisis. My world being turned upside down forced me to look at myself, my relationships, my whole way of being. The pain was so great, the tunnel so dark, that I wasn't sure I would ever be able to live again. I was in intensive outpatient therapy at therapy 3 hours a day for several weeks. The therapy was focused on coping behaviors, and for me, the grieving process of losing my marriage. 

My anguish was real; - my pain was physical. Finally, the pain was so great that I would do anything to stop hurting. Each day in therapy, the group focused on a different topic: journaling, meditation, physical exercise, nutrition, self-care, affirmations. I did everything suggested. My time outside of therapy was filled with practicing all the coping mechanisms. I really couldn't do anything else. Getting to therapy and eating was all I could handle. 

During one of the sessions, we started to talk about codependency, and one of the suggestions was to attend these meetings. So I started coming. I listened and tried to share. Most of the time, I would start crying too much to share anything. But things have gotten better. I bought the workbook and started working the steps.

Steps 1 through 3 were difficult. Steps 4 and 5 were difficult, too, but more concrete. Steps 6 and 7 seemed a bit silly:- So I just get ready and then ask this Higher Power to fix me and boom!?! All is forgiven, and all these "character defects & shortcomings” will magically disappear, and all my burdens will be lifted. I have heard other people say that this happened to them.

 

I don't think so - not for me. I am old enough to know this doesn't happen; this isn't how the world works. But OK, I really want to get better. I really want healthy, loving relationships. I want to be happy, secure, and whole again.

 

Step 6. Ready to have God remove these defects of character. I started my list: controlling, manipulating, worrying, low self-esteem, my inability to identify my own needs, giving advice when it wasn't asked for, with-holding love as a way of manipulation, guilt, my need to be perfect, my need to try harder, my lack of trust in my ability to make decisions, my obsessive behavior and inability to detach. The list is long, Too long. So I moved on to step 7.

 

Step 7. Humbly ask God to remove our shortcomings.

 

I spent a long time thinking about this. The workbook suggested that I replace "shortcomings" with an individual defect I wanted to remove so I started approaching this step working on each problem, with reflection and affirmations.

 

The only thing that changed, the only thing I noticed was that I was really aware of every time I behaved like my old codependent self! Every time I jumped in to fix things. Every time I couldn't trust myself to make a decision. Every time I felt guilty for something that wasn't mine to feel guilty about. It dawned on me, that my biggest problem - my REALLY BIG PROBLEM - was fear. Fear of rejection, fear of not being able to take care of myself, fear of being alone, fear of failing, fear of not knowing what was going to happen, fear of doing the wrong thing, fear of expressing my emotions, fear of asking for help. I think the outside world saw me as capable, but my inside world was a little girl who was filled with fear - fear of everything.

 

And as I realized this, I also realized that now I am not so fearful. There are still many unknowns and I continue to identify my problem behaviors.- But I am not afraid anymore. I think the process is working. They say trust in the process. It works if you work it. I think it is working for me. I am starting to change. I am starting to really let go of the sick behaviors and starting to use healthy ones.

 

Marilyn P - 2016