Below are 5 potential myths and resistances around forgiveness to support you in more fully embracing it. As always, only accept that which feels true to you.
Whilst forgiveness sets you free, it may not always seem easy, and where it may be instant in some cases, forgiveness may involve stages, rather like the stages of grief shared in this previous post.
Trying to forgive through a wall of anger, for example, is unlikely to work. You may need to process feelings, give yourself time for reflection/healing, perhaps to look at a possible bigger picture, hidden agendas, shadows, stories, for deeper understanding, taking responsibility, and so on. Asking for divine assistance in any forgiveness process can also help.
To also forgive YOURSELF for whatever it is you are wanting to forgive in your life, and to see if you’re aware of any ‘blessings in disguise’ around the situation, and what you can learn about what’s going on inside (beliefs, thoughts, patterns, wounds, etc.).
Below are 5 possible blocks to forgiveness. Recognizing and acknowledging these alone can help them dissipate and prevent them standing between you and forgiveness.
1) I’ve found for me personally, and with family and friends I know, there can be certain things that seem easier or harder to forgive.
That can vary for everyone depending on what particularly presses on your buttons, feels most triggering/hurtful/offensive, and plugs most into your wounds, beliefs, shadows, and stories, for example.
That personal ‘plug-in’ may be why we experience more resistance or difficulty forgiving those particular things, which we can also have bigger blind-spots and be less conscious around. Having a reflect on this and possible patterns in your life to view the situation from a bigger picture can help.
2) Letting go is always a part of forgiveness, and because of that, there can be resistance to it.
I remember after my father died many years ago my sister held on to anger for some time. Anger can be a stage of grief in itself, but she realized this anger was also a way of holding on and not going to the next level of feeling and healing – the pain beneath the anger, the grief, mourning, and letting go. In this case that was her resistance to forgiveness, for if she forgave, she’d have to let go. Her anger, ironically, offered some kind of connection and closeness. Sometimes we don’t forgive because we don’t want to let go.
3) Another resistance to forgiveness is a sense that if you forgive you are essentially condoning the behavior of the person you are forgiving. Obviously, if you don’t like the behavior you may have a resistance to forgiving them if you hold that association. Working with judgement alone can help in some cases, but for an immediate shift, look to forgive the ‘why’ rather than the ‘what’.
You don’t have to focus on forgiving the act or deed, whatever that be. You can forgive the reasons behind it; the inner pain, ignorance, dysfunction, beliefs, etc. that may have caused someone to act the way they did. As the saying goes, it is the hurt-full who are hurtful.
Beyond that, there is the why you attracted, allowed or created the experience. What was your story, wound, belief, etc? Or was it a lack of self-worth, or sabotage, or victimhood? Or was it, in retrospect, a blessing in disguise?
Take responsibility and forgive yourself if necessary. What ‘why’ within you regarding any situation can you address, become conscious of, and forgive yourself for if you think that will help (or thank yourself for if there’s a hidden gift there!).
4) Another resistance to forgiveness is a fear that if you forgive someone you would have to spend time with them or lose your boundaries in some way. Obviously this isn’t the case. You get to choose who is or isn’t in your life, and just addressing this often hidden fear can help free it. Forgiving someone doesn’t mean you have to hang out with them, it just means they don’t have to hang out in your head.
5) Lastly, the ego will resist forgiveness. Anything unforgiven is fertile ground for the ego, which doesn’t want you to forgive because then you’ll be free of the grip of those ego traps. Simply being aware of the ego’s resistance can help!
As mentioned, there can be stages to forgiveness. Don’t feel bad if you’re not feeling anywhere near forgiveness, or feel like you’re unspiritual or unevolved for not managing to forgive quickly or easily.
Honour your process, your feelings, your journey, yet know forgiveness is always there for you.
Much love,
Aine Belton
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