I found Jesus, Muhammad and Moses at “Cloud Eight,” a charming brew-pub just a few blocks from St. Peter’s Gate. The three have lately developed a daily ritual of sharing conversation before heading home. They invited me to a circular table in the back of the bar and ordered a round of drinks from a comely young waitress:
Jesus: “I’ll have a margarita.”
Muhammad: “Perrier for me, please, no ice.”
Moses: “I’ll have a carafe of Manischewitz Blackberry.” (Jesus wrinkles his nose.)
Jesus: “How can you drink that crap? The water I turned into wine tastes so much better.”
Moses: “So quit kvetching and make me a pitcher of Merlot already.” (They laugh.)
Me: “I’ll have a Corona with lime and a bowl of pretzels for the table.”
Moses: “Yeah, and make sure they’re gluten-free!” (They all guffaw. I assume it’s a private joke. The waitress rolls her eyes and walks off.)
Me: “Thanks for allowing me to interview you for WHVN, 107.9 on your FM dial. If it’s alright, I’d like to ask questions that would be considered too risky if presented back on Earth. Jesus, I’d like to begin with you.” (Jesus holds his palms out and nods.)
Me: “The New Testament glosses over the so-called ‘lost years’ between the time you were 12 until when you began your ministry decades later. What were you up to? Skateboarding at the Galilee Mall? Building condos in West Nazareth?” (The three chuckle politely. We’re in Heaven, where everyone is nice.)
Jesus: “Actually, I was in India, Tibet and other locations in the East gaining wisdom for my future work in Judea. The early Church Fathers had an issue with that and edited the Bible accordingly.”
Me: “I’m sure they did. And what happened to you in India?”
Jesus: “I challenged the corruption of the priesthood and the unjust caste system. Very vocally too, I might add. The priestly elite condemned me, the common people stood in my defense and the secular rulers suggested I mosey on elsewhere. Sound familiar? (Laughs.) Before I returned to Nazareth, I spent several years in a Mystery School in the Egyptian desert earning my Christhood.”
Me: “Earning?”
Jesus: “Yes, spiritual mastership isn’t given away. It has to be earned by a series of difficult tests that push your moral integrity to the brink. Several times, I nearly flunked. But anyone can attain what I did as long as they do the work. In short, we are all sons and daughters of God.”
Me: “Can you give an example of one of the tests?”
Jesus: “No, they’re secret. But the section in Scripture about me struggling with Satan for 40 days and nights is an allegory. There is no ‘Satan,’ of course, just the dark side of our common human nature. The attraction of money, fame and power is more tempting than you can imagine, as your earthly politicians are currently demonstrating.”
Muhammad: “Young souls. They don’t know any better. Give them a few lifetimes to catch up.”
Moses: “If they don’t blow up the whole freakin’ world in the meantime.”
Me: “Thanks, Jesus. Moses, you’re up next. Tell me, why are the Israelis so intolerant? You would think that after their centuries of oppression, they would be more understanding of the Palestinians.”
Moses: “The Israelis are suffering from one whopping case of PTSD. And it won’t go away anytime soon. The Holocaust has deformed their DNA and explains why they feel they can rely only on themselves. I admit they have taken it too far. And I wish Israel had initiated some form of ‘separation of church and state,’ as the Americans did, if only to keep a gang of 16th century Shtetl reactionaries from running the country.”
Me: “Muhammad, your turn. Why does Islam preach violent jihad and treat women so abominably.”
Muhammad: “It didn’t when I was around. My goal was to create a spiritual, egalitarian society in a region of tribal animosities. Frankly, any idiot who thinks that if they blow up a bus they’ll go to Heaven and get laid is in for a shock. And women enjoyed greater equality in the beginning of Islam. My first wife, Khadijah, was a successful and independent businesswoman. My other wife, Ayesha, commanded an army in battle! Try forcing a burqa on her and she would have ripped your head off! All that repressive stuff is the fault of human frailty and over-zealous disciples.”
Moses: “Disciples, feh! As Alan Watts observed, ‘Disciples are the ones who got an A in the course but missed the point of the whole thing’.”
Me (to Jesus): “And which of the 12 was your favorite disciple?”
Jesus: “None of them. My true disciples were the women, not the so-called ‘saints’ who were too busy writing their press releases. In truth, I gave my church over to Mary Magdalene, not Peter. Naturally, the patriarchs of the Catholic Church had a fit over that.”
Me: “Seems like you three are pretty much on the same page.”
Jesus: “Hey, in our opinion it’s all the same God. When you get right down to it, all religions express the same three precepts. Number One: There is a Higher Power than you running the show.”
Muhammad: “Number Two: Take care of each other.”
Moses: “Number Three: Don’t be a schmuck. All the rest is advertising, fairy tales and bullsh*t.”
(As they eat, Buddha walks through the front door and meanders over to their table. His saffron robe is immaculate and his hair is perfectly coiffed.)
Jesus: “Oh, look, Mr. Clean just arrived. He of the most beatific smile.” (He pulls a chair out for him.)
Muhammad: “Dude, quit with the serenity, already. You’re in a bar, not sitting under the Bodhi tree.” (I gather teasing Gautama is a Spiritual Masters in-thing.)
(Buddha surveys the room and, without a word, stands up on his chair.)
Buddha: “Who do I have to screw to get a drink around here!?” (He winks at the trio, climbs down and joins the table.)
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Author: Daniel A. Brown
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