What to do if you're living with substance abuse
Source: Alcohol_desgracia Wikimedia by RayNata
Living with an addict can be a living hell.
Unpredictable and dangerous, yet sometimes exciting and romantic. Never knowing
when we’ll be blamed or accused. Not being able to dependably plan social
events. As the addict becomes more irresponsible, we pick up the slack and do
more, often becoming the sole functioning parent or even the sole provider; yet
we’re unable to lean on our partner for comfort or support. Meanwhile, we
rescue him or her from disasters, medical emergencies, accidents, or jail. We
make excuses for no-shows at work and family gatherings, and patch up damaged
property, relationships, and self-inflicted mishaps. We may also endure
financial hardship, criminality, domestic violence, or infidelity due to the
addict’s behavior.
We worry, feel angry, afraid, and alone. We hide our
private lives from friends, co-workers, and even family to cover up the
problems created by addiction or alcoholism. Our shame isn’t warranted;
nonetheless, we feel responsible for the actions of the addict. Our self-esteem
deteriorates from the addict’s lies, verbal abuse, and blame. Our sense of
safety and trust erodes as our isolation and despair grow. Alcohol is a drug. I
refer to alcoholism, but many of the feelings that partners experience are the
same, regardless of the type of addiction.
Addiction is Considered a Disease
Alcohol is a drug, and alcoholism is a disease. Like
other addictions, it’s a compulsion that worsens over time. Drug addicts use
and drink to ease their emotional pain and emptiness. They often try to control
their drinking or using and may be able to stop for a while, but once
dependency takes hold, most find it impossible to stop using or drink like
non-alcoholics. When alcoholics try to curb their drinking, they eventually end
up drinking more than they intend despite their best efforts not to. No matter
what they say, addicts aren’t drinking or using because of you, nor because
they lack morality or willpower. They drink and use because they have a disease
and an addiction. They deny this reality and rationalize or blame their drug
use on anything or anyone else. Denial is the hallmark of addiction.
Alcohol Use Disorder
You may be wondering whether someone you love is
abusing or dependent upon alcohol or drugs. The most recent fifth edition of
the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders labels excessive
drinking an “Alcohol Use Disorder.” It refers to an alcoholic as a person with
an Alcohol Use Disorder. (Similar changes were made for other substance-related
disorders, classified according to the substance, such as opioids, inhalants,
sedatives, stimulants, hallucinogens, and cannabis.) It's a disorder if there’s
a pattern of use that causes impairment or distress manifested by at least two
of the following signs within a year when the person:
1. Drinks alcohol in greater amounts or for a longer
period than was intended
2. Has a persistent desire or has made failed attempts
to reduce or control drinking
3. Spends great time in activities to obtain or use
alcohol or to recover from its effects article continues after advertisement
4. Has a strong desire to drink alcohol
5. Fails to meet obligations at work, school, or home
due to recurrent drinking
6. Drinks despite the recurrent social or
interpersonal problems caused or worsened as a result
7. Stops or reduces important activities due to
drinking
8. Drinks when it’s physically hazardous to do so
9. Drinks despite a recurrent physical or
psychological problem caused or worsened as a result
10. Develops tolerance (needs increased amounts to
achieve desired effect)
11. Has withdrawal symptoms from disuse, such as
tremor, insomnia, nausea, anxiety, agitation
The “Family Disease”
Addiction is “a family disease.” It’s said that at
least five other people experience the effects of a drinker’s alcoholism,
coined “secondhand drinking,” by Lisa Frederiksen. People close to an addict
try to control the situation, the drinking or drug use, and the addict. If you
live with substance abuse, you’re affected most, and children severely suffer
because of their vulnerability and lack of maturity, especially if their mother
or both parents are addicts. For more on the immediate and lifelong effects on
children of substance abusers, see "The Trauma of Children of Addicts and
Alcoholics."
It’s painful to helplessly watch someone we love
slowly destroy him or herself, our hopes and dreams, and our family. We feel
frustrated and resentful from repeatedly believing the addict’s broken promises
and from trying to control an uncontrollable situation. Denial affects the
family as well as the addict. In time, family members become as obsessed with
the alcoholic as he or she is with alcohol. As stated in Al-Anon Family Group’s
“Understanding Ourselves,” their attention "becomes directed at what the
alcoholic is doing or not doing and how to get the drinker to stop drinking.”
They may look for him or her in bars, count his or her drinks, pour out booze,
or search for bottles.
Hope and Recovery
Family members easily become codependent with the
alcoholic. Without help, that codependency follows the same downward trajectory
of alcoholism. There is hope, however, and there is help for the addict and for
family members. The first step is to learn as much as you can about alcoholism
and codependency. Many of the things people do to help an addict or alcoholic
are counterproductive and actually can make things worse. Listen to the
experience, strength, and hope of others in recovery. Al-Anon Family Groups can
help. There are meetings for friends, relatives and children of alcoholics.
There is also Nar-Anon Family Group meetings for friends and relatives of drug
addicts.
You will learn:
• Not to suffer because of the actions or reactions of
other people
• Not to allow ourselves to be used or abused by
others in the interest of another’s recovery
• Not to do for others what they can do for themselves
• Not to manipulate situations so others will eat, go
to bed, get up, pay bills, not drink, or behave as we see fit
• Not to cover up for another’s mistakes or misdeeds
• Not to create a crisis
• Not to prevent a crisis if it is in the natural
course of events*
Attend an Al-Anon or Nar-Anon meeting in your area or
online. Read and do the exercises in my book, Codependency for Dummies.
©Darlene Lancer 2014
*Reprinted with permission of Al-Anon Family Group
Headquarters, Inc., Virginia Beach, VA.
©Darlene Lancer 2014
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