The Tree of Bullying

The tree of bullying began inside me.

I don't remember it consciously as a seed.

But I knew I loved it, and I nourished its leaves, until it was a majestic tree.

I used words to myself, like,

"You should,

you could

shape up

you must be ashamed

aren't you afraid?

why did you?

who do you think you are?"

Somehow people on the outside knew about my Tree of Bullying and they loved it. They used the same language to show that they loved me, as I loved myself. And I agreed with their words, they were familiar, because they had been mine first.

I loved and feared the anxiety, dread, grief, sadness they engendered in myself.

Because then I belonged to them and myself.

But myself less and less.

Finally I could not remember who myself was anymore.

I needed other people to use words like 'hopeless', 'crazy', 'failure', 'stupid', 'doormat'. Even my 'flowers' from my tree, the bullies I had nourished to bully me, other people, were tired of my game. They wanted me to stand up to them, and to grow up, but I couldn't because I didn't want to. My identity was rooted in their words, and in the words I grew in my heart. I was used to feeling powerless. To let go of myself and my control was the most frightening thing I had ever done. If I was no longer going to bully myself, what right did other people have to do it to me?

I belong to myself now,

completely,

I permit myself to be loved by me,

accepted,

known.

The Tree of Bullying

began to die when -

I began to throw away the Seed of Codependence forever.

I birthed it.

I am killing it with the Help of Higher Power and my own personal power.

Thank you CoDA.

Maria S – 4/9/18