CoDA Weekly Reading

Hello,

My name is Laura and I am very codependent.

I attended my first CoDA meeting about ten years ago. Stayed for a little while and came back two years ago. I had three relationships prior to CoDA that I now know were doomed because of my codependency (among other things). I gave everything I had in me and then some, thinking this is what you are supposed to do. When my partner(s) were unfaithful, I swallowed my pride and never missed a step. I wasn’t going anywhere—if anything, I became more loving. Basically they were rewarded for what they did and things went from bad to worse. Looking back, it's not surprising that I was using drugs on a regular basis to numb my feelings. No one knew my little secret… nobody!

After a 24 year relationship came to an end, I realized just how much my codependent behavior played a part in all of my relationships. I saw for the first time just how bad this affects every part of your life and I swore I would not do the same thing again.
Well, it was a nice thought but when it came right down to it, I was unable to change it. I thought it would be simple to do (now that I knew what I was doing wrong). NOT! It's easier to do what you are used to doing, what has become the norm. So now the new relationship is starting off the same as the others.

For me, my codependency is based on fear and people pleasing. I will run myself into the ground, doing more than is physically possible.

Then I use in order to keep up the pace. It’s a terrible cycle. My life was unmanageable.
I am much more aware of what's going on in my relationships today. I have so much more knowledge than I did 30 years ago. I now attend weekly CoDA meetings and I have a sponsor. I am far from perfect and will find myself acting codependently but I catch it before it gets crazy.

Today my life is manageable and I owe it all to Codependents Anonymous.

Thanks for letting me share!

Laura 6/19/18