We have all had toxic people dust us with their
poison. Sometimes it’s more like a drenching. Difficult people are
drawn to the reasonable ones and all of us have likely had (or have) at
least one person in our lives who have us bending around ourselves like barbed
wire in endless attempts to please them – only to never really get there.
Their damage lies in their subtlety and the way they
can engender that classic response, ‘It’s not them, it’s me.’ They can have you
questioning your ‘over-reactiveness’, your ‘oversensitivity’, your ‘tendency to
misinterpret’. If you’re the one who’s continually hurt, or the one who is
constantly adjusting your own behaviour to avoid being hurt, then
chances are that it’s not you and it’s very much them.
Being able to spot their harmful behaviour is the
first step to minimising their impact. You might not be able to change what
they do, but you can change what you do with it, and any idea that toxic
somebody in your life might have that they can get away with it.
There are plenty of things toxic people do to
manipulate people and situations to their advantage. Here are 12 of them.
Knowing them will help you to avoid falling under the influence:
- They’ll keep you
guessing about which version of them you’re getting.
They’ll be completely lovely one day and the next
you’ll be wondering what you’ve done to upset them. There often isn’t anything
obvious that will explain the change of attitude – you just know something
isn’t right. They might be prickly, sad, cold or cranky and when you ask if
there’s something wrong, the answer will likely be ‘nothing’ – but they’ll give
you just enough to let you know that there’s something. The ‘just
enough’ might be a heaving sigh, a raised eyebrow, a cold shoulder. When this
happens, you might find yourself making excuses for them or doing everything
you can to make them happy. See why it works for them?
Stop trying to please them. Toxic people figured out a
long time ago that decent people will go to extraordinary lengths to keep the
people they care about happy. If your attempts to please aren’t working or
aren’t lasting for very long, maybe it’s time to stop. Walk away and come
back when the mood has shifted. You are not responsible for anybody else’s
feelings. If you have done something unknowingly to hurt somebody, ask, talk
about it and if need be, apologise. At any rate, you shouldn’t have to guess.
- They’ll manipulate.
If you feel as though you’re the only one contributing
to the relationship, you’re probably right. Toxic people have a way of sending
out the vibe that you owe them something. They also have a way of taking from
you or doing something that hurts you, then maintaining they were doing it all
for you. This is particularly common in workplaces or relationships where the
balance of power is out. ‘I’ve left that six months’ worth of filing for you. I
thought you’d appreciate the experience and the opportunity to learn your way
around the filing cabinets.’ Or, ‘I’m having a dinner party. Why don’t you
bring dinner. For 10. It’ll give you a chance to show off those kitchen skills.
K?’
You don’t owe anybody anything. If it doesn’t feel
like a favour, it’s not.
- They won’t own their feelings.
Rather than owning their own feelings, they’ll act as
though the feelings are yours. It’s called projection, as in projecting their
feelings and thoughts onto you. For example, someone who is angry but won’t
take responsibility for it might accuse you of being angry with them. It might
be as subtle as, ‘Are you okay with me?’ or a bit more pointed, ‘Why are you
angry at me,’ or, ‘You’ve been in a bad mood all day.’
You’ll find yourself justifying and defending and
often this will go around in circles – because it’s not about you. Be really
clear on what’s yours and what’s theirs. If you feel as though you’re defending
yourself too many times against accusations or questions that don’t fit, you
might be being projected on to. You don’t have to explain, justify or
defend yourself or deal with a misfired accusation. Remember that.
- They’ll make you prove yourself
to them.
They’ll regularly put you in a position where you have
to choose between them and something else – and you’ll always feel obliged to
choose them. Toxic people will wait until you have a commitment, then they’ll
unfold the drama. ‘If you really cared about me you’d skip your exercise
class and spend time with me.’ The problem with this is that enough will
never be enough. Few things are fatal – unless it’s life or death, chances are
it can wait.
- They never apologise.
They’ll lie before they ever apologise, so there’s no
point arguing. They’ll twist the story, change the way it happened and retell
it so convincingly that they’ll believe their own nonsense.
People don’t have to apologise to be wrong. And
you don’t need an apology to move forward. Just move forward – without them.
Don’t surrender your truth but don’t keep the argument going. There’s just no
point. Some people want to be right more than they want to be happy and you
have better things to do than to provide fodder for the
right-fighters.
- They’ll be there in a crisis
but they’ll never ever share your joy.
They’ll find reasons your good news isn’t great news.
The classics: About a promotion – ‘The money isn’t that great for the amount of
work you’ll be doing.’ About a holiday at the beach – ‘Well it’s going to be
very hot. Are you sure you want to go?’ About being made Queen of the Universe
– ‘Well the Universe isn’t that big you know and I’m pretty sure you won’t get
tea breaks.’ Get the idea? Don’t let them dampen you or shrink you down to
their size. You don’t need their approval anyway – or anyone else’s for that
matter.
- They’ll leave a conversation
unfinished – and then they’ll go offline.
They won’t pick up their phone. They won’t answer
texts or emails. And in between rounds of their voicemail message, you might
find yourself playing the conversation or argument over and over in your
head, guessing about the status of the relationship, wondering what you’ve done
to upset them, or whether they’re dead, alive or just ignoring you – which can
sometimes all feel the same. People who care about you won’t let you go on
feeling rubbish without attempting to sort it out. That doesn’t mean you’ll
sort it out of course, but at least they’ll try. Take it as a sign of their
investment in the relationship if they leave you ‘out there’ for lengthy
sessions.
- They’ll use non-toxic words
with a toxic tone.
The message might be innocent enough but the tone
conveys so much more. Something like, ‘What did you do today?’ can mean
different things depending on the way it’s said. It could mean anything from
‘So I bet you did nothing – as usual,’ to ‘I’m sure your day was better than
mine. Mine was awful. Just awful. And you didn’t even notice enough to ask.’
When you question the tone, they’ll come back with, ‘All I said was what did
you do today,’ which is true, kind of, not really.
- They’ll bring irrelevant detail
into a conversation.
When you’re trying to resolve something important to
you, toxic people will bring in irrelevant detail from five arguments ago. The
problem with this is that before you know it, you’re arguing about something
you did six months ago, still defending yourself, rather than dealing with
the issue at hand. Somehow, it just always seems to end up about what you’ve
done to them.
- They’ll make it about the way
you’re talking, rather than what you’re talking about.
You might be trying to resolve an issue or get
clarification and before you know it, the conversation/ argument has moved away
from the issue that was important to you and on to the manner in which
you talked about it – whether there is any issue with your
manner or not. You’ll find yourself defending your tone, your gestures,
your choice of words or the way you belly moves when you breathe – it doesn’t
even need to make sense. Meanwhile, your initial need is well gone on the pile
of unfinished conversations that seems to grow bigger by the day.
- They exaggerate.
‘You always …’ ‘You never …’ It’s hard to defend
yourself against this form of manipulation. Toxic people have a way of drawing
on the one time you didn’t or the one time you did as evidence of your
shortcomings. Don’t buy into the argument. You won’t win. And you don’t need
to.
- They are judgemental.
We all get it wrong sometimes but toxic people will
make sure you know it. They’ll judge you and take a swipe at your self-esteem
suggesting that you’re less than because you made a mistake. We’re all allowed
to get it wrong now and then, but unless we’ve done something that affects them
nobody has the right to stand in judgement.
Knowing the favourite go-to’s for toxic people
will sharpen your radar, making the manipulations easier to spot and
easier to name. More importantly, if you know the characteristic signs of a
toxic person, you’ll have a better chance of catching yourself before you tie
yourself in double knots trying to please them.
Some people can’t be pleased and some people won’t be
good for you – and many times that will have nothing to do with you. You can
always say no to unnecessary crazy. Be confident and own your own faults, your
quirks and the things that make you shine. You don’t need anyone’s approval but
remember if someone is working hard to manipulate, it’s because probably
because they need yours. You don’t always have to give it but if you do, don’t
let the cost be too high.
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