The
Importance of Remaining Open
The
other day while walking the dog with my husband, I was talking about my
shutting down and isolating process. I was able to explain to him how it
happened to me by following my codependent umbilical cord back to the beginning.
Being
raised in a strict, abusive household and learning early that I couldn’t trust
anyone, I was forced to run away at the age of 14. On the streets, there were
even more people posing as friends, teachers, doctors, and therapists. Over and
over again, the oath of secrecy went out the window, with trust being right at
its heels.
I
went from being already broken to my psyche, heart, mind, and bones becoming a
bit more closed and rigid each time it would happen. This lack of control and
constant berating by others resulted in my pessimistic view of the world and an
overemphasis on the bottom line survival skills.
“Hooray,
I’m alone and I don’t have to put up with people shaming me after they abuse
me.” Yes, sarcasm was yet another tool in my codependent arsenal. I became
angry inside and listened to heavy metal music to help deal with my anger. I
released the anger by throwing knife stars at a huge piece of plywood. The
worst thing that happened is I closed my mind and heart off and built the
biggest wall I could find to drink behind.
I
was a lone drinker. My days, weeks, months, years were consumed by me trying
not to run out of alcohol, and no one could tell me anything or I would become
triggered and lash out. The constant upkeep on my liquor inventory took over my
life as I drank and shut more people out of my life.
I
came to CoDA 2 years ago after almost dying and spending five months in
hospitals. I went through group rehab and another recovery program before I
joined CoDA. Being a small local CoDA group and most of us being single, we
offered to have Thanksgiving at our home. I was still walking with a cane and
in a lot of pain but I wanted to get better and to prove it to myself by
cooking a feast for my fellows. I wish you could have seen the spread.
Magnificent!
After
dinner, it was time for my first CoDA meeting, and one of the guests asked me
to chair. I was so nervous and making nervous jokes. Finally, I just followed
the script, had my first CoDA meeting in the living room, and received my
silver welcome chip and a hug in my home! Perfect!
I
now remain open and willing to accept that I can do nothing without a power
greater than myself. It has been freeing to not have to do everything by myself
or to try to get people to do what I thought I needed. I remain open and honest
by doing what I can and leaving the rest for the universe to sort out. I remain
open to the turning of the wheel of the universe, and its predestined alignment
for me.
So
as I pick up my 2-year CoDA chip on Thanksgiving, I am grateful for two things.
1.
I’m thankful for the program of Codependents Anonymous for its help in so many
ways.
2.
Quoting my husband’s grandfather, ‘’I am thankful I’m not a turkey.’’
Thanks
for reading my story,
P.N.W.
- 10/30/20
No comments:
Post a Comment