Sharing with you my top 7 tips for sticking with No Contact is something I am very passionate about!
This is because I know that doing No Contact and then holding it, is one of the most excruciating things you will ever do.
Many people slip up. I did more times than I can count – but this was because I didn’t know HOW or WHY it was so vital to hold No Contact.
I also didn’t know that No Contact was only one part of my Thriver Healing recovery – No Contact in and of itself is NOT the full answer … and we will be discussing that throughout this article.
It is my deepest wish that today’s article will make it much easier for you to understand and keep No Contact, so that you can be detoxed from narcissistic abuse and go forth in the most healed and empowered way to create your True Self and your True Life.
After what you have been through you deserve no less!
The first of my 7 Tips for sticking to No Contact is about getting very clear about what No Contact means and why you are doing it.
Number 1 – Understand That No Contact Is Not The Same As The Silent Treatment
It is very common for victims of narcissistic abuse to take on far too much responsibility for what is going wrong in the relationship. Therefore, you may think, “Narcissists use the silent treatment to punish people. Aren’t I doing this by doing No Contact? What is the difference?”
Let’s be very clear – narcissists use the silent treatment to punish, manipulate and maybe even get space to groom or be with other sources of narcissistic supply.
A person who has been suffering narcissistic abuse does No Contact to save their Soul. They reach this decision after knowing that the only way to try to get sanity, space and recovery is to detach, pull away and no longer touch the stove that is burning them.
It’s like an act of refusing to drink poison anymore. It is an act of self-preservation, the beginning of self-healing and a powerful statement of self-love – “I choose me instead of continued abuse.”
Of course, a manipulative narcissist will accuse you of being narcissistic, uncaring and the like. This is a projection of what a narcissist does when they pull away.
Be very clear that your act of No Contact is so that finally you can start to take back your sanity, Soul and life so you can heal.
Number 2 – Block And Delete
This next of my top 7 tips for sticking with No Contact is vital!
When you decide to go No Contact start it powerfully. This means standing firm in, “I am taking back my Soul and life. Having ANY contact with you is not healthy for me.”
Your healing recovery has a much better chance if you set up No Contact correctly right from the start.
If you leave lines of communication open you may be checking your texts and emails. Block social media accounts, your email and phone numbers. Cut off any way that the narcissist can make contact with you.
Taking back your Soul and your life needs your committed dedication to this cause. It’s not going to be easy – there are still many aspects of this that you will need to get through.
Blocking all ways that the narcissist can get contact through to you is one of the most powerful ways to set up No Contact for yourself.
Also do not accept contact through others, don’t read any messages, letters or the like. This takes supreme self-diligence – and the next section may help you understand why this is so vital.
Number 3 – Create Boundaries With Self
The firmest boundary that is required is the one with yourself.
Don’t check up on this person’s social media, or if they are seeing someone, or how it is going with their new supply. This is going to land you smack bang right back into extreme trauma and powerlessness and you will feel your Life Force drain out of you as if you are literally psychically being sucked dry.
Refrain from driving past his or her house, or talking to people purposefully in order to find out information. Your quest is to detox this person from every part of your being.
Think of addictions – such as if you were getting off heroin. If you pick it up, you are hooked again.
Many people think breaking No Contact means actual contact with the narcissist. It’s so much more than that. It’s about YOU sticking to not looking them up, stalking them on line or doing anything to bring them back into your consciousness.
No Contact means letting go in every shape or form, even if you are worried about “what the narcissist will do next.”
The narcissist’s hold over you is mostly emotional, psychic and energetic.
This is a war of the psyche and your Soul. Every time you hook in trying to outplay, outthink them or stay one step ahead, you grant them a feed off your energy which allows them to psychically keep draining out your Life Force and powers them up to hurt you via your fear and pain and feelings of helplessness and powerlessness.
It’s like being a fly in a spider’s web.
Many people have reported the narcissist still living on inside them, even though they may not have seen the narcissist for decades.
To get energetically free from a narcissist means exorcising them OUT from inside of you – first and foremost. Then all other separations happen as you take back your Life Force. This can’t and won’t happen if you continue to hook back into their energy field. If you do this you are giving your energetic consent to having your Soul taken over.
I am truly not kidding about this – it is beyond real!
Number 4 – Know You Are Escaping A Cycle Of Violence
I really want to address this now, at this stage of my top 7 tips for sticking with No Contact.
This tip is for those of you who will go through the inevitable, “Maybe if I just try this, or maybe if we just work at that, I can get back together with this person and we can make this relationship work.”
Please know being with a narcissist is a cycle of violence that never repairs and never improves. It is very helpful for you to get clear about this, so that you have no delusions about getting back together and fixing this.
Toxic relationships keep spiralling down and disintegrating.
Healthy relationships with people who have the capacity for healthy relationships go through challenges but come out stronger and in even more unity each time they are under pressure.
In stark contrast this is how narcissistic relationships roll – tension builds, the abusive explosion happens, you separate then you make up … then tension builds, explosion happens, you separate then you make up, tension builds … and so on and so on and so on.
What you will notice is that nothing ever gets resolved. The same issues that you fought for never seem to hold firm and continue on and on. Rather than repair, they get WORSE.
As the cracks appear and deepen the blow-ups are more Soul-shattering, the separations more impactful, the makeups are more fragile, with you feeling more anxiety and terror around them, and it doesn’t take long before the next explosion happens.
Things are getting more extreme, the cycle gets faster and the trauma is escalating.
Nothing works to durably repair this, no matter what you try or how sorry (eventually) the narcissist may profess to be.
Additionally, every time you get back with a narcissist, after you have tried to get away and stay away, the narcissist’s cruel fragile ego will punish you harder each time. In fact, they may only be reuniting with you to act out revenge, regain control and this time be the one that leaves you. I can assure you from personal experience and having worked with thousands of people over the last ten plus years, if you go back, the narcissist will make you pay.
Please know this – once you have got to the stage of No Contact there is no going back.
It always gets worse.
I really want that to be your warning and inspiration to keep going forward with No Contact – and please know if you do, you will reach the light at the end of this dark tunnel.
Number 5 – Be Prepared For The Narcissistic Tactics
Breaking up with a narcissist and staying away is not straightforward. There’s a lot emotionally, mentally, physically and financially to contend with.
First of all you will be fragile, peptide addicted and easily triggered. The narcissist knows how to get to you, because they have been triggering you to control you and extract narcissistic supply (your emotional energy and reactions) for some time.
Maybe abandoning and ignoring you is what they know will hurt you the most, and that is the most likely way they can get a reaction from you.
Maybe it’s about moving on and throwing another person in your face, or around people you know so that this news will get back to you.
Maybe it’s about smearing you to others, blaming you for everything and even turning people against you.
It could be a threat through authorities to try to hurt you.
Or, the narcissist may hit you with remorse, apologies, love bombing, gifts, helplessness and wanting your sympathy – telling you about some tragic thing in their life to activate your compassion.
Maybe the narcissist will send you a random text that looks like it was intended for someone else to get your head ticking and hook you in again.
The narcissist’s False Self wants the ego feed – meaning knowing that he or she has the power to affect you. If you are distraught, still hooked in and not able to get on with your life this is an ego prize for the narcissist.
Whatever it takes for that to happen is what the narcissist will try to get from you.
This is not about love – it’s about feeding their insecure insatiable False Self. This is not about caring for you, rather the narcissist has made sure it’s all about them, by taking as much stuff as possible from the relationship, and (usually) setting up new supply as soon as possible.
Most people are shocked by what the narcissist is capable of at the end of the relationship, and this is why you must prepare to detach from all of these tactics, and commit fully to yourself, and your healing recovery.
Please get very, VERY clear that none of this is about love – it’s about trying to hold onto your energy and get you to rehook for the selfish self-serving reason of an ego feed – nothing more and nothing less.
Number 6 – Visualisations and Affirmations
The following are a few handy tips to help you not give in to the urges of breaking No Contact.
There really is no substitute for deep inner healing (which I am going to talk about in a minute), but sometimes you can’t just immediately get to a Quanta Freedom Healing.
This is what I used to do in these times. I would imagine a big red cross, like a poison sign, when I would start thinking about breaking No Contact. This was like a warning to me to NOT proceed.
Absolutely it helped.
I also used to run an affirmation over and over in my head.
This was something like, “Melanie, I love you, I am here for you. You are doing a great job. I am here to love, hold and heal you, I am never leaving you again. Stop.”
I found that this would help reduce the panic, the emptiness, longing, anger and feelings of needing accountability, closure or resolution.
I highly suggest that you come up with some form of self-support that you can access as a tool out of your toolbox when in need.
Number 7 – Deep Inner Healing
Here it is, the last of my top 7 tips for sticking with No Contact. In my humble opinion this is by far the most important, as the follow on from stopping contact.
Deep inner healing is the most effective way to get out of the deep trauma that will surface when you go No Contact.
This may shock you – at the end of the relationship you’ll feel worse before you feel better.
When you pull away from the narcissist, you start to go through aftershock – meaning feeling the effects of the peptide addiction to the abuse.
You are literally going through a physiological addiction withdrawal to the narcissist.
It’s not true that you can just decide to be “done” and you will be “done”. Sometimes you will feel 100% sure that this is it, and at other times you will feel so tempted to break No Contact that you feel like a possessed addict trying to stop yourself going after another fix.
It’s a roller coaster ride.
Many people do slip up. It’s really common to break No Contact. I did it dozens of times before I created Quanta Freedom Healing. Breaking No Contact can feel like the most soul-sabotaging thing you’ve ever done. It’s akin to having given up cigarettes, alcohol, or drugs for weeks, months or even years, going through all that pain of withdrawal and then throwing it all out the window in a moment.
It feels like you failed. It feels like all your hard work and effort is down the drain.
But this is not the truth!
This following story may help you understand how to tackle breaking No Contact and stopping yourself breaking No Contact more effectively.
Just recently a beautiful member got in contact and expressed how NARP had been helping her to heal and how far she had come, and then she received contact from somebody who had run into her ex, he had told them how he was in a new relationship, and she felt so triggered and traumatised that she broke No Contact and contacted him.
The conversation she had with him was horrific. She felt retraumatized all over again, and back down in the dark depths of narcissistic abuse as badly as she had ever felt previously.
Understandably, she was beating herself up.
But I knew differently!
I instructed her to take what she was feeling to a NARP healing (I suggested the Source Healing and Resolution Module) and target the trauma in her body that was generating these shocking feelings of addiction and trauma. After the healing she felt incredible relief.
She felt cleaned out and clear of him again. Even more than ever. The painful belief, “The people I love leave me to die and replace me with somebody else” no longer had any energetic or emotional charge on it. It was gone. She had healed beyond it.
She easily went back to No Contact.
There are reasons for all of our triggers. It’s a trauma program in our body that hasn’t been healed to completion yet. Now that her vulnerable trauma program no longer existed, she literally felt like she could run into him and the new supply in town and feel nothing.
This example explains that when the trigger hits to break No Contact, if we turn inwards and address it, then that trigger can be completely dissolved away. Therefore, the urge to break No Contact is literally gone.
I discovered in my own healing journey, and with those thousands of other people in this community, the more that we do the deep inner work on the traumas that surface, the less and less susceptible we are to abusive people – not just the ones that we are trying to get free from – but also abusive people in the future.
In Conclusion
I really hope that this article has helped you, and given you your power and Soul back to stick to No Contact and not cave in!
It’s also my deepest wish that your recovery can be as powerful, supported and “clean” as possible, as a result of you taking back your Soul, sanity and life.
Please know that Modified Contact and Parallel Parenting may be necessary in regards to property and custody matters, yet so much of what is discussed here absolutely still applies.
Our wonderful Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program Community assists and supports all people detaching and healing from narcissistic abuse, no matter who the narcissist is (such as family member, spouse, lover, friend, boss etc.) and regardless of the circumstances or complications involved.
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