It’s such a happy day when you can say “No” confidently, or at least with a great deal less fear! I want to help you with that, which is why I have written this article about the 7 ways to say “No” to people who won’t respect your boundaries.
So many of us have struggled to say “No”. We may have been taught that it is disrespectful. That it’s much safer not to rock the boat. Or people may not love and approve of us if we don’t just say “Yes” to keep them happy.
I think it is very safe to say that those of us who have struggled with narcissistic abuse and had our boundaries smashed have found it difficult to define our own boundaries, implement them and make our limits stick. When we tried to set them, the pushback, friction and even downright abuse was so impactful that we just gave up.
As children it was extremely difficult to say “No”. Maybe love was withdrawn. Perhaps we were rejected. We quite possibly learnt that if we didn’t comply with what somebody else demanded, that the price to pay, including punishment, was just too great.
This is why we’ve needed to heal, recover and grow those previously invalidated, underdeveloped and abused parts up into being a healthy adult inside of ourselves, able to take care of ourselves.
I want you to start getting very clear about this – narcissistic people don’t respect boundaries. They ignore them, invalidate them or crash straight through them with force.
(The great news is you can STILL be safe and generate your own life, even when other people don’t respect them, because a boundary only needs you to GET it! Read on and you will understand).
Yet, it isn’t just narcissistic people who don’t respect our boundaries. It can be everyday people as well – simply because we are not setting them effectively. In the case of non-narcissistic people, if you learn how to lay boundaries without guilt and fear and in ways that are clear, calm and respectful, you will discover an incredible shift in your life.
You will learn that it is not up to other people to define your boundaries for you, be mind readers and know your limits. It’s immature of you to be annoyed at people “using you up” if you keep saying “Yes” when you really want to say “No”, or if you go all funky, and start justifying and whining or being passive aggressive, rather than just say it “how it is”.
(Please know as we go through this information together, this will become much clearer to you!)
When you learn how to say a “No” effectively and directly it will be so much easier for you to identify if people ARE narcissistic. You will recognise that they don’t have the resources or desire to honour you with respect. This helps you more easily identify who is or isn’t healthy enough to be in your life.
Let’s examine this as we go through our list of the seven ways to say “No” to people who won’t respect your boundaries.
Number one is about you understanding HOW To set the stage for your expressed boundary.
Number One – Stop Trying To Convince People
One of the greatest ways that you may be handing away power is if you are trying to justify your “No”.
Usually this happens because you feel guilty for saying “No”. Then you do a whole heap of explaining to somebody else so that they don’t think badly of you. Or maybe you are lecturing and prescribing to them as to why you shouldn’t even have to be in the position to say “No” (even though that is your job).
The Quantum Truth of life (so within, so without) is that other people respond to you aligned with how you are feeling about yourself. If you are NOT clear about your boundary, they are unlikely to understand it either.
This is appropriate because it’s your Soul lesson to generate your own life effectively, as an adult. Also, people who are apt to manipulate can take advantage of the situation. Any conversation that is not straight to the point grants them an ability to hook in, play with your emotions and throw you off your desired “No”.
It’s hugely important to honour what your Inner Being is telling you is “No” and then to lose the guilt of saying “No”.
And just stand in it.
My highest suggestion to you is if you know you can get all squirmy, funky and beat around the bush when you are trying to say “No”, then there are some very powerful Quanta Freedom Healings that you can do to get anchored in your firm “No”.
I’m going to give you one of these powerful healings here.
“I’m targeting the trauma in my body that is generating me feeling guilty, bad or wrong for saying “No” to somebody.”
When you have cleared all of the trauma with this (Module One or The Source Healing and Resolution Module of NARP are my go-to suggestions) you will find it so much easier to just say a clean, clear “No” that is much more easily and powerfully accepted.
Those of you who are ready for more advanced Empowered Boundary Trainings, I can’t recommend the Empowered Self Course enough for this – there are 3 entire specific Quanta Freedom Healing Modules on this to become a Boundary Beast!
Number Two – “I’m Sorry, I Have Other Commitments.”
Please understand this, if you say “Yes” to somebody when this can seriously impact on your time, energy and even the people and things in your life that are important for you to look after, then you are not granting a healthy service to anybody.
How many times have we all said “Yes” to something, when we really wanted to say “No”, and then we ended up resentful and created a really bad exchange of energy anyway?
If somebody asks you to do something, and it’s just not feeling healthy for you to say “Yes” then listen to your body. Understand this – if you honour the truth of your Soul, you honour everyone and the entire field of life in honourable ways. If you go against what your gut is telling you to do, then you and everyone else pay the price. You are introducing negative energy into a situation.
If you have other commitments, then be honest and you can say really nicely from the heart, “I am sorry, I have other commitments.” You may even say, if it feels healthy for you, “I can help you at this other day and time, if that could work.”
Or you could say, “Have you thought about so and so, maybe they might be free to help.”
When dealing with a narcissistic person who doesn’t respect this boundary, the response will be something like interrogation regarding what your commitment is. They may tell you that your commitment is nowhere near as important as what they want from you and so on and so forth.
Feel these responses in your body – they are violating, disrespectful and incredibly intrusive and uncaring about you and your time and needs.
Someone like this needs to go “bye, bye” from your life. Detach, heal, leave and move on – so that you CAN generate a life that is respectful and healthy.
Number Three – “I’m Not Comfortable With That.”
Maybe somebody is asking you to do something that is outside of your value structure. Maybe your agreement to this will leave you feeling violated, unsafe or even abused.
Rather than question or attack this person’s morals and behaviour for asking you to do such a thing, you can take your power back by clearly and calmly saying to them, “No. I’m not comfortable with that”.
If this person has a decent level of respect and care, then they really have no choice but to hear you. If this person really is self-absorbed and even narcissistic they may press you to try to find out (change your mind) regarding what you’re not comfortable about.
At this point, you can just stand in, “I don’t have to give you my reasons. I’m just telling you I’m not comfortable with it.”
Of course, a narcissistic person may become extremely challenging and even abusive, and then nothing else needs to be said. Anyone pushing you past this point and invalidating your feelings and what is or isn’t right for you, is drastically violating your boundaries and is not healthy enough to be in your life.
Please be very clear – if you continue on with this person then you are violating your own boundaries.
Number Four – “I Know You Are Capable Of This Yourself.”
There may be people in your life that you are saying “Yes” to, thinking that you’re helping them. Yet, by doing so you may be enabling them to stay stuck in the feelings and beliefs that they are incapable, incompetent and disempowered.
If they are draining your energy, time or resources, then to keep saying “Yes” means you are empowering them to continue abusing you.
(Module 6 of NARP is a powerful Module to clean up all of this stuff about being over-responsible for people who are not responsible for themselves.)
We can easily do this with our children, and even irresponsible (or narcissistic) adults in our life, who we may want to love us. Or, we may do this because we think that it’s just easier to sort out the messes or the problems for them.
But really, this is hurting them, as well as us.
A wonderful way to say “No” to someone we care about is encouraging them to feel good about doing it themselves. Tell them that we believe in them, and that they are capable, and that we know that they can shine, grow and achieve and become empowered as a result of working at being capable themselves.
If any adult tells you that you are selfish for not doing it for them, and uncaring and unloving, please know this person is using guilt and control to mine your resources and you are being parasitically mined for their benefit.
Time to grow yourself up to say, “No More!”
Number Five – “I Have Something Pressing Right Now That Requires My Attention.”
Even if this means you just need a night off to have a bath and relax, because you have had a tough week – this is true for you.
If you don’t look after you, you are not able to look after anybody. Relationships were never about martyrdom at your own cost.
Maybe you do have projects and things that are pressing, and urgent and you just can’t devote your time to what somebody else would like you to do right now.
If this is the case, would you be able to do it justice? Would this happen at your own cost?
If this is the case you can offer up an alternative time where you could grant a “Yes” and the energy and focus that it deserves.
If someone else doesn’t have the resources to respect your urgent need for something else, no matter who this person is, then you need to seriously question the validity of this relationship.
Number Six – “I’m Not Sure I’m The Right Person For That Job.”
Maybe you feel uncomfortable saying “Yes” because you don’t have a particular skill set. If you pretend that you can help, and you are out of your depth, then you could be doing more of a disservice, rather than assisting.
In such a case it is much more applicable to be honest about this and suggest they look up, or approach someone who does have the appropriate skill set.
Decent, non-narcissistic people, will appreciate your honesty!
Number Seven – “No” Means “No” – Actions Speak Louder Than Words
Sometimes, especially with narcissistic people, it doesn’t matter how you say “No”, they will disrespect and refuse to accept the boundary.
Let’s face it, with narcissistic people it is all about them. They don’t care about you, your needs, your stresses or your health and sanity. You are the mere object that they are using to serve their own needs (that truly is how it is)!
The ultimate “No” means “No More”.
It means I will no longer be around you suffering your lack of care, selfishness, disrespect and abuse.
The ultimate “No” needs no explanation, no words – only actions. People ask me all the time “Should I explain why I’m leaving, and why I can’t take it anymore?”
This is my take on this … Don’t do it. There is ZERO point! The narcissist doesn’t listen, doesn’t care and now has ammunition from you (words) to dice, splice, mince, twist and throw back in your face to try to re-hook you, devastate you and punish you, or lie to you to manipulate you again.
Ultimately your TRUE “No” to a narcissist means NO MORE! You refuse to be around to accept the treatment. You leave, or make them leave. You detach, separate and get on with your healing, your future and your expansion into the true Thriving of your True Self and True Life.
As I say at the end of my videos, “… there is nothing else to do.” What else can you do with someone who will NEVER be trained to treat you with respect in his or her lifetime?
In Conclusion
I hope that this has helped you greatly by offering some “No” tools for your tool kit. Understanding these helped me so much with boundaries.
Boundaries take practice, and require stepping up to the plate, feeling the fear and doing it anyway, but even more than this, it is about deeply healing the inner terrors we have always had about setting them … I call these the fear of C.R.A.P. – the Criticism, Rejection, Abandonment and Punishment for being ourselves.
You may have believed, “I just don’t want to hurt people’s feelings” but I promise you the real fear of setting boundaries is so much deeper than this – and healing these parts of ourselves is essential to have a wonderful Thriver Life.
Boundaries are everything – TRULY!
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