The Narcissist’s Christmas Tantrums – How To Keep The Peace During The Holidays

 It’s that time of year … Christmas … the time that many people love and narcissists love to hate.

Why?

Because family gatherings and celebrations are not ALL about them!

This is true for narcissistic love partners, spouses and family members. In a romantic sense, if you have moved beyond the idealised honeymoon phase, where the narcissist is making out that you are the best thing since sliced bread, then you will either know (or find out) exactly what I mean.

Today I want to share with you the three main ways that narcissists love to derail Christmas by destroying togetherness and sucking the joy out of proceedings. This is to help you get prepared if you are living with the hope that this year could be different, or if this is your first year dealing with the narcissist’s childish Christmas tantrums.

At the end of this article, I also want to help empower you with how to deal with this.

 

Christmas Tantrum Number 1 – Sabotage Strategies

Here is what the narcissist’s mission is … destroy your Christmas happiness. The reason is because your joy reminds the narcissist how disconnected he or she is from true connection with others.

The narcissist dreads other people getting attention from each other, and not being able to control the flow of energy that the narcissist needs to monopolise in order to feel significant, rather than defective. You getting energy from anywhere other than the narcissist, as far as he or she is concerned, is a crime punishable by purposefully hurting you.

This could be by not helping out with Christmas preparations and causing disruptions instead. Such as feigning getting sick, or purposefully dragging you into a created drama.

Maybe the narcissist will then blame and attack you for not including them in the preparations after repeatedly letting you down and fighting with you when you did want help.

Perhaps the narcissist screwed up what you asked them to do in such a way that you are almost convinced he or she messed up on purpose.

The narcissist is not beneath fighting with you and keeping you awake the night before, or exhausting you with arguments when you are trying to cook and prepare. There could be criticism regarding everything you do, such as the decorations, food preparation, the gifts you buy and the people you have coming over.

Narcissists are incredibly difficult to keep happy at the best of times, and when threatened with narcissistic injury and events where they may not be able to regulate narcissistic supply, the assaults are greatly amplified.

 

Christmas Tantrum Number 2 – Acting Out

It’s a very anxious time when you share Christmas day with a narcissistic participant, because all bets could be off. You may be nervously aware of their dark mood permeating the day in such a way that everyone can feel it. Perhaps their alcohol consumption becomes a major concern as you feel tension building.

Divide and conquer is one of the narcissist’s favourite Christmas tantrum games. Something like bringing up an old argument and reigniting it. Or divulging a family secret that will fracture relationships, or getting people or families pitted against each other.

Maybe the narcissist will discredit gifts or make disparaging comments about the food, or antagonise you to react, then switch the situation and make out that you are the abusive one. Humiliating you in front of everyone would be a hugely vindicating trophy for the narcissist to win.

Perhaps the narcissist in his or her quest to hang on to narcissistic supply will dominate proceedings, butt in on conversations, keep the attention coming back to them and not allow others to interact with each other. No one is allowed to feel appreciated or special other than the narcissist.

Naturally, the narcissist’s grandstanding makes Christmas awful for all concerned, as they feel their energy siphoned out simply for the narcissist’s own self-gratification.

 

Christmas Tantrum Number 3 – Disappearing

If the narcissist can’t control his or her narcissistic supply and can’t blow Christmas Day up and ruin it for everyone, then the only other option is to abandon the scene.

This is either done by stealth combined with absolute disrespect – I’ll slink away and not even bother to say good night or good bye to anyone, or is performed in a blaze of glory designed to hopefully mess up the rest of the day for everyone else.

This could be as unsettling as upturning a table, abusing someone, or even telling you in “private” (whilst all the guests are still there) that the relationship is finished.

I can’t tell you how many times narcissists dump their partners just before Christmas or on the day, all designed to punish them nastily.

Of course, this is earth-shattering if you have ever experienced this.

 

Dealing With A Narcissist At Christmas

It’s actually easier than you think, once you start getting empowered and know what to do.

First of all, I want to give every single one of you the total permission to NOT go to a family function if a narcissist is present and you don’t want to see them.

As Thrivers we must move into the space of honouring our own Soul, without guilt and fear of obligation. There are many beautiful NARP Thrivers who organise Christmases that are completely different from the norm, such as with like-minded friends, or even with themselves and their pets if necessary. The most important thing for you, and to model to your children is, “I will not allow abuse any longer.”

Believing you “have to go”, and “I have to do the right thing”, is the most hideously disempowering belief. NO! You are your own authority – no one else. It’s time we all grew up and stopped handing our power away to abusive others, or those who try to make us feel guilty.

(Sorry to be harsh – but I’m sick of pussy-footing around. These days I say it how it is!)

If you are attempting to co-parent with a narcissist after separating, I highly suggest NOT doing Christmas together with the narcissist and the children. Parallel parenting your Christmases by having them as separate events with your children is such a healthier option. (Please look up my resources regarding parallel parenting for more information.)

Here are your four options with abusive Christmas events:

1. Go and experience abuse.
2. Be determined to shift out your triggers (NARP is so powerful for this), ignore this person, don’t grant them any of your energy, and get on with your day, happiness and celebrations regardless of what they try to do or not do.
3. Lay boundaries with this person about what is or isn’t acceptable for you – and ask them to leave (if it’s your home) or leave yourself (if it’s not your home) if they act out, or … as stated before …
4. Boycott altogether.

Number 2, 3 or 4 are all great options. Number 1 isn’t.

Let’s say that you are still sharing a home with a narcissist and there is no way to cut them out of Christmas … the following is your Empowered Thriver Plan …

Don’t rely on them for anything. Don’t include this person, or try to get them to behave like a reasonable, functional, responsible adult and parent. Take your Soul and happiness and celebrations back for you and the children. Don’t trash this person to the children. They are smart, they see if for themselves.

Be determined to make this your best Christmas ever, regardless of any tantrum this person does or doesn’t try to pull. Have the guests backing you up (if possible) so that if the narcissist does try to pull a stunt, no one is going to feed them attention or get involved. The more people ignore these attempts, the less impact they will have.

Last but not least, I know many of you in this community feel like you have been scarred by past narcissistic tantrums and discards at Christmases and other significant dates, which may still haunt you.