Today I want to talk about invalidation and how it destroys relationships. This applies to intimate relationships and also is damaging for family members, friendships and in business associations.
Invalidation is one of the key weapons narcissistic people use to maintain significance and superiority over others.
What Is Invalidation?
Invalidation is dismissing someone else’s viewpoint. It is the message “You are not worth listening to.”
At the deepest levels of invalidation, which I will explain later in this article, the message being conveyed is “I don’t value you or care about your feelings.”
Invalidation can range from dismissive conversations to actual psychological abuse.
Today I want to explain the different levels of invalidation, why they are delivered by toxic people, the damage this does to you and how you can heal yourself from its effects.
Healthy Validation
Let’s be honest, not everyone is going to agree with you. You may have different viewpoints and passions to others, and someone may flat-out disagree with you.
Healthy people agree to disagree, yet invalidation is not about this in close relationships.
Let me explain.
People we love are united with us for a reason. We care for and value these people. We admire them and are grateful for them. Healthy people know that functional relationships include loving respect.
This means listening, being open to the other’s viewpoints, acknowledging their areas of strength, and allowing their input and collaboration. These are all healthy aspects of communication, teamwork, cooperation and unity consciousness.
Two heads are better than one and the best ideas come from TEAM – Together Everyone Achieves More.
Behind every great person are other incredible contributors – people to check in with, see things from different perspectives or validate a particular direction or decision. Or to share a brilliant idea, freely given, from which everyone benefits.
This level of unity consciousness is vital for trust, growth and maintaining intimacy, interest and passion for one another. These actions say, “I love you. I celebrate having you in my life. I want to share vital decisions and directions with you. I acknowledge you for this.”
The ability to validate others and be open to their perspectives comes from a sense of inner wholeness and true confidence from within. Healthy, powerful and effective leaders have this attribute – they know that connecting to others and their energy will grant more expansive love, success, prosperity and growth than would ever be achievable alone.
You can generate empowered, evolved connections with others without putting yourself at risk when you understand how to healthily communicate and lay boundaries.
Personal Invalidation
Toxic people do not want to incorporate you into their life with validation. There are many reasons for this.
Firstly, they need to uphold superiority in the relationship by never allowing you to be on the same level. This is ego driven; it comes from a false sense of control to cover up dire feelings of inferiority. Narcissistic insecurity manifests as domination and arrogance.
“My way is the ONLY way.”
It’s inflexible and rigid.
They will tell you to butt out and mind your own business. Point out all the reasons why your viewpoints and ideas are wrong.
Toxic people will argue their points as to why they don’t need your ideas and make you feel that you don’t know what you are talking about.
According to them, their situation and life don’t have anything to do with your experience, previous situations, or level of expertise.
The rebuttals can include criticism, disdain, contempt and sarcasm, such as “So you think you are perfect and have the solutions!” They will grandstand any of their previous ‘glory day’ accomplishments and why they have superior knowledge and much more understanding of the situation than you.
You have narcissistic ‘separation consciousness’ (one-upping) right there.
Toxic people are unwilling to listen to, adopt and incorporate your viewpoint. They are committed to shutting down your ideas and not making important decisions with you. They may act out their impetuous choices that violate you and mine your resources without even bothering to communicate. These could be grave decisions that threaten you not only emotionally, but also financially. They could bring breakdowns in many areas, such as within your family, job or community.
If you try to have a difficult or confronting conversation with toxic people, they may stonewall you by checking out of the communication. When you realise they are disengaged and are granting zero feedback, you may ask, “Are you going to comment about what I just suggested?”
They may say, “I’m listening,” but the reality of their arrogant answer is, “I am not going to give you the privilege of acknowledging what you just said.”
The full delusion of toxic invalidation is displayed when this person plays the victim, telling you why everything and everyone else is to blame whilst being completely non-accountable themselves.
If you try to offer solutions, you will be set upon. You will be told that you and your input are nothing more than unwanted trespassing in their life – regardless that your life is affected too. You will receive contempt, disdain, and even profoundly hurtful threats of abandonment or telling you how bad the relationship is with you.
This person feels no need to include you, communicate with you, level with you, be honest, face facts, course-correct, or do anything other than stay on their path of self-destruction. They are hurting you and punishing you for speaking up. Taking away your voice. Training you to be silent and accept this abusive version of them.
You also realise you have the absolute antithesis of a ‘partner’ on your hands. Your team mate connection with this person is completely invalidated. Not only are you alone, but this person is now putting your emotions and future at risk.
How can you feel safe?
You can’t.
At this level of breakdown and invalidation, especially if coupled with lies and deceit, you must acknowledge that the end is near.
What other choice do you have?
Soul Invalidation
This invalidation level is even more toxic and damaging than not allowing the teamwork and trust of your input.
A narcissistic person will commonly start this invalidation when you try to have a serious conversation with them about the way they are behaving. Even a casual conversation about something that the toxic person needs to do or something you are bringing to their attention, can trigger a deep narcissistic injury due to ‘any perceived criticism’.
Deep traumatic invalidation occurs when you are told your thoughts and feelings are wrong. “You should not feel that. You are too sensitive. That is not what is happening. These are all the reasons that a whole other reality is happening.”
This person will also give you a compendium of excuses and justifications – bringing in irrelevant examples such as how other people behave – to invalidate your experience and tell you why you have it wrong.
And how YOU are wrong for even bringing this up.
Naturally, your head starts spinning.
It doesn’t matter how often you explain WHY you feel this way. The toxic person refuses to acknowledge it. In shock and distress, you may lose your temper and stay awake all night, heartbroken, while this person sleeps soundly in the spare bedroom, happy to have gotten rid of you.
Traumatic invalidation includes gaslighting. Lying to you to skew your reality. Saying they never did that or said that. Or can’t remember saying it. Or you misheard it.
Even when you absolutely were 100% present and know the facts, narcissists continue to lie after being caught out and double down into even more lies. If you try to expose the lie by calling all present to a transparent meeting, the toxic person will refuse to participate, citing some ridiculous excuse.
The narcissist will never own up to their bad behaviour, take responsibility, apologise for it or make amends for it.
The dismissiveness is gut-wrenching. As is the refusal to speak and the cruel conditions they place on you as you try to communicate, such as “don’t raise your voice”, “don’t swear”, “speak to me with respect”. they will even blame you for the emotional reactions you are having from the soul violation of being emotionally thrown under a proverbial bus.
You are told that you that you are the abuser and the unhealthy person, after being manipulated and abused to your very core – and this is done in such insidious and deceptive ways that it puts your mental health at serious risk.
Under the cruelty of soul invalidation, you will become a much lesser version of yourself – you will get sick. The trauma bonds of such treatment are extreme. You will feel hugely addicted to trying to right the wrongs, expose the lies, and push to have your feelings and reality understood and validated.
You may lecture and prescribe ad nauseum repeatedly, trying to get this unwilling, sick, emotionally unavailable person to validate you. You try to force this person into acknowledging what they did and to make amends for the damage they caused you and probably others.
You are the only person trying to save the relationship, trying to move it towards repair, whilst this person arrogantly believes you will continue to endure their destructive treatment and must just settle for the way they behave.
They arrogantly, delusionally believe you will accept them as they are.
How can you when the messages of soul invalidation are clear?
“I don’t care about you,” “I do not value your feelings or you as a person,” “I don’t want to operate with you in truth, honesty and safety together,” “I would rather be ‘right’ than care about emotionally devastating you,” “I have neither the desire nor empathy to care about your emotional, mental and physical health or safety,” and, “I would rather disconnect and lose than be ‘wrong’.”
Soul invalidation destroys relationships. It shatters trust, connection and intimacy. Your relationship will deteriorate before actually separating. It will be impossible to be passionate and connected partners – at best, you will decline into being disconnected housemates.
Your self-esteem and self-value will be damaged significantly by invalidation, and eventually you will not feel safe to include this person in your life, emotions and bed.
There is only one course of action to take. Let go, heal and recover and seek people who are healthy and whole enough to authentically love you, appreciate and value you.
Validation, Communication And Intimacy
Real love includes showing respect and care by engaging in loving communication.
Being empathetic towards another means listening to and sharing feelings. Being honest with ourselves and our partners. Letting them in allows them to care for and support us and be a team member in times of stress.
Wise people know it’s easy for people to appear caring when everything is going well for them – but how do people operate in times of challenges and stress? Do they take responsibility for their part in these times? Do they look for how to grow, improve and step up their capacity and growth as human beings? Do they lean in kindly and include you? Or do they play the victim, start blaming everyone and everything, and shut you out and attack? Do they project, scapegoat, and blame you for their insecurities and failings, hurting and triggering you?
Can you be honest about your own feelings? Have you learned to hold, acknowledge, and deal with your emotional shortcomings?
Do the people you have close relationships with – such as intimate partners – share their true inner selves with you? Can they be vulnerable, honest, and connected by accepting your input and support? Do you have each other’s backs and hearts in times of challenges?
Toxic people are horrified at such a thought, believing that this is a weakness. Whereas it is the greatest strength and sign of a healthy self and character – as well as a powerful way to build attraction, passion, connection, trust, deep friendship and kindship and evolved soul mate relationships.
Defence, resistance, arrogance and superiority are signs of moral and character weaknesses, unhealed and unresolved insecure wounds and feelings.
Narcissistic people do not like to praise you – either in private or in front of others – as this, in their eyes, may raise your ‘superiority’ in ways that threaten them. Maybe you will think you are too good for them and leave them. Maybe you will start to feel good enough to see the truth about how insecure the narcissistic really feels about themselves.
They are horrified that you will work out the truth.
Alternatively, they may praise you to others behind your back. But even this is not about congratulating you, and is all about making others envy them for having you in their life.
Communication and intimacy include the personal validation of showing appreciation and giving compliments. Not just compliments about someone’s appearance, but compliments about their heart, their application, their talents and gifts. Letting this person know that you value them being in your life and are grateful that they add to your life in the ways that they do.
How To Deserve And Choose People Who Will Validate You
For someone to have the presence and development to validate you, they need to be able to validate themselves. Not in the superior, grandstanding, arrogant way that narcissist do, but rather in an honest and humble way; sharing feelings, what is going on with them and being able to ask for what they need.
Defences are not strength, these are deep rooted signs of insecurity and woundedness; a defensive person will self-abandon their own truth, character and integrity and will destroy yours as well.
How do you choose people whose inner being is healthy enough to value and validate your worth?
They take an interest in you. They ask questions because they are curious and want to learn about your desires and dreams. Rather than just talk about themselves, they are comfortable holding space for you and their own. They want to share the limelight with you, grow with you and co-create dreams with you.
How people handle conflict – meaning engaging in uncomfortable conversations – is also a strong indicator. The people with capacity to validate you are healthy enough to be accountable, honest, caring and sorry for hurting you or making a mistake. They can lean in when you ask for what you need. They also speak up about what they need. They communicate with you.
If you have suffered a relationship of soul invalidation, you will have sustained toxic abuse and damage. This causes post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), a diminished sense of self, self-esteem and self-worth.
You may be experiencing trauma bonding – a hideous condition characterised by constant rumination, obsession, feelings of helplessness, anger, injustice and sadness. You may still be in and out of the relationship or have become strong enough to know you will never return.
In Conclusion
I hope that this article has granted you clarity and the understanding of what has taken place with invalidation; how serious, unsafe and soul-destroying it is; and why it is time to pull and leave, when it is at such unworkable levels.
I also want you to know information is not transformation. Inner healing is the transformation necessary to heal you up, to break free from the trauma bonds, the feelings of inadequacy, being unlovable and unworthy of validation and love, and the fears of abandonment and loneliness.
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