Today I want to talk to you about finding your True Self after abuse. This is the person you wish to be – having the capacity to generate love, truth, great health, success and continual growth into more of yourself and your life.
This is important because you were not your Best Self in and after a toxic relationship. You became a much lesser version of your true Soul Potential.
Of course, that was not your fault. It stands to reason when you are on a battlefield, you aren’t going to be wellness, smiles and sweetness. When you are lied to, have reality twisted, get the rug pulled out from under you, and do not receive accountability or repair, your Inner Identity is drastically affected and you get sick – mentally, emotionally, spiritually and even physically.
The four pillars of your Inner Identity – ‘love’ (meaning the human connection to yourself and others), ‘approval’ (knowing your value in the world), ‘security’ (what your now and future will bring), and ‘survival’ (if you will be able to get through this and what is coming) – are all compromised.
Leaving you asking, “Who AM I?”
When thrust into survival, you have zero ability to love yourself, others, your life, or things that used to bring you passion, well-being and purpose. Additionally, there are multiple losses to come to terms with – your mental health and the lost ground you have suffered whilst in survival. This could be shattered relationships, inability to work or financial setbacks.
Probably the greatest mourning is the loss of who you thought this person was, and having to accept they are capable of such actions, lies, and lack of conscience and empathy that you didn’t believe was possible from someone you loved.
With all my heart, I want you to know that struggling with recovery, or never being the same again after an experience like this, does not have to be your life sentence.
There are definite steps that you can take to find your True Self after abuse. Today I want to address these with you.
Survival First
A metaphor for the journey from toxic relationships to your True Self is this…
Jumping off a burning, sinking ship onto a small life raft with whatever you can take with you. Everything you thought was ‘your life’ is with that ship. If you stay on the large boat, hanging onto dependencies, false potential, ‘stuff’ and the dream you thought was real, you are going to get burnt and drowned.
In a toxic relationship, by the time you are discarded or have to bring yourself to leave, things are in serious trouble. You’ve already done the rounds with the issues. You have spoken up and fought for yourself, and the relationship. Or maybe you acquiesced, did not have a voice and tried to ‘go along to get along’ and survive the toxic flareups, but nothing changed. Typically, you TRIED over and over again to make the relationship work with this person, and have sustained serious damage. You have Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Your nervous system is shot to pieces. Not only is the ship in bad shape, you are as well.
But you still have a True Self to salvage. The ship is a False Self reality – it’s not aligned in health or integrity. You are entering the lifeboat not because you want to, but because you have to. You are entering the lifeboat not because you don’t love this person, but because you have no choice other than to love yourself.
In the lifeboat on the open sea, it’s treacherous, you are terrified. You feel alone, in the dark and out in the cold. You believe there is an island somewhere that you could make it to, but you can’t see it yet. There is very little aboard the lifeboat, because so much of you got lost in that relationship – burned up, emptied out and even destroyed. Your heart is shattered, your mind is fried, your nervous system shot to pieces and your spirit deeply disturbed that your life ended up like this.
But you still have your Soul – the very essence of YOU – to protect, stand for, survive with, heal and eventually Thrive with.
In practical terms, getting to an island as fast as you can is important. This means finding somewhere to stay if you are leaving, and finding supportive people who can help you. Support is needed right now, and that can be difficult to reach out for and accept, especially when the narcissist has isolated you and made many believe that you are the crazy one.
You may be filled with shame and guilt about how sick you have become and the things you have said and done under the intense pressure of ongoing abuse.
I strongly suggest that the RIGHT support network is essential.
Many people make the mistake of going to victimised places and forums for support. I don’t recommend this at all. Sharing war stories is not what you need right now, such as “Well, you think that was bad? This is what happened to me!” You need HEALTHY people to support you, who not only empathise and validate what you went through, but who can help you heal for real as well.
Sadly, most people can’t fathom the devastating, mind-bending effects of narcissistic abuse, unless they have experienced it themselves – and if they have they are usually very toxically damaged and can’t help themselves get well, much less you.
You need people who know what it is like to be in that small lifeboat, who made it to the island and rebuilt with the right tools and processes. In fact, they built their own private resort on these islands – no matter what they originally had with them on their lifeboats!
As such, I would love to welcome you into our beautiful community where I am confident you will receive clarity and powerful answers as to what REALLY happened to you, and HOW to come out the other side of this, not just into a New Self, but your True Self – a greatly improved version of yourself, far superior to Who You Were Being before abuse – even if abuse is all that you have ever known.
To join our community, you can sign up to my FREE 16 Day Recovery Course. Or you can intensively heal for real with Lifetime Membership of the incredible Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program (NARP). To find out more just click on this link.
These powerful transformational resources will save you so much time, maybe even decades, trying to find your True Self after abuse.
Maybe, like my previous Self, you were used to doing everything alone. Maybe you have struggled to ask for support or are scared of being rejected or controlled if you accept it.
A powerful ‘accepting support’ mantra is:
“I open up to allow in the support, guidance and love that is my divine right to help me heal.”
If you are a NARP Gold member and are not visiting the NARP Community Forum to receive FREE, unlimited, lifetime access to support and solutions, then you can set this Goal in the Bonus Goal Setting Module:
“I release the need to do everything myself. I let people in to help, support, love and partner with me in the growth toward my True Self.”
This is a powerful life-changing shift for SO many people!
Keep clearing all resistances in your Being until you reach a 10/10 on this Goal.
If you are currently a NARP Silver Member and wish to have Forum access, please write to support@melanietoniaevans.com, and one of my lovely team members will help you to upgrade!
Emotions Next
What I find most challenging about helping people find their True Self after abuse, is helping them commit to healing from the inside out.
Meaning going within to heal, calm and put themselves back together rather than trying to get something outside to help this.
Which is like trying to fix a faulty car engine with the bonnet closed. Or stapling sandwiches onto your sweater to feel like you have eaten lunch.
Not only have we all been trained away from going within, but it is typical to obsess about everything outside ourselves when traumatised.
Have you ever had the experience of trying to put a piece of furniture together and getting triggered and frustrated with it? It doesn’t work, until you detach from the problem, calm yourself down on the inside, then read the instructions again.
This is a very simplified version of living life from the inside out. Nothing works in our life with untreated internal triggered trauma – it just gets worse. I don’t believe there is any place we get to see the devastating effects of this more than in and after narcissistic abuse.
There is no relief in obsessively thinking about the abuse and what they did, talking to them, trying to hold them accountable, being stressed and then re-traumatised by trying to deal with the heavy fallouts, losses and disasters that your life has become as a result of the break-up, and the lack of closure or peace afterwards.
Only you can heal these inner states. These feelings are in your body, and nothing outside of you will heal them – not even if you receive a genuine apology (which is extremely unlikely).
There is still the trauma of lost dreams, wasted opportunity, your blown-out nervous system, the fear of the future, the feelings of abandonment – and the list goes on and on. Plus, you have a break-up to get through with all the nasty fallout that is common from narcissists; plus a future to try to rebuild whilst you go through possible hoovering, threats, abuse by proxy, breadcrumbing and goodness knows what else. To complicate matters you may have kids and property involved.
In these extreme times, it stands to reason that EVERYTHING stands a much better chance with healthier, calmer and more stable emotions.
There is an old expression, “When you don’t have time to meditate, is the time you need to meditate the most.”
Mine is, “After narcissistic abuse, when you least want to meet your inner being to heal it, is the time that you need to do this the most.”
Otherwise, you will experience a terribly tough ride. The WORST cases of narcissistic abuse breakdowns we see in this community are people NOT working through their emotions.
Contrary to popular belief, turning inwards to meet and heal the Self is not a ‘horrible’ thing to do. When you dedicate yourself to it, it brings immediate relief, clarity and calm back into your life because it settles emotional dysreglation – the trauma in your Inner Being that is causing emotional agony – and the accompanying stinking thinking. If you address that internal trauma, then the obsessive panicked, shattering thoughts start to heal as well, because your brain follows your Inner Being.
Inner Being MUST come first. Trying to THINK, talk or research your way out of the pain equals losing every time because the internal trauma is NOT addressed.
My suggestion to you is meditation, breathwork, being in nature… anything that stops you thinking and takes you lovingly inside to yourself, to self-reflect, self-love, self-soothe and heal. You can’t shame and blame yourself into wellness – it only creates more trauma.
A powerful ‘turning inwards’ mantra is:
“It is safe for me to turn within. My Inner Being is waiting for my love, devotion and healing to become whole, safe and happy. This is my ultimate act of self-love and self-care .”
If you are a NARP member, set this Goal in the Bonus Goal Setting Module:
“I turn within with love, devotion and power to release my Inner Being from darkness and replace where those wounds were with Light. I am shifting more and more into my True Self.”
Growth Next
Time does not heal the wounds of narcissistic abuse victims. This is not a normal loss or grief – it has caused a disturbing infiltration, shock and distortion of your Inner Identity.
You can choose to go through something as horrific as toxic abuse, or you can grow through it.
The Thriver model of recovery here at MTE is about the latter.
I remember years ago, one of my NARP Members said, “Melanie, I was so upset when my counsellor said, ‘there was no reason you went through this. It could happen to anyone.’ But I wanted a REASON. Not to blame myself, but so there was something I could heal, develop or work towards – for what I went through to have MEANING. When I found you, I knew I had found what I was looking for.”
She’s right. If there is no meaning or growth for us, then we are helpless victims, with nothing we can do for ourselves to evolve and rise from this experience. There is also nothing we can heal to protect ourselves in the future.
Growth is all about moving into your True Self.
The Self who can dissolve the abuse symptoms, evolve, become whole, confident, set boundaries and arise as authentic and able to create much healthier, more prosperous partnerships with others and life.
Information is not transformation; transformation is the inner work. I, and many others here do this with NARP. Healing into your True Self is not a timeline, it’s an inner state. It’s determined by the composition of your Inner Being – primarily how much trauma you have let go of from within, and how much you are choosing, connecting to and growing into your Higher Self (which is your True Self).
I acknowledge the Thriver Model of ‘growth’ is not for everyone. For people who wish to remain victimised – blaming themselves and others for what happened in their life, and not wanting to self-reflect and do the inner work to heal – I respect that. I understand it because I was there for years. Yet it nearly killed me. If I had not chosen the Thriver Path of support, emotions first and growth, I would not be alive today, much less Thriving.
The growth path shifts you from victim to survivor to Thriver, emerging with more self-love, self-worth, confidence, capacity, greater boundary function, authenticity and power to create a spectacular life. Not despite what happened to you, but because of it.
You would never have needed to do this inner work without this time of personal catharsis.
‘Life can no longer go on as normal.’
A powerful ‘growth’ mantra is:
“All of my experiences are happening for me and not to me. I recognise that there is the gift of growth in every experience, and me accepting and taking on that growth delivers me to the life of my dreams.”
If you are a NARP member, set this Goal in the Bonus Goal Setting Module,
“I let go of my experiences that hurt, to receive the Light of growth and transformation and the deliverance of my True Self, which enters me and flows through me as me.”
Living Forward
As a Thriver – creating and carving out your True Self – you begin to realise your True Life is honesty, power and authenticity.
It’s the ability to become an adult in our own skin speaking the truth. Saying “No” when we mean no. Laying boundaries, having the difficult conversations, being vulnerable and real. Speaking up when necessary and making decisions that are in alignment with wholesome truth and care for ourselves, regardless of what other people are or aren’t doing.
The empowerment of your True Self coming on line can’t be faked. It won’t hold, be real, be respected or create real relationships when trying to ‘do these things’ from a wounded inner core.
This is why all of the steps previous to living forward are necessary, for it to have real results in your life.
I think the most beautiful aspect of Living Forward is being able to trust your intuition – your inner GPS – because of living in alignment with integrity. Rather than heeding the small, needy, traumatised voice which takes you into even more experiences that lead to more trauma.
This is Thriving: it is the way we were always supposed to live as our True Self – starting to be guided and expanded by our Higher Self alignments.
There is NO arriving. Our True Self IS this journey – with you always growing into MORE of this.
Make sense?
In Conclusion
I hope today’s article has simplified things for you.
I promise you with all of my heart that if you get these states RIGHT then all of the details start to look after themselves.
Because you are IN integrity.
You receive and follow guidance.
You can say “no” now.
The details – that our over-active minds want to work out NOW and persuade us is impossible – all start to unfold, healthily and organically, and your life will start to work.
That’s what happens as a True Self living a True Life. But you need to become – from the inside – the generative force of this.
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