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Kindness is one of the most important Buddhist teachings.
All religions teach it and say it’s the ultimate way to live.
It’s true. When I do acts of kindness, I feel happier and generally better.
Sometimes, however, it’s hard to be kind. When we’re dealing with frequent emotional roller coasters, being unthoughtful seems to take less effort. Our temporary rudeness is a knee-jerk reaction to challenging experiences in our daily life.
But it’s unsustainable in the long run. A lack of kindness slowly isolates us from the outer world, pushing us deeper into our self-constructed cocoon. Add to this the fact that someone might end up being hurt when we abandon kindness.
So how can we be kind to strangers and loved ones every single day?
We uncover the obstacles that hinder us:
1. Failing to honor our differences.
One of the main reasons we may not show kindness to someone is because they’re different from us. Unfortunately, our physical, cultural, religious, or mental differences may subconsciously push us to treat others like outsiders. We think that in order to be kind to someone we should share common interests. We are also unkind to those who are close to us. We may hurt a family member, a friend, or an intimate partner just because we know they’ll always be there and nothing could actually “hurt” them.
Ask yourself why the differences you see in other people drive you to become rude. Do their differences upset you? Do they trigger you? The answer may help you identify and manage your undesirable feelings and hidden traumas. When you rewrite your internal dialogue, you may be able to break the walls you have built around others (who are different than yourself) and understand that kindness knows no boundaries.
2. Our own suffering.
Another reason we may show unkindness is our own mindset. When we feel tired, sick, frustrated, upset, or down, we may not be aware that we become self-centered. Our own pain or irritability overshadows the presence and needs of others, and so we stop looking at others with empathetic eyes, believing that our pain is much greater than theirs.
How can we show kindness when we are the ones in need of it? To prevent our involuntary reactions from hurting others, it’s crucial to understand that our pain and problems are our responsibility. I know it’s hard to be kind when we’re in a miserable state or don’t feel like it, but we should learn to pause and notice when we’re about to be unkind to someone. Practice the saying “If you don’t have something nice to say, don’t say anything at all.”
3. The fear of getting hurt.
When we get hurt, we often become cautious around others. Not only do we keep them at arm’s length, we might also become rude or passive-agressive to protect ourselves. Although it’s an understandable coping mechanism, the only way we can open our hearts again is through kindness and compassion. Pema Chödrön says, “We can let the circumstances of our lives harden us so that we become increasingly resentful and afraid, or we can let them soften us and make us kinder and more open to what scares us. We always have this choice.”
Getting disappointed despite being nice can be disheartening. I know how frustrating and challenging it is to show kindness when our hearts have been broken too many times. Please recognize that fear is a valid and normal reaction, and the best way to deal with it is to start small. Be kind to yourself first then slowly extend that kindness to others. And remember that we may not be able to avoid getting hurt in life because this is the reality of being human, but we’re definitely able to draw boundaries, learn how to heal, and befriend our difficult emotions.
~
author: Elyane Youssef
Image: lizarusalskaya/Instagram
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