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This article is part of a series. Read part one here.
Sometimes I have ridiculously high expectations.
Not only do I ignore the dangers they might impose on my relationship, I also ignore the emotional gap they might create with my partner.
When he fails to meet them, I get upset. I question myself and the relationship. I have overwhelming doubts and think there’s a deeper issue at play.
The real issue, however, is not my partner—nor the relationship. The real issue lies deep within my mind.
I feel that my false assumptions constantly frustrate me, but I never allow them to penetrate the depth of my relationship. Instead of blindly jumping into the “blame and deny” game, I examine the source of my expectations.
In my previous article, I explain that, oftentimes, we are unreasonable. Our rigid ideas stop us from inspecting our real values and needs. They overshadow reality and destroy the connection we have with our partner.
What I do now in my relationship is act thoughtfully instead of impulsively. I ask myself what I expect to happen and if it contradicts my relationship’s values or my partner’s emotional capacity.
Now I think there are a few expectations that are irrational. That’s why I always remind myself to communicate my needs rather than bottle them up.
Here are five false assumptions that could sabotage our relationship:
1. Expecting our partner to guess our needs.
Expecting our partner to just know what we want, need, or feel is an unhealthy dynamic that could potentially lead to many fights. Our partner will never be able to understand our emotions and wants unless we clarify them clearly and openly. So be more open about your expectations and check in with your partner about whether or not they can meet them. We can always solve the issues that we discuss, but we can rarely solve the ones that are left unspoken.
2. Expecting them to keep us happy.
We enter relationships and marriages thinking that our partner should be able to keep us satisfied at all times. This is a misconception that often breaks long-term relationships and hurts partners who truly believe they did the best they could to keep their relationship from falling apart. The truth is happiness is an inner job, and if we can’t or don’t know how to be happy individually, we won’t be happy with someone else and, sadly, will blame them for our unhappiness or fluctuation of emotions.
3. Expecting them to prevent all fights.
People who think they can be in relationships without having any conflicts at all are setting themselves up for disappointment. The nature of all human relationships is extremely unpredictable—especially romantic relationships. Those of us who are in one need to accept the fact that love goes through various ups and downs, which are ultimately necessary for the growth of the relationship. Partners might not be able to fully understand themselves and each other unless they are ready to navigate the roller coaster of relationships.
4. Expecting them to be flawless.
Everybody would like to be in a relationship with someone who is “perfect,” but that’s impossible. There’s no such thing as a perfect partner. We need to accept our partner’s imperfections and only address the ones that could be detrimental to the continuity of the relationship. The key to accepting the flaws that irritate us is to accept our own first. If we do that, we naturally understand that all humans are flawed, and we don’t necessarily need to change them.
5. Expecting them to never change.
Humans are wired for change, and without change we can never succeed or evolve. Due to many external and internal factors, our partners might change in so many ways. Their personal growth shouldn’t push us away or turn us into control freaks. Instead of resisting their natural growth, we should embrace it and evolve with it without forcing them to remain static. A relationship that welcomes new experiences is bound to last.
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author: Elyane Youssef
Image: Jupilu/Pixabay
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