CoDA Weekly Reading

 

Gratitude

In celebration and honor of November the gratitude month for 12-Step Programs.

Before CoDA my life was lived in chaos, reactively bouncing from one disaster to another in surprising speed with shocking results. I was out of control. I came by my addictive personality honestly and set out to put my inheritance to its full use. One day returning from work, my late wife suggested I might benefit from CoDA. This was a suggestion she said she received about me from an AA hot line. Being the good codependent I am I immediately found coda.org, read the web site, located a nearby Saturday meeting and felt hope. Which is kind of surprising in hindsight since I was not aware at the time of feeling hopeless. My first face-to-face meeting was a positive experience as helpful as reading the CoDA Foundation documents on coda.org had been. I still attend that meeting. In time, I found a sponsor and began working the Twelve Steps. I overcame a fury against God, my parents and myself.

In time after many years of resistance I decided to turn my will and life over to the care of God as I understood God. My 4th Step was dark, deep and painful. Then my defects began to be taken away. I recall the relief and joy when anger was suddenly removed. My joy was short lived because I discovered fear and shame were hiding behind anger. I never experienced the sudden removal of a character defect again. A little over two years ago I joined a Step Study Group to work on helping the God of my understanding to take my fear. About six months in I discovered to my surprise my fear was gone. When it was taken, I do not know. Since its removal was not noticed, I had continued to use the language of fear only to discover I was left with normal worries.

The last decade of my life has been the best decade. I feel free, serene and at peace. This is a state I do not take for granted. My recovery feels fragile and requires constant vigil, acceptance and self-love with the grace of my loving God. I accept the pain I caused others and myself before my long hard fall and I understand without my long hard fall I would not have today’s recovery. I love the freedom and peace of recovery and will continue to work my program in gratitude.

Don B 
11.03.2016