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I believe that one of the biggest female identity crises happening right now is that women no longer know who they are outside of the performance labels slapped on their backs.
The mother.
The wife.
The good girl.
The homemaker.
The entrepreneur.
The peacekeeper.
The overachiever.
The one who holds it all together.
The problem solver.
We are all clinging to the performance of roles to avoid falling down the rabbit hole of pausing for a moment and asking ourselves:
Who am I, really? Beyond the labels.
Women are praised and held on a pedestal when they burn themselves out just to keep everything together. They say, “She’s so strong.” (Round of applause everyone.)
But we are walking through life as if under a spell, seeking emotional reward from fulfilling roles and responsibilities that often go completely against our own internal truth.
Well done for surviving on no sleep with your newborn whilst still managing to clean the house, cook for the family, do all the laundry, regulate everyone else emotionally, and silently cry in the bath without “burdening” anyone else with your feelings.
Bravo to you for being the perfect wife.
Sacrificing your own needs.
Keeping yourself slim and desirable.
Holding your tongue.
Smiling politely, like a scene from “The Stepford Wives.”
Because the alternative is eventually snapping, losing your sh*t, refusing to self-sacrifice any longer, and being labelled “crazy” as a result of it.
Yay, you did it! You managed to keep everything together for everybody else whilst your nervous system was completely fried.
Cortisol overload.
Anxiety.
Hair loss.
Emotional exhaustion.
Silent resentment.
Total disconnection from yourself.
But never mind any of that.
Look at how everyone admires your ability to suffer gracefully.
Look at how valuable you become when you abandon yourself.
Look at how celebrated women are for surviving lives that are slowly draining the life out of them.
Women being rewarded for self-destruction disguised as strength.
That is the female identity crisis.
I remember going to an International Women’s Day event. An event about supporting women. Championing women. The host asked us to turn and introduce ourselves to the person next to us and, honestly, that was not a good day for me.
I was navigating a relationship breakdown, completely burnt out, emotionally overwhelmed, struggling not to cry, and forcing myself to be there because I thought it would probably “be good for me.”
I could barely hold eye contact. Barely hold a conversation. I cried with my amazing friend on the train ride to the event.
So, when it was my turn to introduce myself, I did the only thing I had the energy left to do. I told the truth.
“Hi, I’m Leanne and I am completely overwhelmed, trying not to cry, navigating an absolute sh*t show, and trying to find myself again.”
I must admit, I felt like an A+ loser. Because once we did the uncomfortable intro to our neighbour, we all got to share what we learned about one another to the group.
And it went a bit like this:
This woman is a business owner.
This woman is a published author. Hay House nonetheless.
This woman has made $1 million in her business.
This woman is the top 1 percent within her industry.
It was all performance-based introductions. Like badges of honour.
And when you identify with a performance-based identity, you are building your identity on quicksand, because when that performance can no longer be achieved—who do you become?
When the wife gets divorced, who does she become then?
When the successful entrepreneur’s business fails, who does she become?
When the 1 million pound business owner destroys their nervous system through over achieving and ends up on bed rest, who runs her company?
And who does she become then?
The panic of losing your sense of self can push you into the most personally destructive behaviour.
You panic.
You disconnect from yourself.
You mentally push to find yourself again, oftentimes just attaching to another performance-based label instead.
If you have ever been solid in life and then suddenly something changes, and you feel like the rug has been well and truly pulled out from under your feet, then you will know the feeling I am about to describe.
The sinking feeling in the pit of your stomach.
The tightness across your chest.
The shallow breathing.
The clenched jaw.
The burning sensation across your forehead.
Waking up in the middle of the night gasping for air in a complete state of panic.
Your whole being desperately trying to get that identity label back.
Your entire nervous system panicking:
Who do I become now?
Because the unknown identity is something the mind knows absolutely nothing about yet, so it has no roadmap to psychologically guide you toward it.
You are literally standing in the void between who you were and who you are becoming.
Alone. Left to find yourself again in a sea of silence.
Here is an idea: maybe women were not meant to build their identity around performance, but around passion.
Maybe we were placed here to deeply tap into the things that expand our heart, make us feel light, joy-filled, and excited?
Maybe our identity is less about what we like and dislike, or emotional rewards, and entirely about who we become when we feel expansive.
I am someone who loves possibility.
I am someone who loves deep conversations.
I am someone who loves a slow pace, birds singing, and book reading in the sun.
I am someone who believes that I am limitless, life is limitless, possibilities are limitless.
I believe the more women reconnect with what genuinely lights them up outside of performance, the more they begin finding themselves again.
So, who are you underneath the labels?
~
An Elephant Classic for every woman who’s done being the “good girl”:
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