By C. Ara Campbell
Do you settle? Do you play small?
Do you get tired of having to repeat yourself or feel like you have to beg to be heard?
Do you feel there is no point in asking for assistance as it falls on deaf ears so you should just do it yourself? Do you accept a job less than well done? Are you tired of feeling bad because you need something? Do you give everyone around you everything that they demand of you? Are those around you there for you, or for what they can get from you?
Do you accept not being seen, heard, or appreciated?
Do you get tired of having to repeat yourself or feel like you have to beg to be heard?
Do you feel there is no point in asking for assistance as it falls on deaf ears so you should just do it yourself? Do you accept a job less than well done? Are you tired of feeling bad because you need something? Do you give everyone around you everything that they demand of you? Are those around you there for you, or for what they can get from you?
Do you accept not being seen, heard, or appreciated?
When was the last time that you were celebrated?!
First, let me tell you that you are not alone. This is something I have seen in the conversations and circles that I have talked in a lot: the societal disease of playing small and expecting less than we deserve.
There seems to be a perception of scarcity surrounding our own deserving, that there is not enough to go around so we should accept less than our fair share because we don’t deserve it as much as someone else. We become passive to our own needs, wants and desires, making them numb and moving them to the basement so we don’t have to see them. We swallow everything about ourselves.
The good news is, all of this is a huge spotlight and focus on something WE have the power to change. That’s right, we have the power to shift this.
Ready, set, CREATE!!
1) Self-love & self-worth.
Society teaches us that we need to bend and allow everyone to go in front of us, no matter the situation. While being kind and compassionate to others is one thing and something that we should all be conscious of, it’s a completely different story to trample on your own needs constantly for others.
And this can occur in a myriad of ways. Maybe you find yourself sacrificing for others, or shifting your own time to fit others needs better.
Primarily, stop waiting around to be embraced by everyone else and move in the direction of embracing yourself. YOU have to show yourself the worth and love that you wish others would show to you.
You are worthy. Your feelings are worthy. Your thoughts and ideas are worthy. Your needs are worthy.
When you start knowing that you are worth A++, solid gold everything (and I don’t mean simply in a monetary way but in an attention, energy, love, everything kind of way), you start to attract people into your experience who treat you the way you deserve to be treated.
What to do: Do what feeds your soul, build a life out of what you love, and surround yourself with messages, voices and inner thoughts that support that.
This is SO important. When we start to surround and build a world out of what we love and what feeds us, instead of holding onto what is starving us, we start to not only treat ourselves with the worth that we deserve but to move more in the direction of fueling all energy to align in that way.
When you come from a place of acknowledging your worth and giving yourself the world you deserve, those that fit that energy are matched with you. When you start to approach everything from the mindset “What would someone who loves themselves do in this situation”, you start to put yourself in a higher place of value in your world. Your self-love vibe attracts a loving tribe. So its win win.
2) Tap into what YOU really want.
Many times we are unable to vocalize what it is we want because truthfully we have no idea what it is. When we have no idea, we can get mixed up in situations that aren’t something we would usually be a part of, or something we aren’t wanting simply because we aren’t tapped enough into our own heart’s desires to tell the difference.
What to do: Ask yourself when things arise “Is this something that speaks to my heart? My soul? My passions? Is this something that sets me on fire or something I’m meh about?” Look at all the aspects of your life and start to see where things are in relation to being in alignment with what you want.
3) Acknowledge your needs.
Everyone has needs. There are those we share with others like shelter or food, and those that are more unique to us, like how often we like to be hugged, or how much personal space we require. ALLOW your needs.
YOU need to first be aware of what your needs are and then you will be in a place to be aware of the situations they aren’t being met in and why.
For example, if you are someone who needs a lot of physical contact, by repressing the need for that contact you can actually be bringing more people into your life that will mirror that to you. So by swallowing your needs and playing that small, people come at you mirroring a lack of what you really want. I know. Doesn’t seem fair. But we bring into our world what we emanate and if you’re telling yourself that you don’t deserve contact, guess who shows up? People who are more than willing to oblige.
What to do: Get clear on what you need without the guilt and shame that we place on things. Don’t try to dictate them into light or dark, allow them to be seen and witness them at their root. You don’t have to justify or give reasons for your needs.
No one questions the need for food or shelter, and in the same way your needs for love, for connection, and for whatever else you need are yours. Once you become aware of what it is that you truly need, this brings it more into focus and clarity and makes you more aware of it. From this place, we’re able to better bring it into our lives.
4) Tap into your feelings.
A powerful compass for us is how we are feeling in relation to situations and people. Our bodies are powerful instruments of wisdom and there is nothing that speaks volumes of information to us like our feelings.
What to do: Listen to how you feel. How do you feel when you allow more than you know you should? When you are treated less than you deserve to be? Hear your body responding to these situations and recognize them as SOS beacons that this isn’t the way that you should be treated.
5) Speak your truth even if your voice shakes.
When we know what we want and need, we can speak our truth. We may be in resistance when first speaking what it is we want, especially if we’ve been conditioned to keep what we want quiet and small.
What to do: One method that we can employ for getting into the habit of expressing our needs or feelings is to start by vocalizing aloud to ourselves, our plants, or our animals. Though it may seem silly, when we get into a place of allowing the flow, no matter who is hearing it, we get into the habit of being able to speak it more easily in any situation.
6) Boundaries.
When we know what we want and we acknowledge and know what our needs are, we can better set our boundaries. When you come to a place of being aware of your own desires, needs and beliefs, you are better able to set the boundaries that you need in order to affect any changes you wish to see.
What to do: For example, if you have deadlines that need to get done and your business partner is always late for work and meetings, not only is this going to frustrate you and throw you off of your game, which interrupts your work and deadlines, it shows a lack of respect on the side of the partner.
When you set your boundaries more clearly, you place yourself in an assertive position of being better heard. You can sit down and tell the other person that not keeping an agreed upon schedule is a lack of respect personally and to the development of the work.
7) Embracing the “Shadows”.
Shadows are not bad. Shadows tend to be the unrecognized aspects that we toss into the basement and don’t want to look at. They can rise in ways that manifest in our world and bring about a lot of sticky bits in our lives.
Do you play small because of your feelings of being unworthy? Do you settle for fear of abandonment by others and you are afraid to be alone? Do you ever have your insecurities used against you? Were you taught that your needs shouldn’t be met? Were you taught that everyone else should come first?
No one should use your shadows against you, most of all yourself. When I think of shadows, I always think of the journey of Inanna into the Underworld to meet her “dark” aspect Ereshkigal. It’s in this merging of all of her aspects that she becomes a truly powerful leader. To leave part of herself locked in the basement is to leave part of her wisdom, her power and brilliance shut away.
What to do: See all parts of yourself and know that they are all worthy. When we come from a place of acknowledgement and embracing acceptance of all part of ourselves, it empowers not diminishes us. When we allow that all parts of ourselves are not something to be hidden or afraid of, we start to come into a place of aligning them with the whole of who we are.
Come at things from a place of discovery and not from a place of judgement. Sometimes, depending on what we are meeting in the basement, we may need a second set of eyes. There is nothing wrong with speaking to someone about what is happening. In stepping forward we take the first movement towards our own wholeness.
8) Letting go of negative relationships.
Some people wont change. That’s fine, and it’s not your job to change them, but you can choose how they show up in your life. When you come to a place of resonating with what you are truly deserving of, you will better be able to release what doesn’t honour you from your life.
What to do: Sometimes you need to go on a spring clean of negative influences. You wouldn’t eat bad food from the fridge, so why consume unpleasant relationships? Whether it be social media contacts or people in your life that you need to step away from, when you realize your own self-worth what doesn’t resonate with that becomes pretty easy to spot.
♥
Bottom line: You shouldn’t have to flip your canoe any time you need to ask something of those around you and you shouldn’t have to swallow your needs. Whether it be your employee, your friends, or your lover, if you have to constantly keep repeating yourself, settling or allowing less than you deserve, this is a huge sign that it’s time to make some changes in order for you to get into alignment with what you are deserving.
Sometimes we need to let go of what is no longer serving us to make space for what truly resonates with us to come into our world. Sometimes its a belief, sometimes it’s a person, sometimes it’s a situation, but in the end, when we let go of what isn’t working we clear the way for what is to flow.
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