In CoDA meetings I found
that some people triggered a strong reaction of anxiety and fear and I could
not understand why.
After one meeting, I thought
about it and realised that there were people in my past that I needed to make
peace with, and that meant making peace with myself.
I wrote a letter, and found
that I could explain how I needed to forgive myself for my extreme codependency
and for giving over so much of myself, because I was afraid to trust my own
judgement and not brave enough to be an emotional adult. The damage in that
relationship seemed like yesterday; I could live it in technicolour and it was
more than a decade ago.
The person wrote back a
letter of complete acceptance, and explained the depth of loss of relationship
- for them. (They had been very seriously ill.) I was glad that I had written.
I realised how desperately I needed to make peace with myself and my emotional,
out-of-control child, and I was so grateful to the CoDA process.
Making amends begins with
making amends to myself.
Determining never again to
let the emotional, judging, angry, rejected child of my unforgiving heart rule
me. I can give myself permission to be mature, to reflect as an emotional
adult, and to see myself with the adult eyes that CoDA has given me.
I can love myself and forgive in all my parts and stages, and I can love another and forgive him or her for the disastrous results wreaked historically by my wounded spirit on us both.
The people who triggered me
were just a reflection of my house of cards that went back generationally to
grandparents, aunts, uncles, family of origin, and it will collapse
one card after another as I
have understanding of the rage of my grieving child, and let it go.
Making peace with myself and
you is growing up now - when I could not before.
Leaving behind the dread and
the wreckage of a child's mind and spirit.
Forgiving the child.
Maria S – 4/9/18
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