Breaking up with a narcissist can be one of the most devastating and traumatising times of your life.
So in today’s article, I want to explain to you what a narcissist does at the end of the relationship – and how that can affect you.
I really want you to be armed with this information so that you know how to emotionally and practically survive this difficult time.
Sense of Entitlement and Lack of Compassion or Consideration
What a narcissist does at the end of a relationship exposes their true colours – being a self-absorbed and entitled person who lacks empathy.
How does this translate in real terms?
You will be shocked at how this person will throw you metaphorically under a bus. They are not at all concerned about your welfare; how you will get through the breakup; or how you will move forward in the future.
If you haven’t already realised it, the narcissist’s thinking is: ‘It’s every person for themselves’. No-one is able to play that philosophy dirtier than a narcissist.
This ability comes with lacking a conscience and having the pathological entitlement to take whatever is not nailed down, literally.
When breaking up, so many people are shocked at how the split happened. Things like not being able to get back into their own home; how their possessions are taken away or hidden; how money goes missing from bank accounts; and the terrible lies that are spread about them to all and sundry.
These are things that normal humans, with a sense of humanity, just can’t do.
And they happen regardless of whether you are the one ending the relationship or the narcissist has discarded you.
To be forewarned is to be forearmed. If you suspect the end is coming with a narcissist, take the following necessary steps to protect yourself.
Leave when the narcissist is not around – take what is yours while you can still get at it. If you are leaving the house, know that you probably won’t be able to get back in – even if the house is in your name. So many people, myself included, were devastated to discover that the police just threw their hands up and said, ‘You need to see a solicitor because this is a civil manner.’
Many a narcissist knows this because it is not the first time they have played these games.
Seek legal advice as to where you stand in regard to your property, start creating your own bank account, and see a solicitor in private. Also, most importantly, don’t let people close to the narcissist in on your plans.
I’d like to grant you the link to this blog so that you have lots of resources to help you plan how to leave safely and healthily – Is there a right way to leave a narcissist?
Why the Narcissist Wants to Punish You
According to the narcissist, you are now a devalued, awful and horrible human being. This perception is regardless of whether you have left them or they have thrown you away (because you are too hard to extract supply from now, there is no more to take from you, or a more abundant source has turned up).
To a standard narcissist, life is either ‘black’ or ‘white’. You are either wonderful (supplying brilliant, idealised narcissistic supply), or you are a piece of dirt (you serve no purpose to them anymore) who needs to be discarded and treated like a piece of dirt.
(Some narcissists may be able to apply some shades of grey – but not many.)
It will be likely that you are classified and treated by the narcissist as a piece of dirt – and it doesn’t even matter whether you have had a life, family or allegiances with this person for the last 30 years or just months.
Narcissists will usually go after the money, property, businesses, pets and even the children. They know that the things and Beings that matter to you is where they can hurt you the most.
However, because narcissists have a disastrously unstable inner identity, all this nasty behaviour can change. Abhorring you can switch to adoring you on the turn of a dime.
This change often happens when the narcissist is low on narcissistic supply. But also it can happen when he or she has conjured up some sort of agenda to suck you back in to get your trust, before extracting something more from you and then pulling the rug out for under you again. This is known as hoovering, and it is a common and very serious threat when splitting up with a narcissist.
Of course, if you fall for it, as many of us have, you will only be brutalised further.
Switching the Truth of the Ending
Narcissists are great at conjuring their version of reality. If you leave a narcissist, they will tell you they were going to break up with you anyway. And to preserve their ego, they will tell other people they left you – that is unless there is wonderful narcissistic supply for them to glean as a result of telling people how horribly you left them. Generally, however, it is only the more covert-victim-type narcissist who plays this out.
Showing Off the New Supply
Narcissists are incredibly childish when it comes to new relationships. They idealise this person as the new source of narcissistic supply. In reality, however, this means the narcissist’s newest drug to take away the pain of the inner screaming demons.
There is one thing for certain – when a relationship ends, the narcissist starts scouting for a new source without delay. In fact, if they are the one who ended the relationship, they are likely to have been grooming someone even before the end came. It’s even common for narcissists to get engaged and married very quickly afterwards.
Usually, this new person is introduced to people immediately – even the narcissist’s children (who may have endured partner after partner) – and taken to major social events with friends, family and colleagues.
By comparison, normal, healthy adults usually take their time to get to know someone before introducing them to family and friends. They have more consideration for everyone concerned, including their new partner and themselves.
It’s also common for the narcissist to display photos on social media of how ‘loved up’ they are. ‘Instant relationship’ is the narcissist’s motto.
Narcissists can even be so cruel as to contact you and tell you how wonderful this new person in their life is. Who does that? Only someone with Narcissistic Personality Disorder could have such a lack of empathy.
What is this about? I have no doubt, in some cases, it is to punish the ex-partner. Or maybe it is to prove to the world ‘I am a great partner no matter what he or she says’. And, of course, it is because a narcissist without narcissistic supply has to be alone with their own self-annihilating critic – which is their worse possible nightmare.
Naturally, the trauma from being replaced with ‘new supply’ is devastating for you. It’s one of the worst things anyone can experience. It is usual for people, who have been narcissistically abused, to be no-where near starting another relationship. Before Thriver Healing, some people have been sworn off relationships for decades, as a result of the trauma that impacted them so badly.
Being Discarded Like You Don’t Exist
This can be as painful as being replaced.
But, before I get into the details, I just want to make one thing VERY clear. If you have gone No Contact with a narcissist (discarded and turned your back on them) because of abuse, pathological lies, adultery (and the list goes on), you have NOTHING to feel guilty about.
You know how you tried to converse, reason and deal with this person to NO avail – and truly you were never going to be able to reclaim your soul and your life unless you made this move.
There is a huge difference between someone who goes No Contact for these reasons and how a narcissist does it. With a narcissist it is often a brutal act as a result of, for example, them being caught out doing something horrific or as a response to you trying to assert boundaries and rights.
What marks a narcissist’s behaviour compared to yours is that there is no trying to reason, work with facts or be accountable for anything – it is just ‘switch and ditch’ – and of course it leaves you reeling.
How YOU Can Rise Like the Phoenix Out of the Ashes
Now let’s get very clear about something.
I’m passionate about YOU healing. And for that reason, I don’t want you to use this article as a ‘sharing of war stories’ about what happened at the end of your relationship. That is NOT my purpose.
This article, as all of mine are, is about healing towards true solutions rather than staying mired in the trauma. Moving forwards and away from narcissists can only happen by investigating and healing the screaming traumas that have been ignited within you.
This is the thing… All of us in narcissistic relationships were treading water. We were walking on broken glass, suffering unresolvable issues that just would not stop. We were constantly trying to survive our life with another person, who simply did not have the resources to be a sane and healthy partner.
This is what I know about your soul’s mission to evolve – if you are living in a Life that does not represent your True Self and True Life, then the heat gets turned up until you get booted out of it. It is irrelevant whether you chose to leave or were left. You were NOT living life as Who You Really Are.
After the end of your relationship, the recovery work is about confronting the things within you that HURT that are triggered off in order to cross your threshold into your True Self and True Life.
When you start Thriver Healing and go inside and start releasing your traumas and False Beliefs, you will find all sorts of survival fears, such as abandonment terrors and false beliefs that were causing you to try to seek your wholeness, love, and approval from another source.
How you find these, is simply by going to ‘what hurts’ inside you when the relationship ends; all of the heartbreak, fear, panic and associated traumas that have been activated.
It truly is a complete illusion, that by focusing on the narcissist and what they are or aren’t doing, that your salvation comes. It doesn’t; it’s only created by going inside yourself and doing the work there.
I promise you, with all of my heart, that the end of your narcissistic relationship is where your True Self and Life can finally begin.
And I want to hold your hand and help you get to exactly where I am now – thriving, self-generating, completely able to forge my own life regardless of what specific people are or aren’t doing – and living the joy of having Life itself back me up and support me endlessly.
This is what Thrivers experience and I KNOW it is what awaits you too.
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