CoDA Weekly Reading

Hi, my name is C.

I’m sorry to say that I am responsible for hurting a member of this group, and I am deeply sorry I did that. My behavior has caused damage to our relationship. It will probably take good deal of time before this person would see me as someone she can count on, and that is a loss I can’t recover.
In the past, I have been so sure of who I am, and who I am not. This assurance comes from my beliefs. I believe that if I say I am going to do something, then I need to follow through and do it. If I say I am going to be somewhere, then I need to make sure I am there. But what I believe is not the same as what I actually do. I have thought my believing in something was enough for me to be that. The program teaches me that what I believe and what I do is not who I am either, but it does not feel that way.

I'm carrying around this picture of myself in my head. What is confusing about this picture is that on the one hand, it holds that I am more than I actually am. Just because I am sure without a doubt that I am capable, smart, strong, loving, considerate of others, thoughtful, and kind, doesn’t mean I actually am. And simply believing it doesn’t make it so.

At the same time, the picture in my head also holds that I am so dull, so immature, so self-indulgent, so stinky and so ugly that I should never step out of my door for others to see or experience. Just because I believe these things about myself does not mean I actually am any of these things.

So I do my best to do the good things that I am actually not, and cover up the repulsive things—that I am also actually not—with cosmetics, outfits, and a self I present to others that denies my fears and inadequacies.

As I attempt to grasp this revelation—that I really have no idea who or what I actually am—I am confused about how to proceed, and I realize how much I need to ask God to lead and guide me.

This is really hard for me to do because so many parts of me do not believe God loves and cares about me. But if I neglect to do so, it's not that God will not punish me, it's just that I cannot be of any use to meet the plan in place for me. So I have come to realize I need to recite the CoDA Third Step Prayer:

God, I give to You all that I am and all that I
will be for Your healing and direction. Make new
this day as I release all my worries and fears,
knowing that You are by my side. Please help me to
open myself to Your love, to allow Your love to heal
my wounds, and to allow Your love to flow through
me and from me to those around me. May Your
will be done this day and always. Amen.

Saying this prayer in front of you today it not enough. I need to say it out loud every day. I need to say it out loud before I begin each morning, and before I make a single step towards meeting the day, because I am learning if I don’t, I take the risk of hurting myself and others.

Thank you for hearing my share.

C – 10/23/19