If you’ve ever thought, “I can’t keep this person in my life; they’re too good for me,” you’re not alone.
Frankly, it’s pretty sad that we typically think so little of ourselves, but it doesn’t change the reality.
I don’t remember thinking those exact words to myself in past relationships, but I reflected them in everything I did.
My feelings of inadequacy would scream through the “health kicks” I went on. My kale salads and 12-mile runs were my subconscious’ way of saying, “I think I need to be skinnier to make me worthy of your love.”
The sudden shame I felt around my lack of a “picture perfect” family—lack of a father figure—and intense urge to be manicured, effortlessly excellent in everything, was a blatant shout from my insecurities as well.
I could sit and list all of the ways that it was the ex’s fault—how they were the problem. I could tell others I was emotionally ground into dust and gaslighted until my soul was nothing, but here’s the kicker: I let it happen.
I let it happen because those feelings of not-enough-ness were already there. That dickhead from the past just happened to have some sh*tty manners—pushed all the right buttons to corrupt my hard drive.
I don’t think we should let people off the hook and blame ourselves for having our weakness taken advantage of. No. F*ck no.
But I do think we have to take a hard look at ourselves after these things happen—not pawn off the blame. We have to own our broken bits. Love them. Care for them.
And we have to get the eff away from the people who make us feel like we’re anything less than gold.
Here are four indicators of an unhealthy “love”:
>> If you start changing who you are to gain acceptance, that ain’t love, my friend.
>> If you start feeling guilty for speaking up, that ain’t love, my friend.
>> If you find yourself making excuses for a partner—building them into a fantasy while ignoring reality—that also ain’t love, my friend.
>> If you feel like you can’t show them the kooky world that is your family because you’re afraid of being judged, you’re probably right (and should walk away).
Did I walk away? Yes—but not at first.
It’s hard. So hard. Especially when you think you’re unworthy and this person you’ve somehow snatched is “too good” for you.
I don’t know if I’m necessarily qualified to offer advice on matters of the heart, but I’ve had mine squashed enough times to know this:
If you have to prove yourself, it’s no good. Real-ass, genuine love never makes you second-guess yourself. If you no longer love yourself when you’re with someone, they aren’t doing the main thing a partner should do—lifting you up.
And they deserve a flaming turd on their doorstep. (Just kidding—kind of.)
I wish I had listened when others around me said these things, but I wasn’t ready.
So, I guess I’m writing this for the girl from my past—the broken one. And for every other human who is going through the “fiery hellbroth” (as Anthony Bourdain would say) of love.
~
Here is a short video on why we keep falling for assholes (their title is much more eloquent, but I think my description is more fun). May it be of benefit:
AUTHOR: KATE FORCE
IMAGE: DAVID GOMES/PEXELS
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