‘CoDA has
Given Me a Space and Structure for Healing’
Growing up, I was rejected by my dad and enmeshed with my mom.
What that meant for me was that I was left with no sense of self. I had to do
exactly what my dad said or I would be shamed or punished, and I had to do
exactly what my mom said because if I didn't, she would abandon me, I would be
left with no one.
Until joining CoDA, I continued to look for what I should think,
feel, and do in others. I learned at an early age how to be an emotional,
mental, and verbal chameleon, because if I didn't feel and think how others
wanted me to, I would be abused, abandoned, or rejected. This manifested
through people pleasing and mirroring by ignoring any feelings or thoughts that
put me at odds with others.
Self-doubt became my reliable imaginary friend -- a long as I
kept disavowing my experiences, I could be aligned with my caregivers, and
therefore feel safe. As a consequence of this, I entered adulthood totally out
of touch with how I really felt or thought; I developed eating disorders and
addictions, and found myself in abusive relationships.
Thankfully, all of this began to change once I met my husband
and life partner. I was shocked that someone could just love me unconditionally
for who I am, and be so okay with me not thinking or feeling the same way as he
did. He helped me realize that it was safe to be me now -- that I could think
and feel whatever without explaining myself, and that it was okay to be
imperfect in what I do or say.
Through this relationship -- my first healthy relationship, I
began to realize that I actually had an intuition and sense of self, and how
these deep-rooted feelings inside of myself had been pushed down for so many
decades. Around this time, I began meeting with a wonderful therapist who has
helped me process my traumas and current struggles, while further affirming
that I could now be me, feel me, and think me without any dangerous or severe
consequence.
So, here I am, approaching my five-month mark in CoDA. Part of
my healing from codependency is not just continuing to say how I feel when
something doesn't feel right, but also continuing to make personal choices
without help or influence from others. Doing that allows me to practice
trusting in myself, my intuition, and my ability to think and feel on my own.
Even if my decisions lead to mistakes and failures, which are bound to happen,
self-trust is a crucial part of both my recovery from codependency and my
development of a stable sense of self. While at times, my fear and anxiety
still run rampant, joining CoDA has helped me realize that I'm not alone in my
pain. CoDA has given me a space and structure for healing, and that I am
forever grateful for.
Jules V. - Jan 13th, 2021
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