It is devastating when a narcissist abandons you without a second thought.
Absolutely, a narcissist has the capacity to throw you under a bus, leave and not look back, as if you were yesterday’s garbage that is worthless to them.
How can any human be capable of this? The truth is narcissists aren’t human, not as we know humanity to be.
I’m going to explain to you in more detail, within this article, why a narcissist is capable of this, whilst examining the five main reasons why a narcissist will abandon you without a second thought.
Number 1 – You Want Them To Do Something For You
Being with a narcissist is like suffering death by a thousand cuts. Leading up to totally horrific abandonments, the narcissist abandons you in more subtle ways along the way.
Before you understand what is really going on with a narcissist, you may notice that he or she “goes missing” when you want something done. Or puts it off. Or makes excuses, or gets involved with something else – anything other than what you really wanted him or her to do for you.
Or perhaps the narcissist will perform this task for you in a careless way, they get the instructions totally wrong, or it’s such a terrible job that you end up having to mop up afterwards.
It’s maddening. It’s also incredibly disastrous if you were counting on this person for something.
What’s more, you start to realise the narcissist is self-absorbed; it’s about what he or she is doing and getting rather than playing “team” with you.
The truth is, he or she has no concept or desire to conceptualise what you may need from them. The narcissist doesn’t listen, doesn’t deliver in a timely manner, and then gets angry with you when you bring up how careless, sloppy or uncooperative they acted.
Comments such as, “Just because I didn’t do it when YOU wanted it to be done!” are common.
The truth is the narcissist’s False Self believes this, “It’s me that gets SERVED. How dare you WANT something from me!”
Please, please know this (important warning) – when dealing with narcissists in the early days he or she may do EVERYTHING for you!
This is why it’s important regarding ANY relationship in your life, whether it be romantic, a friendship, with a neighbour or with work contacts etc., take your time to get to know people before letting them into your home, life, bed, body or Soul. See how other people are treated by them on a regular basis.
If you look and take notice you will see what their level of care for others is, regardless of what act they put on with you!
Number 2 – When You Are Suffering Disappointment, Illness Or Loss
This next way a narcissist can abandon you is devastating.
Life has its ups and down, and absolutely REAL care and love is for better or for worse. Narcissists are the ultimate “fair weather” people. They are only nice when they are getting what they want (and even then, it doesn’t last long because the False Self is never durably appeased).
One of the most triggering and angering things for a narcissist is YOU needing attention from them, or their energy.
So many of us experienced the absolute horror of a narcissist “kicking you when you are down”. I remember some of the most abusive times in my narcissistic relationship was when I suffered something painful in my life, such as when a beloved cat got run over, and other times when I went to him for understanding and support.
Not only was I emotionally abandoned, I was also set upon – punished in verbal and emotional ways that left me reeling.
In this wonderful Thriver Community, I have heard, over the last ten plus years, the horrifying stories of narcissists abandoning people in their life who suffered deaths of friends or family, or who had serious illness diagnoses or complications, and absolutely when people experienced breakdowns (usually as per the narcissist’s abuse).
Heartbreaking stories, where we the people, can’t even begin to understand how you could abandon a “so-called loved one” in such a dire time of need. Yet narcissists do it over and over again.
There are a variety of reasons for this. Firstly, the narcissist “does” relationships to take narcissistic supply, the emotional energy that feeds the False Self (which can’t generate its own energy) to validate that the narcissist is significant and actually exists.
If a narcissist has to give out the precious energy and resources that always need topping up, he or she starts to slide into a serious depression, whereby the inner wounds that are being self-medicated away by a continuously fed ego, start to engulf the narcissist.
The False Self is furious about anyone taking away their precious energy. If your situation means that family and friends have been showing you attention, empathy and care – rather than the narcissist being able to make life with these people all about themselves – this makes the narcissist even more furious and deranged.
The narcissist will need to punish you, which is emotional abandonment by being nasty, or will actually leave, possibly for good. Especially if your situation would mean their long-term care and support.
Please note – there is a specific narcissist where this can differ. The Altruistic Narcissist may actually care for you in spades when you are down and out, but there is a very sinister agenda attached, this – “After what I did for you, now you OWE me.”
If this has been your situation then I highly recommend, if you haven’t already, to check out my article about Altruistic Narcissists here: Is The Narcissist Capable Of Loving?
Number 3 – You Want Accountability Or Answers
The narcissistic False Self is above reproach. If the narcissist even suspects that you are questioning them, their easily triggered defence mechanisms come up like hackles.
Sooner or later, you will be questioning the narcissist and saying something about their behaviour, because they don’t have the level of conscience or a consciousness to even understand what other people’s comfort, care, freedom safety or need levels are – it’s all about the narcissist. You will see this when the “nice” façade, the mask, starts to slip.
Bringing up matters to the narcissists means you will start having circular arguments where you feel like your head is spinning. The narcissist is not interested in your concerns or feelings. You are cruelly invalidated.
This is dire emotional abandonment when you are told you have it wrong, your feelings are unimportant, and when the damage the narcissist has created is spun back on you, even in completely illogical ways, to where now all of a sudden, you’re the one at fault.
It’s usual for you to get intensely triggered because you just can’t hold it together with all of the terrified, invalidated and unjust emotions that you are feeling.
This is when many narcissists will abandon you by walking out the door, leaving you highly traumatised. They don’t care.
To the narcissist it is like, “You deserve everything you get for challenging me in the first place.”
Number 4 – After You Have Been Emptied Out
Narcissists are parasitical entities. The False Self is like a black hole that gobbles up celestial matter, which is never to be seen again. Yet, despite this, the black hole never becomes “light”, it just keeps sucking energy into its deep dark void.
Many a person, as a result of a narcissist, has been emptied out all the way to their demise. It happened to many of us – losing everything – property, finances, businesses, family, friends, reputation, associates and then of course finally your sanity and almost your life.
When you are broken and emptied out and there is no more left to take from you, narcissists move on. They have to leave. They need a new source of supply, just like the black hole needs more celestial bodies to keep feeding it.
Heartbreakingly I know of people who hung on, hoping beyond hope that the narcissist would FINALLY start caring and stop doing the terrible things they did to them and love them instead.
Narcissists don’t snap out of it, rather, I have heard stories of narcissists being on dating apps whilst their spouse was in palliative care. Or moving with the kids straight into a home with the new supply, whilst the previous partner and other parent is committed to a mental institution.
If this doesn’t allow us to understand that we are only mere objects to a narcissist – then I really don’t think anything else can.
To narcissists, people, no matter what their capacity, are mere props. Objects to be used to procure narcissistic supply – energy, resources, attention, sex, contacts, acclaim (whatever it is). When that is no longer possible, the narcissist can dump a person, (even an entire family and life) and move on as an actor would walk off one movie set, to begin their career on the next one.
Number 5 – When You Have Woken Up To Who They Are
This last of the five ways a narcissist can abandon you without a second thought, is how you can END this in your power, and even with great advantage to yourself at the end.
If you have committed to your Inner Work to heal to take back your Soul, sanity and Life Force, then you know who the narcissist is.
The curtain has been pulled back from the little man (or woman) hiding behind it, and you know this person is not powerful and has been merely attacking you with the unhealed parts of you, that you are now taking full responsibility to meet and heal.
You are no longer buying into the nasty behaviour. You now know your values and truths. You are no longer hooked in, and you are taking empowered calm and clear actions to regain and take back control of your life.
Feeling this shift from having you on the ropes – where the narcissist could mess with you – to not having the upper hand anymore … the narcissist will test you to see if they can still infiltrate your boundaries.
They may try threats, hoovering, threatening new supply, or trying to appeal to your compassionate side (or whatever tactic they used to do to hook you).
If they discover that you are serious, sealed up, not falling for it and they start to realise you are not responding, and moving on with your new life – then he or she may try the ultimate sob story apology and promise reform.
Of course, this is also faux. And, my greatest suggestion is to KEEP healing! If you don’t give in, THEN the narcissist knows there are no more moves left on the chess table.
Firmly know this, a narcissist, like any predator, has to get a feed that exceeds the energy expended trying to get it. Otherwise, the hunter is finished.
Now the narcissist needs to go. And I really mean this. For them to stay in your presence connected to you and your life in any way, when they can no longer hook you, affect you, siphon out narcissistic supply and have you handing it over, is the ultimate insult to a narcissist.
They have to GO to where they can be a narcissist, suck emotional energy and resources from people, and know their own significance as a result of being able to affect people intensely.
I can’t tell you how many people in this wonderful community as a result of working with NARP, healing their internal triggers and getting support from our incredible NARP community (which in my humble opinion is the most successful Thriving After Narcissistic Abuse Community in the world) have experienced narcissists capitulating – handing over healthy settlements, custody arrangements and stopping their rubbish … because of exactly this fifth point.
In Conclusion
Please know TRUE recovery from narcissistic abuse is a spiritual battle between good and evil, namely light and dark. It’s a battle for your psyche and Soul, and when you succeed on that level, then you start to get the win on every level.
Please know the result of calling out a narcissist – without doing the Quantum inner healing recovery work – is that you will feel triggered and still hooked in.
That’s why the right recovery work is so helpful to be able to get up and out of this, with the best results, power and forward progression possible – with the least amount of fallout.
I can’t recommend NARP enough to help you move on from the shocking abandonments of narcissistic abuse, as well as healing your abandonment fears and programs to full completion – just as I successfully did mine!
I really hope that this article has helped you, and I’m looking forward to hearing from you below.
Did you suffer these abandonments? Are you still going through them?
Have I given you some hope that you too can get through this and come out the other side, more empowered than ever and free of narcissistic abuse?
Have you already achieved this and feel like you are Thriving?
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