4 Reasons Why You Missed The Red Flags

 I want you to know that we ALL missed the red flags! So please don’t beat yourself up!

Narcissists don’t walk into your life with a sign on their forehead saying, “Beware, I am a narcissist!” In fact, it is the exact opposite.

Because you missed the red flags, it doesn’t mean that you have to in the future. It is so not true that anyone can get taken in by a narcissist.

This is what our healing and development is all about, to make sure that in the future we can trust ourselves, be powerful in our own bodies and in our lives and know that we can go forward without being taken down by a narcissist.

And, just as importantly, not live in the fear of it EVER happening to you again.

This is why today’s article is very important. It is to help you mindfully reach a truthful self-analysis to know what unconsciously led you into the trap, and know how to heal and grow beyond this.

Let’s check out the 4 reasons why you missed the red flags, and please stay with me to the end of this article to learn how to never make these crucial and devastating mistakes again.

 

Number 1 – Being Susceptible To Charm And Love Bombing

Narcissists are usually very skilled at appearing anything but a narcissist. This person will seem friendly, confident, kind, compassionate and interested in you.

These are powerful combinations, especially when the “cherry on the top” is this person sizing you up and working out very quickly what makes you tick and what you need to hear. This person will pretend to have the assets you are looking for, as an “addition” to your life – such as monogamy, validation, “seeing” you, being helpful, capable, caring and kind – or having a specific skill set that you don’t have yourself, but feel that you need in your private or public life.

With such a powerful veneer of “wonderful assets” you aren’t listening to the little “off” niggles of “too good to be true” that you are feeling inside. You will justify away any strange comments, or self-proclaimed accolades that seem a little haughty, farfetched or even arrogant.

And … here is the big issue – you don’t want to ruin the idea of “this is EXACTLY the person I’ve been waiting for!” You don’t want to scratch under the surface to investigate, check out these credentials thoroughly or do your due diligence before you let this person in.

Now let’s go deeper into WHY you are going along with this, instead of looking out for yourself.

 

Number 2 – Not Knowing Yet That You Are Your Own Source

I really, really want you to know that after my own personal experience and that of having helped people disentangle and survive then Thrive after narcissistic abuse for over 10 years, I do know this – most of us KNEW deep down that there were things that were off and that there were red flags.

This part that I am about to explain is important – I believe that we live in a conscious and benevolent Universe, with a protective, loving Creator – and we ARE granted the information to look deeper, to be more mindful and to investigate to find the truth.

This was absolutely my case. People around both narcissists said things that were stark warnings about these people. There were lies that didn’t check out to be accurate. There were behaviours, words and even the narcissists themselves warning me with their little narcissistic calling cards such as, “If you only knew what goes on in my head you wouldn’t want to be me” and “If people hurt me I can’t help but destroy them” and of course the way they talked about their exes which was appalling.

I chose to dismiss other people’s versions of these individuals. I told myself I imagined that things were wrong, but surely all the “wonderful” behaviours meant there wasn’t anything to worry about, and as for the little “calling cards” dropped, I imagined that they were joking or exaggerating a little for effect.

The big question here is, “Why did I do this?”

Because I, as yet, didn’t believe my life could be great without these people. I didn’t think I would have another opportunity to do any better than them. I thought, “people who are compatible with me don’t come along often.” This was my Achilles heel – not knowing that I was the generative Source of my own experience, that nothing and no one outside of me is – ONLY I AM.

My frailty was in still doing life from “the outside in” (believing other people gave me myself) rather than doing life from “the inside out” understanding my beliefs, inner development, convictions, and decisions to honour and align with my own worth to finally deliver that and who WAS aligned with my true values.

 

Number 3 – Cognitive Dissonance

To me the true meaning of Cognitive Dissonance is that you are making up stories to logically convince yourself of a reality that is totally in opposition to what your emotional True Self is telling you.

Then, of course, you are painfully living outside of your truth.

When the red flags are glaringly obvious and you are still ignoring them – it is only possible to do if you are living in cognitive dissonance.

Please know this – tyranny can never survive or operate in an environment of truth.

If someone is abusing you, mining you and destroying you emotionally, mentally, physically, spiritually and/or financially and you are still participating with this person or system, then you have to be lying to yourself. This is an attempt to maintain “something” rather than valuing your Soul, which is screaming at you the truth of the assault that is taking place on you.

This is normal – we all did it.

My cognitive dissonances went like this –

“I finally have the life I want (husband, lovely home, dream future) this is worth fixing and saving.”

“I’ll lose everything if we split up.”

“His issues are because of his childhood and I have empathy for that.”

“I don’t want the shame of yet another failed relationship.”

“Marriage has to be forever.”

“I’m too old to rebuild my life.” (And much more …)

In cognitive dissonance you will ignore the truth, and even fight to deny it and stay stubbornly clinging to your version of things that are NOT the truth.

You may even attack other people who threaten your fragile version of the reality or justifications that you are trying to convince yourself of.

Why, because the truth is TOO shocking initially to accept.

The question is, “How BAD do things have to get before you will ACCEPT that the red flags are shocking, and that your VERY Soul, which is worth so MUCH more than the bricks and mortar, lifestyle or ideals, is seriously under threat?”

 

Number 4 – Trauma Bonding

There are very, very powerful emotional and psychic binds that happen with narcissists. Ridiculously so.

Let me explain WHY this is.

Narcissists are a spiritual phenomenon; they are a Soul lesson of the highest order entering our life to reflect back to us all the unhealed parts of ourselves that get smashed up to the surface. These are our unhealed parts which were once unconscious. Now, via a narcissist, we can finally be aware of them and heal them.

Narcissists are nemeses. They are not lukewarm relationships; they are impactful and excruciatingly emotionally intense. Why is this the case? Because if they were just “ho-hum” connections, they would not generate the powerful awakening via cataclysmic breakdowns in our life that required our self-healing attention.

What exactly is trauma bonding and why does it make us overlook and miss the red flags?

Trauma bonding is very specific – whatever unhealed traumas we have inside us regarding our Love / Relationship Code are exactly the people and situations we seek out, are attracted to, attractive to and make excuses for.

So, for example if your traumatic beliefs are, “People I love abandon / invalidate / replace / cheat on / betray / destroy me” as a result of your childhood and previous relationship traumas, and these things are still actively painful inside of you, then this is the trajectory you will be on, regardless of what you try to think.

Of course, logically you would never choose these people, yet subconsciously you are powerfully doing exactly that. When you connect with a person who matches your painful Love Code it feels familiar. Even more than familiarity, it feels like the right fit. It can even feel like they are your “one and only” and the person “you have been waiting for all of your life.”

These are extremely powerful bonding chemicals which lead you to be in utter anguish, when a relationship deteriorates (as it does with narcissists) into utter abuse, because you can’t seem to get it through your head to leave this person and stay away no matter how badly they treat you.

The issue is it is your BEING (inside your cellular body) where these powerful programs are going on – hence why you can’t get it “through your head”.

In trauma bonding, your body controls your head. Your head is following the programs of your body. This is why you are not “seeing” the red flags at the start. Then, when they become a little more obvious, you will second guess, doubt yourself and even explain them away to yourself.

The red flags are not in agreement with the narrative of the internal program which is urging you forward subconsciously to be with such a person, enmesh with them and then try to make them different in order to stop hurting you.

Of course, this doesn’t work – hence why we have to look at the solutions to all of this in a deeper way.

 

How To Never Miss The Red Flags Again

I hope you have realised now that the main reasons we missed the red flags are due to:

• Not listening to and backing our intuition
• Fear of “I can’t have this opportunity again” and “I need this person”
• Making excuses due to losses if we did break away from this person, and
• Unresolved, unhealed trauma bonds causing us to connect – despite warning signs.

Really what this all boils down to is the taking back of our Inner Being, emotional solidness, knowing of our own worth and power. Then you can be sane, clear and deliberate in your choices – regardless of the glitz and glamour that may be presented.

This takes development and inner healing and consciousness.

It means having the ability to take our time with people, have the serious (and hard) conversations and ask for verification, whilst taking the time and space to ascertain people – especially if they are trying to push for a fast connection.

It’s also vital to know that if information comes your way. INVESTIGATE it! Stop demonizing, pushing away and not looking into alternate views that may shatter how you “would like things to be.”

If you were in a building and got a call about a bomb, would you take it seriously or just determine it was a hoax because you couldn’t be bothered looking into it, didn’t want to believe it was, or thought that the caller must be a crackpot?

It may be nothing, but if you don’t heed the warning and take precautions until you have the truth, you could get blown sky high!

And … ultimately it means that we need to learn, walk and stand in the word “NO”! Such as –

“No, I’m not comfortable with that.”

“No, I will take my time to ascertain you and what you offer.”

“No, this isn’t healthy enough for me.”

“No, you aren’t a match for my values and truth.”

Of course, this takes knowing yourself, and knowing your deservedness to receive what and who is healthy for you – as well as believing that aligning with this, means this truth does exist for you.

Are you able to generate your truth from your choices – or are your still broken and needy and just hope for the best, as a result of choosing instant gratification?

Thank goodness I am now the former, but I was definitely the latter until I did the Thriver Inner work, to not just change these painful patterns, but also deeply understand them to help guide other people out of them as well.