Wow! I love this topic … because it is so … well … interesting.
Maybe like me, you used to believe that narcissists have big egos, meaning … that they are confident.
Certainly, with many narcissists it would appear that they are incredibly confident, because they have big personalities, are strong, sure of themselves, compelling, hysterically funny, and the life of the party (the overt more typical ones anyway).
Today I want to let you in on the truth and the very fascinating “thing” about narcissistic egos.
Please follow along!
Scrutinizing The Belief That Ego = Confidence
Those of you familiar with my work, know I don’t take the contemporary psychological route. I love to think of this Community as immersing into Soul psychology, and thank you for being a fellow traveller and going into these deeper realms with me!
Okay, I’m just going to give it to you straight – I don’t believe for one millisecond that ego equals confidence.
In fact, I firmly believe that many people who laugh the loudest, take centre stage and engage the most with other people are often insecure. They are overcompensating. It’s usually a cover for not feeling confident in their own skin.
This is really about a “need” to be seen, admired and accepted. Generally, because this person is struggling to accept and feel at peace within themselves.
Confidence doesn’t need to “parade”. It just is.
This is not to say that someone being strong, sure of themselves, animated, funny and engaging is always “covering up” how they really feel, but I would say that someone trying to always operate like this, rather than being happy to sit back observe and be quiet at times (especially if they can’t allow others to take centre stage) certainly is in the category of “insecure” and “not feeling whole within themselves”.
A healthy balance is to just be yourself at that time (whatever that is) and allow others to be themselves also!
The Spiritual Concept Of Ego
I love Wayne Dwyer’s acronym for ego – Edging God Out.
I agree. The need to constantly be liked, loved, admired and accepted (often garnered with apparent confidence, showiness and even overt benevolence) is because of not knowing, and being filled with the Light of knowing yourself as Source / God / Creation knows you are– loveable and worthy simply because you exist.
When in the business of filling with Source Light (which I’ll get to soon regarding how I and many people in this community do that), there is nothing to prove, no approval to be won, no needing to try to earn love, and no emptiness inside that needs to be filled with other people’s attention.
Oh, it is such sweet freedom!
This becomes more and more of your natural state when you release the traumas that are keeping you separated from this organic natural connection to Source (you are a part of Source) and fill with the Light which is your True Self.
My Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program (NARP) in its entirety, delivers you home to this organic state, that becomes more and more your natural beingness – your true essence.
True confidence is the ability to be yourself, accept yourself, present yourself, show up honestly and authentically as you are – without having to put on a show or an act to be something other than who you are really being.
Confidence is telling the truth, regardless of the consequences, knowing that Source loves you and honours you because you love and honour you.
Confidence is the throwing away of your ego attachments if it comes to losing your Soul in order to cling to them.
Confidence applies courage and chooses truth and your Soul, knowing that when you align with your Soul, you are always filled, cared for and provided for by the True Source of all things, regardless of how others and circumstances accept your choice.
By aligning with your Soul Truth and your moral compass, and not handing your power away, Source provides. The rest takes care of itself.
I don’t believe “confidence” is enhanced by ego – at all.
Ego takes the quick fix, the easy route and chooses props, image, identity, distractions, other people’s energy, ways to self-medicate and avoid the truth.
It creates false narratives, false connections and false lives.
Now let’s apply all of this to narcissists.
The Narcissistic Ego
Initially what hooks so many people into a narcissist is their apparent confidence, brashness and presence. Of course, it can be attractive and even intoxicating.
But it is not endearing.
Endearing is when someone is being truly themselves – honest and humble.
You may think a narcissist is being “themselves” because in their “confidence” they don’t care what other people think about them.
It may seem that they are authentic. Yet, authenticity is a “warts and all” deal. The narcissist’s brashness is part of the show – it gets them attention.
What happens if you crack the mirage that is the ego – the False Self? This – the narcissist is triggered on a hairline.
“How dare you question / challenge / disagree / criticize me?!” with the associated defence mechanisms that often include cruel attacks, stonewalling, discards and punishment.
Here is what happened – you didn’t feed and prop up the superior, infallible and beyond reproach version of the narcissist that the False Self (ego) demands you agree with.
What does this intense knee jerk reaction mean?
It means this … the narcissist’s ego is a DEEPLY fragile, insecure construct. It is not based in human solid wholeness and reality, which is …
“I’m human, and I give me permission to be myself. My source of love and acceptance is True Source, not anything or anyone else. As Source accepts me so do I. If you agree with my version of me then we are a meeting of minds, hearts and Souls, and if not, I am still me.”
In regard to being a True Self, narcissists aren’t even on the football field let alone anywhere near the goals.
Here is what is really going on with the narcissist, “I loathe my true inner defective, unworthy, unlovable being. Therefore, I have kicked it to the curb (completely disowned it) and created a fictitious self in its place. I constantly tell myself I am a superb, incredible creature, and need to get other people to agree with this version of myself to stop myself collapsing into the parts of me that I am trying to avoid at all costs.”
Can you see now why if you look at this person the wrong way, say something incorrectly, don’t greet them at the door immediately, do this, do that, or even breathe too loudly – you set them off into a barrage of what it is that you did or didn’t do that offended them?
Initially with narcissists we were all shocked that these incredibly “powerful shiny super-humans” could carry on like a spoilt brat over something that we wouldn’t even blink at.
Now you know why …
It’s the problem of the ego … the False Self. The paper-thin personality structure that needs all the planets to align and the wind to never blow the wrong way, otherwise it starts to flop and topple.
The Little Man / Woman Behind The Curtain
False Selves hide, specifically their True Self.
Narcissistic hiding is done with major defence mechanisms. These things are “the curtain” – grandstanding, entitlement, grandiosity, self-promotion ad-nauseum and loads of gaslighting.
The narcissist wants you to think they are more capable and the authority of you.
This is engineered with false promises, coercion, manipulation, deceit and threats. There is also the assault on your confidence with shame, accusations and degradations, so that they can instil this control over you.
It’s an illusion.
None of it is the truth.
It’s a False Self hoax.
The narcissist doesn’t have their own power source and is an insecure coward that is no match for your True Self.
In Conclusion
When you let go of believing this person is your Source of love, approval, security and survival, and accept they are harvesting you for False Self requirements (power and control) then you know there is zero option to save your Soul other than to detach.
Now it’s time to connect to True Source.
As you release the emotional attachment to the False Source (the narcissist) and fill up with True Source instead (NARP is the path for this), you will feel the spell dissolve.
And then you are delivered out to the other side – into your Light, confidence, True Self and the knowing of infinite wisdom, support and guidance.
Then the rest starts to look after itself.
You will see … and feel and know what it is to be free.
I’d love to know if this article spoke to you today.
What do you believe about the ego now? How do you view the narcissist now?
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