Abandoned in Love
I’m
a codependent. I’ve been in CoDA for 10 months now and have been attending the
CoDA Strong Monday meeting consistently all of that time. I have a CoDA sponsor
and I’ve worked through all Twelve Steps with him. We are now engaged in
working the Twelve Traditions with a focus on how they can help us with
relationships.
That
brings me to my current CoDA issue with my wife. Over the past five years of my
sobriety from pill and sex addiction, my wife and I have enjoyed somewhat of a
honeymoon. So I forget what it was like before that sobriety started. I forget
those feelings of abandonment and loneliness alternating with righteous
indignation, resentment, fear, and impending doom. But five days ago my wife
and I became “estranged” again. It was painful and scary. It feels foreign now
because it is so rare.
It
started with her adopting a pregnant female cat and spending a whole lot of
time trying to introduce the new cat to our household with two 10-year old male
cats. She started sleeping downstairs and staying up all night to make sure the
cats didn’t fight. That's where I started feeling abandoned. So I did what I
have always done and crawled inside myself with books and some inappropriate
internet images. My old M.O.: escape and avoid. It stayed like this for several
days. I tried to reach out to her but our communication had kind of shut down
by this time.
Slowly
over a period of several hours my program began to kick in. I began to identify
my feelings and embrace my new reality. To help me with this, I began to
journal about my fears of abandonment and slowly I looked at “my part.”
It
became clear I could take action, try to communicate with her. Let her know I
love her. Show her affection. Realize that she too was suffering, rather than
dwelling on my victimhood. And I shared it with my therapist who advised take a
deep breath, don’t panic, wait and see. I prayed to my higher power that he
remove my character defects, like fear, impatience, avoidance, control,
selfishness, self-centeredness, etc., that were worsening the situation and
making me miserable.
Then,
I brought it up with my sponsor. In talking to my sponsor, I noticed that I was
really angry at my wife, condemning her as someone who was impossible to
communicate with. I knew this wasn’t true but I heard myself talk and the
realization of “my part” slowly dawned on me at a deeper level.
I
claimed my space, I trusted this insight and realized how much I love my wife.
Then, in my mind’s eye, she was transformed back into my soul mate and my
intimate life-long partner.
Today
the dark clouds have disappeared as quickly as they came. We were able to
connect again and love each other as we have many, many times before over our
30 year relationship. I could see that she had been hurting as badly as me.
Working my CoDA program had carried me through and allowed me to change misery
into spiritual growth. Thank you CoDA!
Anonymous
4/25/22
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