Today I want to talk to you about the 7 ways you can stop thinking about the narcissist and start living.
This is long and probably one of the most profound and straight to the core lessons I have ever shared with you.
I suggest really concentrating and making sure you won’t be disturbed as you absorb this …
About The “Stinking Thinking”
One of the most horrible things about narcissistic abuse is the obsession about the narcissist – what happened to you, what it all meant, and the constant thinking that just can’t seem to be rationalised, put away and let go of.
Most of us mere mortals just couldn’t achieve this logically.
There is so much more going on than just trying to “stop thinking” about it.
The truth is you CAN’T.
We tried this – you know it to be true.
So how do we “stop thinking” about narcissists and start living? The only answer to this is by going through a deep transformation of ourselves.
The constant thinking doesn’t heal you from constant thinking, it just doesn’t work – as you already know.
But the following 7 steps I am sharing with you do.
Are You Ready To Stop Obsessive Thinking?
Do you want to know how to stop thinking about the narcissist?
Not just in a way where you say, “I’m over that” and try to numb out with Netflix or throwing yourself into something to distract yourself or even taking on habits such as drinking, socialising, and addictive practices to try to numb out from it all.
But rather, “not thinking” because you literally don’t think about it. Because the old life is really like just a memory of a memory. It’s like it happened to someone else and strangely you don’t regret any of it. Because you are living in a different vibrational reality, one that delivers true inner happiness, wholeness, and peace as well as the ability to generate and achieve all your life goals.
As far away as this seems right now – I promise you this – if you are no longer durably and genuinely thinking about the narcissist, without using distracting bypasses – you are on your way to this.
Do you want this? Are you ready for this?
If your answer is yes, then let’s go through the very honest and TRUE ways to get there.
Step 1 – Release The Ego Lie
We didn’t know this initially – narcissists are a False Self. They are not real people who do real relationships. They operate in the shadows (darkness and lies) by manipulating others in order to attach and parasite off their energy. They need attention, significance, and stuff to maintain their own existence. They don’t have any original energy or an authentic self of their own.
They are like a dark, black hole, not connected to Creation, Source or Life Force itself, having to suck from others to exist. This is no less than “anti-life” needing “life” to survive.
You are not a dark Soul, you have Life Force to offer and this is why a narcissist targets you as prey.
The following is vital to understand – a narcissist cannot latch onto and into you without your permission. They need your acquiescence to enter your Soul, life, energy, and resources.
But you may say, “Melanie, I was a child I had no choice with my narcissistic parent.” Now this is where we need to take this to a deeper spiritual “reason”.
This is a Soul contract (as it was for all of us with unconscious parents – which is most of us). The families we are born into play an enormous part in igniting what it is that, as adults, we will be challenged with healing and freeing ourselves from for the purpose of our own evolution.
Many of us did not land in families where we had a “feathered nest”. Conscious parenting and the understanding of how to raise a child to have a solid whole inner identity has NOT been part of earth’s curriculum in most parts of this planet.
As a Soul I don’t believe there isn’t anything we didn’t choose to experience in order to grow and awaken out of our spiritual amnesia (I am Soul in a physical body who forgot Who I Really Am).
As children we were powerless to see through the ego dance and stories about “identities” and “stuff”. We needed love, approval, security, and survival from outside sources. We did not know at this point how our fears and ego attachments for survival and the creation of our Inner Identities stripped us from developing our True Selves.
Ideally, we would have “grown up” with self-modelling parents who loved and supported themselves and helped us develop our inner identities for “ourselves”, for our inner Light, for our connection to the unique, lovable, worthy Beings we are, instead of making it conditional on how we looked, preformed and what we achieved.
Our programming made us believe that we were only loveable and worthy if we had or did certain things. We were taught to disconnect from our inner love, worth, truth, freedom and the unique expression of our own Soul and Source divine gifts, expressions, path and truth.
Our conditioning (attachment to outer forces, recognition, and achievements) became our “God” our “Source” and we disconnected further away from our Soul and our True Source (Inner God).
Narcissists have “permission” to come into your life because you are living in this unconscious ego story.
You may be shocked by this – and say, “But Melanie I am conscious! I have done years (decades) of work on myself. I am living a completely conscious life, I eat healthy, I do juice fasts, I meditate, I pray! Why can’t I stop obsessing about this person.”
I promise you this, you haven’t awakened fully yet to what has really happened here, you haven’t yet done the inner transformational work, and you haven’t yet come home.
And that’s okay – I was there for years too, and now I’m not and this is why I can teach you how to get there.
Here is how narcissists play with us when we are still stuck in the “life from the outside in” ego story – they pretend to “be” what you are seeking. It goes like this, “With ME you will have unconditional love, acceptance, happiness, expansion, and a great life of joy, love and achievement.”
It’s a lie. We can only BE these things and then, and only then from True Source flow do we generate more of this with others.
We cling to the lie. We make this person our Source (God) and we battle gallantly and fruitlessly to get these things FROM them. But they are NOT our God.
They are in fact the messenger of how we are not “home” being the generative experience of these things for ourselves. They steal from you everything that is your Life Force and resources, whilst having no intention of granting you your connection to Source and a True Life.
In this programmed ego lie, we are cut off from the Light, in an ego battle in the darkness with a Dark Self.
Are you prepared to let go of this ego lie and reclaim your True Self?
I’m getting bolder with my teachings now, about explaining the real deeper truths to you – because I know that it’s time to do so!
I believe in your maturity and inner wisdom and teachability enough to know that you can keep up with this and I know sugar-coating this and just telling you what you want to hear is not going to help you.
Real people want real answers and real solutions.
(I don’t believe you would be tuning in to my work unless you wanted this – you’d be more likely to be on a channel focusing on narcissistic abuse without solutions to heal from it for real.)
You have to face the truth of the necessity of letting go of your personal ego lie of narcissistic abuse to get to the next step.
Step 2 – Releasing This Person As Your False Source
Okay – here it is. There is only one reason we obsess about what someone has or hasn’t done to us – we hold them responsible as the Source of our Life. We don’t as yet know how to come home to our own power centre of our Soul and our True Source, and rather we are hooked on False Sources.
We feel like broken powerless children agonising over someone not being the healthy, supportive, protective, generative “parent” that we wanted them to be. This could be assigned to an actual parent, another family member, or a lover, spouse, friend, any person at all …
Not being able to let go of holding them responsible for YOU is the obsession. Seeing “only they” can grant you some aspect of YOUR life is causing you to obsess about it.
Blaming them and holding them responsible for the destruction of YOUR life is causing the obsession of this. I understand, I did it too for years. Until I owned that I was participating – not as a bad person, but as a person who felt small and unlovable and unworthy on the inside clinging on trying to force another to “this time finally love and accept me and care for me”.
Blaming and shaming and holding others responsible is powerless victimisation and abuse forums are steeped in this – which grants people absolutely no possibility of generating any sort of healing and evolution beyond it.
We have to own what we need to heal inside ourselves. It showed us how handing over our Souls and selves to try to earn love, approval, security and survival has backfired terribly. Narcissistic abuse, if we choose to wake up, shocks us out of the disasters as adults (as children we were powerless) that is our own powerlessness and smallness. But we have to be humble and honest with ourselves.
If we are honest with ourselves, we did this out of fear – things like attachment to the bricks and mortar and fear for the future (ego identity props). We can even say that we did this for our children, yet in doing so we have kept the ego lie going – handing over their Souls, emotional truths and health for “stuff” and “compliance” and “expectations”.
If we are not prepared to do the inner work on ourselves to let this go, then we stay there. You will obsess about “the non-granting other”. You stay emotionally, vibrationally, and spiritually attached and the entire time (even if you have left the narcissist physically) this person is sucking on your Life Force through spiritual chords.
They are still parasitising off you – and you are giving them spiritual / psychic permission to do so, because of these broken parts of you that are still holding them (as a victim) responsible for your life.
This is why (even years later) you feel like this person has taken over your mind and emotions like some body-snatcher. The truth is – YOU are hanging on to this. You haven’t let go of them as your Source, and you haven’t done the inner work to connect yourself to True Source yet.
Module 1 and Module 2 work of The Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program (NARP) deeply reach these parts inside you that are stuck on this.
By releasing the traumas and false powerless beliefs you bring in the light of True Source to connect you to your authentic power centre. This is between you, your Soul and Source (whatever your understanding of The Light or The Higher Power is).
Then, immediately, the obsession about the narcissist starts to melt away – for all the reasons I just shared with you.
Now we need to deal with the “stinking thinking” about all the regrets of what you have (till now) unconsciously been participating in.
Step 3 – Let Go Of The Pain That Life Didn’t Work Out The Way You Wanted It To
This is another deep false ego story – the attachments to thinking life was meant to be “this” or “that”. It’s the attachment to thinking our inner identity is attached to “results the way we think they have to be” and certain “acquisitions”, or we can’t be whole and happy.
This is not the truth.
If you are stuck in “what should have been” and rolling around in these dark inner traumas, these cause terrible victimised obsession. It blocks up all of your creative, unlimited, expansive True Self flow, as well as starting to live the only life which was going to genuinely gratify you.
Again, our programming has been direly responsible for this, and narcissistic abuse plays straight into this as the huge wake-up lesson out of it. Most of us were attached to our “dream life”. It was all a mirage. It was the illusion of our egoic constructs, born from false programming – the way we believed others saw us as lovable and worthy. It’s also responsible for the way we project our ego desires onto another, hold them responsible for our lives and turn away from the magnificence of the truth of our own Souls.
I can’t promise you enough with all of my heart, that the spiritual compensation (at every level) on the other side of this, after your dark night of the Soul and letting go of all that doesn’t serve you, will blow your mind. NO matter what you have lost, how old you are or how sick you have become.
This is the slingshot if you are prepared to face the truth, do the work and want to reach for your evolution.
This means all feelings of loss, despair, regret, resentment, victimisation, hopelessness, and beliefs about not being able to rebuild have to go … you have to let them go. None of this can happen when you remain clogged up with them. There is no room for the True Source Self to enter and activate within you.
Module 3 of NARP addresses exactly this.
After these traumas have gone and you have filled with Light, you will NOT be thinking about what you lost and didn’t experience with the narcissist – in fact the narcissist starts becoming that distant memory.
Because you will feel released from the past, and hope, inspiration and promise for the future starts being sensed as real for you – even without any physical proof of their arrival yet.
That is what true creation really is. It has to come from within first.
Step 4 – Free Your Soul From Its Wounds
For the first time in your life, you see the greatest value of you as your Soul. Not outer stuff and things. Yet conversely you sense that by valuing your Soul and healing it, that all else is possible as well.
There is deep excavation work necessary. There are many trauma signatures within you where other people’s wounded selves have infiltrated you and caused damage with unconscious, unkind, abusive, neglectful or even criminal behaviours.
Such has been human life – and the experience most of us (definitely in this community) have lived to a large degree. We were assaulted with unconscious, inhumane acts from narcissists which tore at the very fabric of our inner identities.
But now, we need to go to another level – to be “in this world but not in victimised human consciousness anymore”, so we can be the Light that shines within this darkness, as our True Selves leading the way – not just for ourselves, but also for our children and their children and the collective at large.
This is not about changing what is dark to Light – it is about leaving it alone and being the alternative – The Light.
Our greatest job ever is to clean up our own Inner Beings. It’s ours. It’s our responsibility. No one else can do it for us, and it’s our greatest and highest purpose to assign our own Soul as our greatest mission to achieve peace, love, solidness and wholeness within and then be the Soul that can shine That Light for others.
This is not self-sacrificial work. It’s also not selfish work. It’s selfish for those you love (as well as yourself) not to do this work. It’s the only work that will deliver you to the only life that would truly make your heart sing and ignite you into being the person who has the inspiration, joy, courage, freedom, and inner guidance to connect to your Highest Self and dreams – not because you “need” them to try to “get” yourself – but because you are living life from your Soul now.
This Beingness also grants others permission to be humble, self-examine with self-love, release their wounds, live free of them and follow in your Soul steps.
Additionally, “ships come in over smooth waters”. By doing this inner liberation work, or freeing inner traumas no longer are you attracting “more of” your fears and unhealed wounds.
The Field (everything in your experience) can now respond by supplying you with that which matches your new evolved up-levelled vibrational inner reality.
This means support, love, peace, and more wholeness. Positive opportunities, synchronicity and miracles also start to appear.
How much do you think you will be “thinking about” the narcissist now?
But how do you get here? You can’t just logically flick a switch.
It is doing the diligent inner excavation work of all the traumas of the terrible things that have hurt you. Feeling them, loading them up, letting them go and replacing them in your body, with The Light which is the Highest part of you.
This moves you out of the horrific betrayals and terrible assaults done to you. You know when you have achieved this, because you can think about them (only with effort because it is no longer “yours”) without any emotional charge whatsoever. It’s like it happened to someone else and is no longer relevant to you.
You will get there, as I and thousands of others have.
Modules 4 and 5 in NARP achieve this.
Step 5 – Free Yourself From Obligation To Others
If I use myself as the sacrificial lamb to try to fix and save you – then I am enabling you to sacrifice me on the alter for your benefit. If I turn my water on your vegetables and don’t water my own, then mine perish to maintain yours.
This is not humanity.
Abusers don’t learn how to embrace and embody humanity whilst others keep enabling them to be abusers.
We don’t help ourselves and we don’t help others by trying to fix them whilst we are being damaged.
One of the greatest understandings I learned through the Thriver Recovery of my Soul was that feeling sorry for people and destroying myself in the process not only enabled them to continue abusing me, it shattered my life and toxically traumatised me.
I allowed and participated in this.
It also taught my son, by example, that self-sacrificial abuse was “okay” and that we are supposed to stay attached to unreasonable, irresponsible, and even criminal people trying to fix them whilst we hold them responsible for our life – even whilst they are destroying it.
Is it any wonder that humanity is so sick with abuse patterns and programs that we have been passing on to our future generations?
Now I know that even a friend who continually dumps their victim story on me but refuses to take responsibility or do the inner work is not my reality. I don’t allow these conversations anymore because I know it feels incredibly toxic and draining to my Inner Being. Yes, I can be loving and compassionate, but am I empowering them if I just continually reinforce that they are a powerless victim and let them use me as their emotional dump master without healing anything to actually get out of their situation?
Of course I’m not.
That’s not real love – it’s not me caring about me or them. It’s me trying to take the easy way out – which it absolutely isn’t!
It really is time for all of us – if we are to stop thinking about feeling sorry for narcissists – to empower ourselves and honour our Inner Truth, to give all of humanity the opportunity to heal and up-level. This is the only way we feel good, truthful, authentic and have the power and space to create an incredible life.
I have seen in my own life, the incredible graduation of my son out of his victimhood, when I stopped trying to fix him, and instead healed, honoured, and valued myself, started setting boundaries and led the way.
I have seen friendships blossom into true, authentic, and evolved ones as a result of my honest and tough love with people. And wonderfully I have been able to set boundaries with people who don’t have the resources or the desire to stop being abusive, irresponsible and / or parasitical and completely disconnected without any regret, guilt, or pain – no matter who they are.
This needs to be your truth too – if you wish to be free and truly live and love healthily.
And to stop thinking about all the “I should have”, “I could have” and “was it me?”, and “I was not compassionate, and caring enough” or “what will people think of me because I walked away” crap that can keep us hooked into thinking about narcissists.
Module 6 of NARP does this incredible inner mop-up work of our obligation and guilt-ridden co-dependencies.
Step 6 – Stop Trying To Control Your Life
I used to be an avid control freak, and really where this was coming from is, “I feel so out of control on the inside, I’m trying to compensate by being firmly in control on the outside.” Now I know what a false premise and “how to lose” strategy this is.
Our entire lives are generated from “the inside” no matter how much thinking and doing we try to employ. It all comes from our Beingness. If we are “being” traumatised, unsafe, and anxious on the inside, life and others will keep supplying us more of the same as the evidence of ULTIMATE TRUTH – “Incredible Creator That You Are, can you not see that it’s your Beingness generating this!?”
This is why Divine Will not Thy Will is everything! Divine Will means you let go of the terrors, anxieties, need to control and confusions on the inside (which means the accompanying thoughts will simply melt away), and fill up where they were with The Light.
What is in The Light of Quanta Freedom Healings? It’s your Higher Self. Your True Source Potential. It is your Super-Conscious Self. It is everything you want.
As more and more of this enters your Being, into the spaces within where your trauma was once clogging you up, feelings of calm, solidness and wholeness come on-line. You feel self-love and self-approval (which are your natural states without trauma). From this space and calm and peace inside you can finally hear your inner guidance.
This comes to you as intuition, feelings of inspiration and the ability to “see and hear” messages in your life. It could be the words of a song. Something that pops up in your newsfeed. It could be a random conversation you had with someone. Then you start to understand that Source / God / Consciousness is in all things, everywhere and is always granting you the information to take your next highest step forward.
The greatest joy and relief in my life now, and I see this with so many other Thrivers working with the NARP Healings, is the freedom of NOT knowing. The ability to be called, inspired, and connect to life in ways that are magical. Sometimes I only know my next step, sometimes I don’t know it at all. All I know I ever need to do is keep releasing any of my internal triggers (Who I am NOT) replace them with The Light (Who I Really Am) and be present and show up as myself … truly that is it.
Them I am “myself” – honest, following through on my inner voice and living from my heart centre instead of derailed by the crazy trauma in my brain.
I studied these philosophies years ago, but I had never embodied them. I used to try to do hours of meditation, chanting, yoga, and all sorts of things to try to still my mind to reach my inner voice, but I never had lasting success.
I had far too much internal trauma inside which was triggering many fears that my mind was then trying to process. What I discovered through Quanta Freedom Healings is that by going inside to clear out the triggering traumas and fears and replacing them with The Light, that I organically became centred. There was no efforting to try to keep returning there, hold that state or make it last.
It just was …
Not knowing and being connected to my inner voice has catapulted me into experiences of connection, love, truth, success, and prosperity that I couldn’t even begin to believe could be mine.
Divine Will (matching what my Soul always yearned for anyway) is far more powerful that my fearful controlling mind could ever orchestrate. The relief of Letting Go and Letting God, as well as how much it frees me up to just live – is exhilarating.
It will be for you too.
How much do you think you will still be bogged down in thinking about the narcissist now?
Module 7 of NARP is the healing transformation from your will to the much Higher and powerfully successful Divine Will. Modules 8 and 9 help you release any remaining fears of the narcissist, or any hold that the narcissist themselves, still has over you.
Step 7 – Live Your True Life As Your True Self
With this inner work you are moving out of programmed human ego falsities into the returning home to your true coded DNA Self – your True Self.
This is the Self living from your Source inspired centre. It equals how to win at the Game of Life.
This is the Self who is connected to and partnered with your intuition, your Inner Being and your Soul purpose.
You stop seeing yourself as a small, powerless, unworthy being having to earn love, approval, security, and survival.
You have stopped asking for permission for your freedom, choices, power, and inspired living.
You no longer get shackled by the guilt of people not liking your expansion, trying to hold you back, stop you or limit you in any way. You DO NOT acquiesce to tyranny or narcissism anymore. It has no hold on you.
You are not scared to shine and BE yourself and you are no longer attached to the fact that there are people who will not like you or agree with you and may even try to defile you.
You have moved past needing to be defined by others – you have come home to knowing Who You Are (a fractal of Source) living as Source flowing through you as you regardless of what anyone else is or isn’t doing.
This is Heaven on Earth. This is the True Self template for all of us, that awaits you, just as it did me, as the rising from the ashes out of narcissistic abuse to claim and return home to the actualisation of our True Lives.
Diamonds are birthed from intense heat and pressure.
Pearls arise from the continuous grinding of grit in their shell.
The greatest gold is mined from the deep darkness.
This was a Soul contract, a dark night of the Soul, that happened FOR you – not to you.
If you don’t “see”, “claim” and get to work on this, then you will stay stuck in the Soul contract which doesn’t end FOR you, until you do.
That is what the obsessing is. The constant stinking thinking, the analysis paralysis, the feeling like you are going crazy, can’t get this person out of your head and will never recover.
This is your Soul and Source saying to you, “How much pain and suffering do you need before you stop trying to figure this out in your head, drop into your heart, meet your Soul, do the inner work and free yourself?”
Module 10 of NARP delivers you home – to this place – after all the other steps in order, to bring you here.
Home to YOU the REAL YOU.
How much do you think you will think about a False Self, and what they could have granted you then?
Do you think it is possible that you will look back at all of this as “so meant to be”?
If you make it this far, if you follow these steps, I can assure you that you will.
Thank you for making it this far in this candid and I hope Soul-enlightening conversation.
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