Visiting home, especially when we’re dealing with a challenging parent or family member, can stir up a lot of emotions.
The familiar family dynamics, unresolved childhood wounds, and sometimes even emotional manipulation can resurface, leaving us feeling drained, confused, or even stuck.
Right Mindfulness, as taught in Buddhism, is the practice of being fully aware and present in each moment, with an open and non-judgmental attitude. It’s about paying attention to our thoughts, feelings, and actions as they arise, without getting caught up in them or letting them control us.
Right Mindfulness is training the mind to observe what’s happening in the present without reacting out of habit, emotion, or past experience. It’s about noticing what we’re thinking and feeling right now, rather than getting lost in worries about the future or regrets about the past. For me, it’s as simple as pausing in the moment and checking-in with myself, and then asking myself, “Now what?”
For example, during a visit with a challenging parent we might feel old emotions like frustration, guilt, or anger bubbling up. Right Mindfulness teaches us to notice these emotions without identifying with them. Instead of allowing those feelings to dictate our actions (like snapping at our parent or withdrawing emotionally), we practice observing them. We might think, “I’m feeling frustrated right now,” without letting that frustration control our behavior. Asking “Now what?” reminds me to try to meet my own needs in that moment.
I recall the first time I visited my family after a period of intense emotional growth. As soon as I walked through their door, old patterns began to resurface. Conversations were laced with remnants of guilt-tripping, unsolicited advice, and subtle undermining of my choices. Despite my evolution, I was still sensitive to these dynamics, and they felt even more intense. It was as if I was slipping back into the version of myself I had worked so hard to move beyond.
But I realized something important that day: I had changed—and that was a powerful thing. I wasn’t the same person I had been years ago, and I didn’t have to fall back into the old roles I had played for so long.
I realized I had crafted my own holiday emotional toolkit, blending mindfulness with cognitive behavioral therapy to navigate these emotionally charged visits more successfully.
We can still visit those we love without losing our sense of self. Choosing not to go home for the holidays is not the only option. The key for me is setting clear boundaries, protecting my emotional energy, and staying true to the adult I’ve become.
Here are seven ways to keep our inner peace during family visits:
Check our Energy and Protect our Emotional Space
The first thing I had to remind myself was that it’s not selfish to prioritize my well-being. As adults, we are entitled to have our own independent identities and emotional needs, no matter what our family dynamics might have been like growing up. We don’t need to feel guilty for struggling to establish a healthy relationship with a parent who might have failed to meet those needs in the past.
For years, I found that while completely normal, I desperately was in the energy of trying to get my family to understand me or apologize for things they didn’t know how to address. I realized I was hoping for a change that wasn’t coming. This realization wasn’t easy, but it was empowering. Instead of hoping for the past to be different, I started focusing on what I could control: my self-care and my emotional energy.
I began to ask myself:
>> What emotional needs were not met in my childhood that I still carry today?
>> How have I tried to gain validation or approval from my parent, and how has that left me feeling?
>> Am I in a threatened or overwhelmed energy, or a forcing, manipulation energy, or a moment where I need to recalibrate to a self-soothing one?
>> How do other family members’ behaviors or expectations influence my emotions? Am I using their metric to measure my worth right now?
Taking the time to reflect on these questions helped me clarify my emotions, prepare myself for difficult moments, and orient me to meet my own needs during my visit.
Set Clear Boundaries and Honor our Needs
My number one priority during these visits is to protect my mental and emotional well-being, and that often means setting clear boundaries―and sticking to them. When I started visiting family again, I made it clear that I wouldn’t tolerate certain behaviors. It wasn’t easy at first, especially with the guilt or pushback that often came up, but I soon realized that by setting boundaries, I was reclaiming my power.
For example, when I visited I told them upfront, “I’m here to be present with you and enjoy our time, but I’m not discussing certain topics, and if I feel criticized or disrespected, I’ll leave.” It wasn’t always easy to enforce, but sticking to those limits, even when it felt unfamiliar or uncomfortable for me to enforce my boundaries this way, helped me stay grounded. I knew I had my own back.
I learned to use these visits as opportunities to practice reinforcing boundaries and strengthening the right to have my own needs and for those needs to be met. I would use little mantras like:
>> “I have the right to ask for ________, because I need ________.”
>> “It’s okay for me to protect my time by ________, because I need ________.”
>> “I will not allow others to ________, because I need ________.”
For example, I would tell myself:
>> “It’s okay for me to protect my time by saying no, because I need space and peace.”
>> “I will not allow others to disrespect my boundaries, because I need autonomy and safety.”
>> “I have the right to ask for support, because I need connection and encouragement.”
>> “It’s okay for me to protect my time by prioritizing myself, because I need self-care and balance.”
>> “I will not allow others to minimize my feelings, because I need validation and empathy.”
These statements help reinforce the importance of respecting my emotional and physical boundaries while honoring my needs.
By repeating these affirmations, I reminded myself that my needs were just as valid as anyone else’s. Over time, these small statements became powerful tools for reclaiming my space and emotional well-being, allowing me to show up as my true, empowered self, no matter the dynamics around me.
Control our Time and Energy
One of the things I learned was that I don’t need to subject myself to long, emotionally draining visits if it’s not healthy for me. If I needed, I scheduled shorter visits and made sure to build in breaks where I could recharge based on my energy levels. Sometimes, if things felt overwhelming, I’d step away for a moment, whether that meant taking a walk or finding a quiet space to center myself.
We have the right to control how much time we spend with our family members. If we need to set limits, we should. I realized that my family might feel hurt if I didn’t stay as long as they expected, but I was no longer responsible for managing their feelings. I was responsible for my own. We have the right to choose our emotional and mental health over family expectations, and it’s not our job to carry the burden of others’ needs at the expense of our well-being.
Engage From our Adult Self
Old emotional patterns can easily resurface, especially when visiting family who doesn’t honor our adult selves. It’s easy to slip back into old roles—the child who seeks validation or the peacemaker who avoids conflict. But we now have the power to choose how we engage.
For me, I had to ask myself during visits: Am I engaging as the adult I am now, or am I slipping back into the role of the vulnerable child I once was? If I noticed myself shrinking or silencing my needs to avoid conflict, I would pause and ground myself. I reminded myself that I was no longer that child, and that I had every right to speak my truth, express my needs, and make choices that honored my emotional well-being.
Sometimes, during more intense triggering moments I shifted perspective. Instead of seeing my parent as someone who must idyllically meet all my emotional needs or a family member who I needed to “see” the real me, I tried to engage with them as if they were a stranger. It changed my inner energy as it brought a level of detachment and a newfound curiosity. This allowed me to separate from old expectations and engage in a way that felt less emotionally charged. We don’t need to force intimacy or understanding—sometimes, keeping a bit of distance is the healthiest choice.
Be Mindful of Old Emotional Patterns
Feelings of frustration, resentment, or anger are often signals that old emotional patterns are being triggered. These emotions don’t always mean that our family members are doing something wrong in the present moment. Sometimes, they are just echoes of unresolved issues from the past.
When these feelings arise, I take a moment to check in with myself: Are these emotions new or are they remnants of old wounds that are surfacing because the environment feels familiar? Recognizing the difference can help us process these emotions without reacting impulsively.
If the emotions are from the past, we can use techniques like deep breathing, journaling, meditation, or mindfully walking to help release old energy and regain emotional balance.
Manage our Expectations
I had to come to terms with the fact that my family might not meet all my emotional needs during these visits—and that was okay. If I expected them to change, I was only setting myself up for disappointment. Instead, I started focusing on what I needed from myself to stay grounded and clear. I focused on how I could meet my own needs while also still being open to the quieter ways they may show their love.
When my expectations were let down, I reminded myself to practice self-compassion and not to take their behavior personally. If things got overwhelming, I took a break, retreated to my space, and used mindfulness tools to reset my emotional state.
Accept that our Peace and Voice Matter
I learned that the most important part of those visits wasn’t about changing my family’s behavior—it was about reclaiming my voice. Each time I set a boundary or spoke my truth, I was reinforcing my right to exist as my authentic self.
The goal of visiting a challenging parent or family member isn’t about changing them but changing our approach to the relationship. By pausing and listening to ourselves, being intentional with our boundaries, protecting our energy, and showing up as the adults we’ve become, we can transform these difficult visits into opportunities for growth, self-discovery, and empowerment.
We can protect our peace and reclaim our power without feeling like our only option is to not visit. The more we honor ourselves, the more we show our families (and ourselves) that we are no longer the powerless children who once accepted unhealthy behavior. We are adults worthy of respect, love, and emotional care.
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