Letting Go of Victimhood
I grew up in rural
Oklahoma during the 1950s and 1960s, surrounded by family. My mother was one of
nine siblings—three brothers and six sisters—which resulted in 30 first cousins
on her side alone. When I was nine, my parents built a house next to my maternal
grandparents, so most of my evenings and weekends were spent with those
relatives. While the adults visited, I often found myself among cousins and
relatives, feeling isolated as one of the younger ones. Many relatives seemed
quick to put me down; even now, I can still hear my grandfather's voice, saying
I was "as worthless as tits on a boar hog."
That small community
held many secrets—incest and dysfunction were prevalent, and emotional support
was virtually nonexistent. For me, childhood was confusing, leaving me
profoundly unprepared for adulthood. I developed many dysfunctional coping
mechanisms in that environment. I think the most troubling of which was seeing
myself as a victim. It was a survival skill in that environment, an ability to
assign blame outside myself for my troubles. I became anxious, always expecting
to be victimized in one way or another.
Through recovery, I’ve
come to recognize that much of my anxiety stems from my own conspiracy
theories. I had created my own misery by projecting onto others the same
negative intentions I carried within myself. This mindset dominated my
relationships and worldview for years, making me feel powerless and trapped.
Though I may never fully understand the origins of this perspective,
recognizing it has been essential. Now, through CoDA, I am learning that I have
the power to choose a new way of viewing the world and of connecting with
others.
Byrle S.
11/12/2024
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