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In today’s dating world, the unspoken rules and assumptions that used to guide relationships are no longer as clear.
In past generations, much of dating was based on implicit norms—like nonverbal cues or societal expectations—where people often knew how to act without needing to explain themselves fully.
For example, traditional gender roles used to guide much of how relationships developed, with men typically taking the lead. Now, those roles are more flexible, and there’s a shift toward shared responsibilities in how relationships evolve.
Since the rules are no longer clear, we must communicate more openly to understand each other’s needs, desires, and values. In short, we need a shared vocabulary—a common understanding of what we each value and expect in a relationship. This starts with developing a mutual lexicon to express what we value, expect, and, most importantly, the personal significance we attach to key moments in the relationship.
In the past, we might have expected that if someone was truly “the one,” they’d just intuitively understand us, but today, we know that kind of mind-reading isn’t realistic. If we don’t communicate directly and assertively, we risk misunderstanding each other, which can create unnecessary frustration.
Many of my female clients express fear or hesitation about expressing their needs because they’ve been conditioned to prioritize others’ needs first or fear rejection. Sometimes, past experiences where they weren’t heard or valued make them afraid to ask for what they want. But, when we fail to communicate, we fall into patterns of guessing what the other person means, and assumptions create more emotional strain.
By asserting our needs clearly, we not only avoid confusion but also empower ourselves. We shift from a place of constantly trying to “make things work” or over-explaining to focusing on personal integrity. It’s about having the confidence to set and maintain boundaries, express your emotions, and be true to yourself in a relationship, without second-guessing whether you’ve done enough or worrying about how your partner will react. If you’ve communicated your needs honestly and respectfully, you’ve fulfilled your responsibility, and you can rest assured knowing that you’ve acted with integrity.
The question then becomes: did I communicate my needs, set my boundaries, and explain how certain events affect me emotionally? If the answer is yes, then there’s nothing more to do. We stop second-guessing, and we can rest easy knowing that we’ve done our part in creating open communication.
This clarity in communication doesn’t just relieve emotional stress, it also frees us to let the relationship evolve naturally—either growing stronger or, if it’s not the right fit, allowing it to fade away. Relationships take work, but they also need both partners to actively create understanding together. Without clear communication, we risk assigning meaning to our partner’s actions based on our past experiences or insecurities, leading to misunderstandings.
How to Tell When We Are Externally Focused
So how can we begin to shift from a place of over-analyzing behavior to clear, assertive communication?
When we are externally focused, we’re primarily concerned with our partner’s behavior, thoughts, or emotions. We spend a lot of time analyzing, interpreting, and sometimes overthinking their actions, words, or the lack thereof. This focus on our partner’s external actions is often driven by a desire for validation, certainty, or reassurance from them, and it can create emotional turbulence.
For example, we might find ourselves obsessing over whether our partner texted us back quickly enough, or whether their level of affection is enough to signal they care. We could start interpreting their actions—like not replying immediately—as a sign of disinterest or lack of commitment, even though their reasons may be entirely unrelated to us. We may begin creating entire stories in our heads, thinking that we should know what they’re feeling, without ever having a clear conversation about it.
This externally focused mindset can lead to:
1. Over-analyzing: We second-guess everything our partner says or does, looking for hidden meanings and trying to decipher their every move.
2. Misunderstanding intentions: We might project our own fears, insecurities, or past wounds onto our partner’s actions, assuming they are doing or not doing something based on our own assumptions.
3. Dependency on external validation: We place too much weight on our partner’s actions to tell us how we’re doing emotionally or how the relationship is progressing. If they don’t behave as expected, we feel anxious, unsettled, or unsure of where we stand.
4. Imbalance in emotional energy: We exhaust ourselves trying to figure out the meaning behind every little thing our partner does. Instead of focusing on how we feel and what we need, we focus almost entirely on interpreting them. This can make us feel emotionally drained or disconnected from ourselves.
At its worst, being externally focused creates a cycle of emotional dependency, where we rely on our partner’s behaviors to feel secure or validated. Instead of looking inward to assess our own emotional needs, we place the responsibility on them to “make us feel better” or confirm our value.
Internally Focused: Tuning into Our Own Needs and Values
On the other hand, when we are internally focused, we focus on our own thoughts, emotions, values, and needs. This means that instead of constantly looking outward and trying to decode our partner’s behavior, we turn inward to reflect on what we truly need from the relationship, how we feel about specific situations, and what boundaries we need to set for ourselves.
Being internally focused means:
1. Knowing our own values: We have a clear sense of what we value in a relationship—things like honesty, respect, emotional support, or time together—and we are able to communicate these to our partner in a healthy and direct way.
2. Expressing needs openly: Instead of hoping our partner will intuitively “get it,” we directly ask for what we need. For example, if texting throughout the day is important to us, we communicate this, rather than assuming they will just know or becoming frustrated when they don’t do it.
3. Taking responsibility for our emotions: We recognize that our feelings and emotional state are largely influenced by our own choices, boundaries, and thoughts, not solely by how our partner acts. If we’re feeling upset, we reflect on why and take responsibility for understanding those emotions, rather than waiting for our partner to change their behavior to “fix” it.
4. Avoiding emotional dependency: By staying internally focused, we don’t place our emotional well-being in the hands of someone else. While it’s healthy to lean on a partner for support, we also take ownership of our emotional health and don’t expect the relationship to meet all our emotional needs without effort or input from ourselves.
5. Clear and honest communication: We focus on articulating our feelings, needs, and boundaries clearly. This helps prevent unnecessary misunderstandings. For example, if we need time alone, we communicate that directly, instead of withdrawing and leaving our partner confused or wondering what’s going on.
An internally focused approach leads to greater personal empowerment because we become the authority on our own emotional experience. Instead of worrying about what our partner might think or trying to predict their actions, we focus on how we can be authentic to ourselves and build a healthy dynamic together. We don’t rely on our partner to “fix” us or tell us how to feel—we engage in a reciprocal relationship where both partners have a clear understanding of each other’s needs, and both take responsibility for meeting those needs in their own way.
The Trap of Expecting Others to Behave as We Wish
Often we also become externally focused when we fixate on our partner’s behavior, trying to read between the lines. At its core, this focus on their behavior can reflect an unspoken expectation: “Why aren’t they behaving the way I want them to, based on what I’ve told them?”
This external focus often arises from our desire to control the narrative—if we are being honest, we might secretly hope that our partner will intuitively follow the instructions we’ve laid out for them or just because we have a hidden expectation that things “should” happen a certain way. We may question their affection or commitment, not because of anything they’ve explicitly said or done, but because their behavior doesn’t align with the script we’ve unconsciously written for them.
The real issue here is that we’re not truly seeing our partner for who they are; instead, we’re projecting our own expectations onto them, and then measuring their actions against those projections. This can lead to frustration, as we become consumed with thoughts like, “If they really cared, they would know exactly what I need without me having to ask.”
We begin to view our partner through the lens of what we want or hope for, rather than understanding them as an individual with their own thoughts, feelings, and needs. In doing so, we inadvertently create a narrative in our minds, where we expect them to act in a certain way that aligns with our internal script.
This tendency to project can be rooted in our past experiences, unmet needs, or even fantasies of how we wish the relationship should unfold. When we measure their actions against these projections—whether it’s in terms of affection, communication, or gestures—we’re not really assessing their true behavior or feelings, but rather how closely they align with the idealized version we’ve created in our minds.
We might begin to feel that if they truly cared about us, they would naturally understand our needs without us ever having to explain them. The underlying thought could be something like, “If they really loved me, they would know exactly how I feel and what I want.” However, this is an unrealistic expectation. No one can read our minds, and the more we cling to these projections, the more we distance ourselves from the truth of our partner’s actual experience. As a result, we may feel unheard or unappreciated, not because our partner doesn’t care, but because we are not giving them the chance to show us who they truly are, in their own way. Instead, we’re holding them to an expectation that’s based on our own desires and assumptions, not their authentic selves.
The Difference Between Standards and Expectations
This tendency to fixate on our partner’s behavior often blurs the line between standards and expectations. While both concepts are related to what we desire in a relationship, they come from different places and serve different purposes.
Standards are the nonnegotiable principles or values that we hold dear in a relationship. They are clear and healthy guidelines that define the kind of respect, care, and behavior we need in order to feel valued and secure. For instance, a standard might be “I need honesty and transparency in my relationships” or “I won’t tolerate dishonesty or disrespect.” Standards set the foundation for a healthy relationship and reflect the values we’re unwilling to compromise on.
Expectations, on the other hand, are assumptions or hopes we have about how our partner will behave or what we think they will do based on our past experiences or wishes. Expectations tend to be more fluid and often rely on unspoken understandings or assumptions. For example: “They should text me every day” or “They should know how I feel without me having to tell them.” Expectations can create unnecessary pressure, as they are often based on our own ideals rather than a mutual understanding of each other’s needs.
When we confuse standards with expectations, we risk setting ourselves up for disappointment or resentment. Standards come from a place of clarity and respect for both parties, while expectations can be tied to an assumption that our partner should intuitively meet our needs without us explicitly communicating them.
The danger is that when our expectations are not met, we often feel frustrated, as if our partner is falling short—when, in fact, we haven’t communicated clearly or set mutual agreements on those expectations.
By distinguishing between the two, we can focus on maintaining healthy standards while letting go of unrealistic expectations. This shift allows us to approach our relationship with more understanding and less pressure, fostering healthier communication and deeper connection.
What Does This Type of Communication Look Like
Imagine dating someone and feeling frustrated because they’re not texting you enough. You’ve been hoping for more frequent texts or spontaneous affection, but your partner hasn’t met those expectations. You might start thinking, “Why doesn’t he care?” But in reality, your partner may not even know this is important to you. Perhaps they show affection in other ways, like spending time together or helping practically, but you haven’t communicated your need for more texting.
Without clear communication, assumptions build, and frustration grows. You may start interpreting their actions negatively, even though they might believe they’re showing affection the right way. This miscommunication can lead to emotional distance and criticism, all because the expectation wasn’t explicitly discussed.
Another approach would be to say, “I really love it when we text during the day—it makes me feel closer to you. Can we try to do that more often?” By expressing your needs clearly, you open the door for mutual understanding and prevent unnecessary conflict. The issue isn’t that your partner isn’t meeting your expectations, but that your values and the emotional significance of texting (connection) may not have been clear to your partner.
The Role of a Shared Lexicon in Communication
This is where creating a shared lexicon becomes essential. A shared lexicon is the language you and your partner develop to describe and understand each other’s feelings, needs, and actions.
In relationships, alignment using a shared vocabulary is more important than absolute agreement because it focuses on shared values, mutual respect, and understanding, rather than forcing both partners to think or behave in exactly the same way.
We are clear about our own emotional landscape, our boundaries, and open up a negotiation space where we explore our expectations with our partner.
When both partners have a clear understanding of the emotional significance behind words or actions, it helps prevent the misinterpretations that arise from projecting our expectations onto each other.
For example, you and your partner might agree that introducing children to a new partner is a big step, and it’s not something to rush into. If you’ve both established that meeting the kids is something you’ll only do when the relationship feels serious and exclusive, it helps avoid any confusion or feelings of pressure. Without a shared understanding, one partner might think it’s too soon, while the other might feel like it’s a natural progression without thinking about the emotional significance to you.
By having this conversation and agreeing on what that milestone means for both of you, you prevent any misunderstandings and ensure that both of you are comfortable with the significance of introducing kids into the relationship.
Without this shared understanding, we often end up fixating on our partner’s actions, wondering what we hope they mean. A shared lexicon bridges that gap, ensuring that the words we use and the actions we take have mutual clarity, preventing unnecessary confusion and emotional strain.
This shared language isn’t just about understanding your partner—it’s also about being able to articulate your own feelings with clarity and confidence. The more both partners understand the emotional weight behind the words and actions, the deeper the connection will become.
What’s crucial here is recognizing that these needs are not a demand for the other person to change, but rather an invitation to engage in a meaningful, open dialogue.
By articulating our needs, we help our partners see where we’re coming from and create an opportunity for them to step up and meet us in the building of attunement. This level of communication and emotional connection can significantly deepen the relationship, making both partners feel heard and validated, which ultimately strengthens the bond.
Recognizing When It’s Not the Right Relationship: The Importance of Sharing Emotional Landscapes
In any meaningful relationship, it’s vital that both partners are willing to share their inner emotional landscapes—their thoughts, feelings, vulnerabilities, and needs. This openness allows for deeper connection and understanding. However, if a partner is unwilling or unable to share their emotional world, it may signal that this relationship is not aligned with what we truly need.
When someone consistently withholds their emotional truth, it can create a sense of emotional distance, making it difficult to truly understand each other. This lack of transparency can also lead to confusion, as we are left guessing about their feelings, intentions, and needs. It may feel like we’re navigating the relationship in the dark, unable to make informed decisions about where it’s headed.
Likewise, it’s important to acknowledge that, at times, we may avoid these conversations around clarity as a form of denial because it allows us to stay in a space of hope and possibility. When things are left undefined, there’s room for us to project our desires onto the situation, hoping things will align as we wish. It can feel safer to keep the ambiguity alive, to leave ourselves open to the fantasy of what it might be, rather than face the reality of what it is—or isn’t. Confronting clarity might mean confronting disappointment, and that can feel daunting.
But avoiding these conversations only prolongs confusion and emotional drain. The key to meaningful connection is shifting from an externally focused mindset to one that centers on our own values and needs. When we begin to express ourselves clearly and honestly, we create the foundation for deeper, more authentic conversations that allow both partners to feel seen, heard, and respected.
Building Our Own Language of Connection
In today’s world of dating and relationships, the absence of a shared lexicon can often leave us feeling disconnected and unsure. But this doesn’t have to leave us powerless. We are in an era where the rules aren’t as obvious, and as a result, it’s up to us to communicate and define our shared meanings in real time. The traditional scripts we used to follow have dissolved, leaving a gap that can only be filled through intentional and clear communication.
Instead of relying on others to “just get us,” we have the power to actively create our own language of mutual connection—one built on clear communication, understanding, and respect.
By tuning into our own values, needs, and boundaries, and those of our partner, we can sidestep the emotional exhaustion of guessing, assuming, or misinterpreting. Rather than getting lost in analyzing our partner’s actions, we go directly to the source to have an open and meaningful conversation that builds true intimacy and clarity, knowing we did our best to communicate authentically. In doing so, we honor our own emotional well-being and cultivate partnerships where both individuals can thrive, feel valued, and truly be seen, or we have the answers we need to move on.
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