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We live in a time where therapy speak is everywhere—on dating apps, in casual conversations, even woven into our pillow talk.
And while emotional language can be beautiful, healing, and connective, it can also be misused.
When someone says all the right things—reflects your feelings back to you, uses the language of emotional awareness, tells you they “feel so safe” with you—but doesn’t back any of it up with consistent care, accountability, or follow-through, that’s not emotional maturity. That’s emotional manipulation.
And when they use that pseudo-intimacy to gain access to your body, your energy, your affection, or your vulnerability? Let’s call it what it is: fuck boi behavior. Regardless of gender.
Being emotionally attuned in the moment isn’t the same as being emotionally available.
In a workshop I led on emotional intimacy and self-love, one participant shared a story that stuck with me. She had been seeing someone who mirrored her every emotional insight. He said all the right things—about vulnerability, presence, and wanting “something real.” But his actions were inconsistent. He would disappear for days after deep, soulful conversations. When she asked for more clarity or commitment, he called her “too intense” or said she was “projecting past wounds.” She started to feel like the problem was her. But through our work, she saw it clearly: he was using emotional language to keep her close without offering any real stability or care.
She said, “He knew how to speak to my heart, but he wasn’t living from his.”
That’s the difference.
What she experienced is what I call emotional bypassing—using the language of insight, intimacy, or healing to avoid actual vulnerability and accountability. It’s a slick kind of avoidance that feels emotionally attuned, but isn’t grounded in embodied care. It can leave you doubting your own instincts, confused by the disconnect between their words and their impact.
And let’s be clear: this kind of behavior isn’t about gender.
Fuck boi energy isn’t limited to cis men. It’s a relational pattern—a way of relating to others while staying unaccountable to self. It can be enacted by people of any gender and directed at people of any gender. And often, it’s fueled by internalized misogyny, fear of the feminine, or even self-hatred. Sometimes the very tenderness someone claims to cherish is the thing they subconsciously resent, punish, or exploit.
Let’s stop associating emotional manipulation with gender alone. Let’s name it for what it is: a lack of integrity masquerading as connection.
What we’re looking for—what we deserve—is someone who doesn’t just say the sweet, soulful things, but someone who lives them. Someone whose actions are congruent with their words. Who takes responsibility. Who stays kind when things get real. Who doesn’t just want access to your body, but wants to show up for your whole self.
So here’s your reminder: If someone’s showing up inconsistently but talking like a therapist, it’s not your job to decode their mixed messages. It’s your job to notice the disconnect and center yourself in clarity, care, and choice.
You’re not “too much” for wanting emotional honesty and embodied integrity. That’s just what healthy love looks like.
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