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*Author’s Disclaimer: I use “man” and “woman” because the patriarchal system only recognizes two genders (I fully recognize all genders). I’m really speaking to the masculine and feminine rather than gender, since women can be perpetrators too, just statistically and traditionally it has been men in the dynamic I discuss.
“I’m too Sexist for My Shirt…too Sexist for My Shirt, so Sexist it Hurts…”
I have a confession to make…
I used to be sexist…and I’m a woman.
In my early 30s, I wrote a fun romantic comedy movie script that starred two chauvinistic male characters who objectified the female characters and glorified misogyny. It was totally unconscious; I thought I was writing a fun rom-com bromance. I was just writing male characters based on the Adam Sandler-esque characters I’d seen in movies and the men around me whose behavior I unconsciously normalized as just “boys being boys.”
I was lucky I had a generous, empathetic script consultant who could tell by the compassionate messages of my film that I wasn’t a chauvinistic douchebag and she kindly pointed out that the male characters’ behavior was sexist. Obviously it wasn’t my intention as a woman to be sexist towards women—that makes no sense.
I was being sexist toward myself!
It was a pivotal moment for me in my journey of self-awareness. It made me examine my sexist thought patterns and behaviors. Art has a way of doing that. That’s why it’s so powerful!
I started to look at the ways I had been a douchebag bro—joining in on locker room talk with my guy friends, thinking the jokes were harmless. But once I started doing deep inner work to fully own and dismantle my old patriarchal beliefs and behaviour I was able to see the damage they were doing, not just to women (ie. me!), but to men and all genders.
It’s been a long journey and I still have some blokey blinders and can fall back into old patterns at times, but I’m so grateful for the growth I’ve had and the self love that has blossomed in the process.
Some of the old patriarchal beliefs I’ve shifted:
>> “Women aren’t funny”—I used to actually think: “women aren’t funny” even although some of my favourite comedians were actually women. While I absolutely loved Diane Keaton, Bette Midler and Goldie Hawn, I glorified Adam Sandler and Ben Stiller: The Comedy Gods!
>> “Lighten up! It’s a joke!”—I used to defend sexist jokes by saying, “It’s just comedy.” But now I know that to laugh genuinely, we have to first honour the trauma. Jokes that punch down aren’t funny. Laughing at ourselves is where it’s at. That said, I am still able to laugh at out-dated comedy that is simply a product of its day.
>> “It’s a witch hunt”—This phrase is largely used as a deflection tactic by those avoiding accountability—often by men accused of (and guilty of) abuse. It taps into a deep collective wound where women have been punished or silenced for speaking up and calling out abusive behavior. I used to believe men who said this too. But now I see it’s a deflection tactic. And when women back the man, it’s internalised patriarchy. Real healing happens when we stop calling truth-telling a witch hunt and start seeing it as an opportunity for bringing damaging behavior into the light.
>> “Feminism has swung too far the other way”—I used to repeat this like a robot without understanding what I was actually saying. Yes, some feminists express rage in ways that seem extreme, but that rage comes from generations of being silenced, gaslit, blamed, and dismissed. Their pain is valid. It’s not usually feminism that’s gone too far, it’s most often patriarchy trying to shame women back into silence. And when we judge feminism, it’s usually because we are repressing our own feminine rage (this goes for men who have been shamed for their emotions too). Compassion is what brings real healing. That said, I’m not excusing trauma dumping. People are responsible for healing their own wounds.
>> “She’s crazy” & “The Crazy/Hot Scale”—This one runs deep. I believed men who said their exes were “crazy” “boiler bunnies” and I even used to laugh at the crazy/hot scale graph and call myself “crazy”. But once I truly opened my eyes to the gaslighting, the denial of truth, the emotional manipulation, it wasn’t funny anymore. Many women have been institutionalised or driven to suicide by this dynamic. It often starts small, but when it is in full force, it’s one of the most dangerous patterns. Both people have trauma, but most often (statistically) the woman is doing the self reflection and inner work, while the perpetrator, who is not working on themselves (although sometimes looks like they are), deflects their pain onto her. That projection is what makes it so harmful. With deep awareness this dark night of the soul process can be alchemized into consciousness, but that’s too complex to go into here.
>> “She’s just jealous & insecure”—I once judged a woman for getting upset when her partner gave me attention in front of her. He said she was being petty and insecure. I believed him. Years later, I had a partner who deliberately tried to make me feel jealous by being inappropriate with other women and then would gaslight me when I spoke up. That experience helped me see that her reaction made perfect sense, and I realized how quickly I’d taken his side without seeing the full picture.
Now, instead of blindly trusting people’s words, I trust my instincts.
As women we can adopt a protective masculine shield to survive patriarchy, misogyny, and unsafe men. I know this first-hand because I did for a time. But while it may keep us “safe” in an egoic, patriarchal world, it can also repress the healthy feminine within us and mirror the very patterns we’re trying to escape.
We become what we are fighting against.
This pattern shows up in movies, especially in stories that glorify revenge. The movie “The Other Woman” highlights abusive toxic masculine patterns in a fun rom-com tone that is healing because of the way the women grow, come together, and reclaim their power. But at the end we see the man being punished in a painful montage—and I can’t watch that part.
It doesn’t make me feel better when a perpetrator “gets what they deserve.” The only time revenge feels good is when we are so deep in our pain we meet the perpetrator at their level of ego.
The film overall is brilliant, but it’s missing the final piece about forgiveness.
Revenge just keeps us repeating the pattern. Forgiveness sets us free.
On the other hand, as women we can fawn into unhealed submissive feminine and that’s where we make excuses for abusive behaviour and we’re vulnerable to predatory men. I have also been there.
It doesn’t have to be one way or the other. When we heal our wounds, we can balance our healthy masculine and feminine, and come into symbiosis.
We can keep our hearts open. And be protected.
Love is the true protector.
It’s not easy in a world that often sees vulnerability and an open heart as weakness, but it’s absolutely possible. And perspectives around this are shifting.
The solution is not to polarize gender and blame the “other,” but to see the destructive patterns as they are, to own our part, and focus on our own healing and growth.
Here are a few things that have helped me on my journey:
>> Meditation, EFT/tapping, hypnosis, self-love practises
>> Personal development courses and self-reflection including journaling
>> Spiritual teachings, especially Eckhart Tolle and ACIM
>> Keeping an open mind and Listening to younger, more woke and aware peeps
>> Somatic trauma-informed holistic coaching
>> Forgiveness (after truly facing and feeling the pain to ensure we don’t spiritually bypass)
When we honor our pain,
when we speak our truth,
when we make others accountable
and do our inner work,
when we forgive and let go…
it allows us to transmute our individual and collective pain into power.
To stop the “us vs them” mentality and to come together as one.
To heal the separation.
And this growth process creates a transformational shift that allows us to utilize the lessons as fuel to create our hearts’ desires and the life of our dreams.
Being sexist isn’t sexy. The sexiest thing we can do is our trauma work.
“I’m too sexy for my love, too sexy for my love love’s (never) going to leave me… ”
~
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