Take a moment to think about your partner. Your spouse, your beloved, the person you have chosen. This is the person we are meant to love most, romantically speaking, and who is meant to love us the same. It’s one of the most precious forms of relationship… would we ever consciously place the word “evil” anywhere near it? Of course not! What a question, right?
And yet, without realizing it, many of us engage in a behavior that slowly erodes the very connection we value most. It feels harmless most of the time, maybe even validated. It might not be dramatic and is rarely malicious, but that’s what makes it so insidious. A form of lashon hara or evil speech known as: complaining.
Complaining might feel productive, you might think that it’s leading to resolution or clarity but no. When we complain, all we’re actually doing is seeking validation, reinforcing our frustration, and deteriorating the way we view the person we’re complaining about.
Again, it can seem harmless. You share something small. A frustration, a moment, an irritation. Maybe it’s even lighthearted. But then it comes up again. And again. One complaint leads to another, and before you know it, a pattern has formed. What was once a passing annoyance becomes a narrative—one where your partner is consistently the problem, and you are consistently the one being wronged.
And this is where the shift happens—subtle at first, but powerful over time.
Why do we complain about the people we love most?
When we share grievances with others we aren’t “just expressing ourselves,” we’re usually looking for reinforcement. We want to strengthen a particular version of reality. We are giving our energy to a problem and unconsciously building a case. It invites affirmation, it spreads like a classroom cold!
Have you ever noticed how easy it is to find someone who agrees with you? How quickly a friend will say, “You’re right,” or “That’s so frustrating,” or “I can’t believe they did that”? It feels good. It feels validating. But that rush of validation comes to overpower the soft, deep sensation of truth.
So it’s worth asking:
When you talk about your partner to others, what are you reinforcing? Love and respect? Indifference? Resentment?
Because even if your partner never hears a word of what you’ve said, something still shifts. You know. And that knowing changes your perspective, it changes the tone of your voice, it alters your body language and before you know it, it has created space between you.
Intimacy cannot exist where there is silent judgment or unspoken resentment. Kabbalah teaches that lashon hara is one of the heaviest offenses we can make toward another. If we accidentally hurt someone, even if we intentionally harm them physically (which seems so much worse) we can take steps to repair that pain. This is not the case for Lashon Hara. If we speak negatively about our partner to a friend, even if we were to take it all back the next day, our friend will never see our partner quite the same again.
Words create reality. And when we speak about someone in a way that diminishes them, even indirectly, we are altering the energetic space around our relationship and even around our partner. Now, this doesn’t mean we should never seek support or guidance. There is immense value in speaking with someone who can offer perspective, challenge us, and help us grow. But like anything else, it all comes down to our consciousness. Complaining is about soothing our ego. Sharing difficult feelings with a trusted friend as a means to gain understanding or seek solutions, that is about transformation.
The work, then, is to ask ourselves: would I say this directly to them? Is this moving me toward connection, or further away from it? What am I actually looking for right now?
So you’ve complained. Now what?
If you’re reading this and recognizing yourself in it the most important thing to know is this: awareness is already a powerful shift. Remember it isn’t about self-judgment or criticism—you don’t want to in turn use lashon hara against yourself! None of us set out to harm our relationships, of course not. But now that you’re aware, here’s a few steps to get you back on track:
The first step is obvious, pause. You could even gently bite your tongue to help (that’s a saying for a reason!) Then ask yourself: What do I actually need right now? Is it to feel validated? To release frustration? To be understood? Often, what we’re seeking isn’t agreement from someone else—it’s resolution within the relationship itself.
Next, redirect the energy. Instead of taking the conversation outward, bring it inward—or better yet, bring it to your partner. Not in the same tone or language you might use when venting, but with an intention to understand, not prove a point.
From here, decide to speak differently. For every complaint you feel tempted to share, try beginning it with an appreciation—either to your partner directly or even about them to someone else. “He never cleans up after himself” becomes “I so appreciate the ways he shows up for our kids but he never cleans up after himself.” It’s not perfect, but it feels so much different already.
Finally, choose your support wisely. If you do need to speak to someone outside the relationship, seek out those who will help you grow, not just those who will agree with you. Someone who can hold space without feeding the narrative, who can gently guide you back to clarity and responsibility.
This isn’t about never being frustrated or upset. Romantic relationships offer our souls the highest level of transformation possible and that is going to come with discomfort! All the more reason to say yes the growth opportunity by catching our complaints before they fly out of our mouths and shifting our consciousness in the moment. Even if we have to bite our tongues.
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